Re: What to do when your elderly parents won't acc... - Page 6

house_cat · ‎03-09-2010

I totally understand, having been through almost the same scenario. The last few years, when I visited my parents who lived 3,000 miles away, I would spend much of my visit cleaning the house. Their eyesight was failing, as was there general health and they didn't seem to know how dirty the house was getting. My mom, who was always very fastidious, would be horrified if she knew what others were seeing.

Three years ago I moved them here to live near me. They had a small, two bed, two bath apartment about a mile from my home. I told them we needed to hire a cleaning person and my mom FLIPPED OUT! She would hear nothing of it. She actually suggested that she'd pay me to clean her house. I'm no youngster myself, and I can barely manage cleaning my own house, so that was out of the question.

I made a call to Molly Maids and hired them to clean Mom's apartment once a month. They were there for one hour each month and I can't tell you the tantrums my mom had every time I told here they were scheduled. She refused to sit on the patio while they worked, or outside by the pool. She had to sit there and supervise, forever thinking they were going to rob her. it was totally illogical, but that's how she felt. Well, we dealt with that every month for 3 1/2 years and despite her protests, it was well worth $85 a visit to preserve what little was left of my sanity.

~ house cat ~

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

My parents were both sound of mind so we allowed them to decide for themselves. My father wanted no more tests no treatments, we honored his wishes.

I gave up my job to care for my mother after she had a stroke, we hired LPN's and aids so she could stay in her home. She chose them. I disregarded whatever diet she was prescribed and provided what she wanted to eat. I didn't care if she wanted cake for dinner or out of season produce, what she wanted, she got. We had no arguments, no disagreements. It was her way not my way.

Getting old or sick doesn't take away your right to live as you wish, make your own decisions, even bad ones.

I can't imagine insulting my parents over dust and dirty drip pans.

For that matter, I have never scrubbed a drip pan, they are cheap, I just buy new ones as does everyone I know.

ChynnaBlue · ‎05-22-2012

@flickerbulb wrote:
You cannot let mom "take over" and make this decision as her decision making skills are probably waning.

At some point, you have to tell her that your cousin is cleaning the house and that will be the end of it.

Do not give her the chance to allow the neighbor or whomever to deal with this as it has already been decided.

This will end any discussion and the problem will be taken care of.

I made "the decisions" for many, many years and this is probably the best way to deal with this.

Since mom is ill, I would look into getting a nurse to come in once in a while to check on her or get a Life Alert type device.

You also have to be cognizant of the fact that this, right here, is likely your mother's biggest fear and the reason she doesn't want anyone cleaning her house: this moment that signals the transfer of her independence and power to an outside source.

A lot of people have a hard time admitting they need help with small things. Imagine how difficult it must be to admit that you need help forever more because you are older and can't keep up anymore? Imagine knowing that someone else will be making many decisions for you from now on? That must be a terrifying moment and it's no wonder people fight it every step of the way.

You may need to be firm, but you also need to be understanding and kind and recognize the moment for what it is to her.

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CatsyCline · ‎07-24-2013

my mother lives alone and i worry about her safety. she is 86. i live about 3 hours away and it involves taking a boat to get there. she doesn't like me to stay too long and does not care to visit me plus since she had her hip and leg pinned there is no chance of her coming to stay with me. she has never liked the places i have lived. ( she can be difficult and overbearing) .

i have had conversations with her, to make a plan to move possibly to Florida where my sister (her favorite) lives. even just for a few months in the winter.

the house needs substantial repairs and yard are too much for her to take care of. she does her own cooking but i have caught her twice leaving things cooking on the stove. she does not want anyone to come in to clean. she is obsessively neat and tidy. starched curtains and her oven spotless.

she has a male friend in his 70s and caters to him with homecooked meals. yet she cannot count on him to help. he gives her a ride to her doctor visits when convenient for him. they go out to eat every week. sometimes he treats. he is the real reason she avoids making a decision. she stays because of him. (i think he is a little creepy) she would not go for assisted living. no way. i just want her to be able to walk away to a warm, safe place while she is still healthy enough to enjoy life. i saw with my Dad how quickly one can decline. he had ALZ and she cared for him at home. then he had a couple of TIAs, which led to a couple stays in the hospital and then the nursing home. then home again, and a ruptured gall bladder. hospital. then the nursing home to Hospice.

i really have no advice , just to say, if parents were strong willed and especially if they were raised in the Depression and wartime, they become very hard in their ways when young and it stays with them. with me she is always the parent. i am the child. no blurred lines.

