What to do when your elderly parents won't accept help.

Bandwife23 · ‎03-13-2011

Hi everyone. I'm hoping that someone on here has either gone through this or knows someone who has. I appreciate any help/comments/tips you can give.

My parents are in their early 80's. They live alone. My mom is the sicker of the two. My dad can still do things around the house, but he's getting weaker(bc his health is starting to decline) and really could use a helping hand. He does everything around the house(cooking, laundry, etc) because mom just isn't able to do so anymore. She uses a walker inside the house and has to be in a wheelchair if she goes out.

About a month ago on a trip in to see them, I mentioned finding someone to come by and clean the house once a week. Dad didn't say much(that's just his nature). Mom on the other hand said she was fine with that BUT she preferred to have a family member do it. I was nice, but told her that was gonna be a tall order because while there are family members in town(nieces), they haven't come around in nearly 10 years. They don't even call to see how mom & dad are doing. There are only 2 cousins in town who would be willing to do things for them. They already have one of those cousins take them to all medical appointments. So they don't want to put anything else on him.

I spoke with my other cousin and she said although she works during the week, she'd love to go over there and clean whatever they wanted. I told my mom and was met w/mostly silence. Fast forward to a week ago. My mom is now in the hospital because she fell. I brought up my cousin going over to the house to clean. That way, she'd come home to a "nice, clean, fresh house." She said, "Well, I don't really want to use her because she works." Ugh...I explained that most people..unless they clean houses for a living, do that on the side for extra money. So when I talked to her over the weekend, she said that one of their neighbors came to visit and she has her checking on people who clean houses. WHAT?!?!? I told her that I didn't understand. She prefers someone in the family to do it because she doesn't want strangers in the house. Okay fine, but we ALREADY HAVE a family member who agreed weeks ago to do it one day a week and she has done nothing in terms of setting something up with her.

I just don't understand. My cousin isn't a bad person. She is trustworthy and reliable. Its very frustrating because I live over 2 hours away and work full time. I can't go home every few days and clean house. I'm an only child and just don't know what to do about this.

151949 · ‎03-09-2010

I think when they said they want family that was code for - they want their own child to do it. So when you didn't agree to that they gave in to strangers doing it. Couldn't you go there once or twice a month and do a good cleaning , then maybe they can manage to take care of things in between like doing the dishes and small laundry, vacuum.

eddyandme · ‎09-24-2011

Perhaps if you let you mother "interview" your cousin and realize she won't be taking advantage of a family member but helping her out with the extra cash, she'll come around. Remember your mom's managed her household long before you came along and it's not easy to give up 'control'. Giving her an active role, partaking in the decision-making, imho, will resolve the situation and work out well for all. Patience, it takes patience. Put yourself in her shoes and think about how difficult this might be for yourself if the roles were reverses. Good luck!

Beaches 1956 · ‎06-11-2016

They know they need help but is about control. They are going to need more then a once a week visit to clean the house. Let your Mom take charge or at least feel she is in charge. All you can do is support their decisions.Getting and admitting you are to old to take care of yourself is horrible. Watching one's parents go through this stage is agonizing. Even if you had a brother - you would still feel like an only child. Believe me, I know but that is what we women do. We care for our parents, the sick and the elderly. Trust me - it will all work out.

Ms X · ‎09-13-2012

You can't read your mother's mind. It sounds like she doesn't want this particular cousin to clean. What has her attitude towards this person been in the past? Could she want you to do it? Does she feel uncomfortable having this cousin who she hasn't seen much of coming into the house? It's not clear whether her friend is really looking for a cleaning person for her or whether she said this to block the cousin from cleaning.

Would it help if you accompanied the cousin to the house the first three or four times, if your mother would agree to that, and then see whether after that she'd get used to the cousin and let her come alone? Maybe you could set aside a weekend afternoon for that.

What about her doctor helping you with this? Do you know this person well enough to discuss it? Maybe that person could give you some tips, given the doctor's familiarity with your mother and other older patients he/she has. I guess you'd have to figure out whether your mother would object to you discussing it with her doctor, though. Don't do it if you think it would be more trouble than it's worth.

Luv_My_Beagle · ‎10-11-2010

I feel your pain. I had a somewhat similar situation. I talked with my Mom and Step Dad about meals on wheels and that too was met with a less than enthusiastic response. I started it anyway and told them it would be coming! They had it delivered 2 times and then cancelled it. The people and the service were wonderful.

Maybe talk with your father since he is the one doing all of the chores. I bet they'd qualify for meals on wheels since your Mom has mobility issues.

You could tell your Mom that you are concerned about both of them. Tell her that it's a lot for your Dad to do all of the chores etc. Maybe that would help. If she doesn't want the cousin after all then I'd look into a cleaning service.

So easy to make suggestions because I know how resistant they can be. It is so difficult for them to accept help.

I hope someone has some great ideas for you!

Dusty1 · ‎03-10-2010

It's a very hard thing to deal with. I would go ahead & set it up with the cousin, if they would like to do it. I would offer to pay them, as long as your parents can afford it. Or you, if they can't & you can. If the cousin doesn't really want to, I would go ahead with the neighbor's recommendation. I think once you have it set in action it will be a relief to your parents & yourself. Don't' take it on yourself, if you don't have to. Things will get more difficult as they continue to age & the more that you can arrange for others to do, the less stress you will have & hopefully you can just enjoy your parents' company.

GCR18 · ‎07-03-2013

It sounds like your mother hasn't bought into the idea. Maybe you could schedule the first couple sessions when you can be there.

flickerbulb · ‎03-09-2010

You cannot let mom "take over" and make this decision as her decision making skills are probably waning.

At some point, you have to tell her that your cousin is cleaning the house and that will be the end of it.

Do not give her the chance to allow the neighbor or whomever to deal with this as it has already been decided.

This will end any discussion and the problem will be taken care of.

I made "the decisions" for many, many years and this is probably the best way to deal with this.

Since mom is ill, I would look into getting a nurse to come in once in a while to check on her or get a Life Alert type device.

misscecille · ‎08-22-2010

Oh boy, I've been dealing with my mom who turns 86 in a couple of weeks. She liked it when I cleaned the house because it "sparkled." I didn't want to do it so I hired my sister in law. She did a good job and mom was happy. Then my mom fell a couple of times and I decided she couldn't live alone anymore. I'm her POA for both finances and healthcare. I found a really nice residential based facility that houses 24 people. She seems to like it but just won't admit she can't live in her house anymore. Having someone stay with her 24 hours a day is much too expensive. At this place she's safe and her needs are being met. Now, I'm facing the problem of selling her house. By law I can do it without her permission but I don't want to do that. It's been in my sister and my name for several years with my parents having life residency. I would like to put it on the market as soon as possible. I don't want her to pay for utilities, lawn care, water, and taxes. I feel so bad for her but she won't budge. Love her to pieces but I'm so frustrated.