KarenQVC · ‎05-13-2010

If the family has the means, the most neutral way to handle things is to hire a geriatric case manager, a private pay nurse or social worker. Names are available on the Aging Life Care Assn. website. The case manager does an evaluation and recommends what services are needed. She can also put the services into place. To me it was well worth the $.

I would not recommend that the daughter do more work than is comfortable for her. The parents will never hire outside services then. Parents are often unreasonable. My parents expected my sister, a cancer patient, to care for them in her 3 story condo!

janeec · ‎02-17-2013

The one thing that everyone fears is loss of control. Let your parents have control, but be honest with them what you can and can't do for them. If you can't clean for them, ask if someone could come in and clean part of their house except for the "private areas" such as their bedroom.

My parents won't eat meals on wheels, so when I take my mom to the grocery store, she gets things that are easy to prepare. I cook in large quantities and bring them food for their freezer that can be thawed and heated. I precook chicken and hamburger so it's ready for a casserole for them.

Is this easy? No. But, in the end I will have no regrets as I have done more than I thought I could for them.

You will find your way and what works for you. Good luck.

Bandwife23 · ‎03-13-2011

@occasionalrain wrote:
My parents were both sound of mind so we allowed them to decide for themselves. My father wanted no more tests no treatments, we honored his wishes.
I gave up my job to care for my mother after she had a stroke, we hired LPN's and aids so she could stay in her home. She chose them. I disregarded whatever diet she was prescribed and provided what she wanted to eat. I didn't care if she wanted cake for dinner or out of season produce, what she wanted, she got. We had no arguments, no disagreements. It was her way not my way.

Getting old or sick doesn't take away your right to live as you wish, make your own decisions, even bad ones.

I can't imagine insulting my parents over dust and dirty drip pans.
For that matter, I have never scrubbed a drip pan, they are cheap, I just buy new ones as does everyone I know.

I read this post and the one you posted a page or two back. I'm sorry, I don't think you understand. I am in no way trying to insult or be mean to my parents. I love them, they are very precious to me and I don't know what I will do w/o them on this earth. I just want to do the best thing for them.

Also, I did not hire my cousin to clean first before telling my parents. So there was no insult or hurt feelings. My cousin lovingly offered to help bc she said we are family and we need to take care of eachother. I relayed the message to my mother as an option since she preferred to have a family member to do it. What confused me was when she chose to ask 2 other family members to find someone to clean, bc they haven't been to check on mom in years. They don't even call to see how she is although they live right there in town. I wouldn't think she'd even trust their judgement after the way they've treated her.

Like you, I would do anything for my parents. I let them eat whatever they want and like. I don't bully or try to take over their lives. And yes, I only get to go home every month or month & a half. I work all the time, so I go in when I can and do as much as I can for them while I'm there. Your comments were rather mean and negative. This is NOT a fun situation for me. I'm an only child who lives out of town and who is trying to make things a little better for my declining parents.

libbyannE · ‎10-27-2010

@leighagemini wrote:
Since they are getting unable to take care of themselves, you can always get power of attorney over them

As our attorney explained, power of attorney makes me my dad's agent, NOT his boss. I cannot force dad into a facility simply with the POA.

truffle · ‎01-04-2016

Just proceed with the arrangements with your cousin @Bandwife23. Your mom will appreciate a clean home and the non-conflict will evaporate. A clean environment is important and the indecisiveness of your mom and the apathy of your dad just isn't working for anybody. Don't stress, just be the parent now for them.

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

Each caregiver of a parent(s), is individual. We each deal with different relationships with them and it depends on where they are with their health and well-being issues. You know your parents best and some good ideas have been given. Just apply the ones you can use in your care and goings on with your family. It's the toughest job I ever had and probably the same for others. Wish you the best and good wishes. Just do your best and get what help you can.