What to do when your elderly parents won't accept ... - Page 5

DJP · ‎03-09-2010

Do your parents have any siblings? My two uncles took the initiative with my Dad. He couldn't stay alone because of dementia, but he was very very stubborn. My uncles took control (without my knowledge) and put him in a facility and sold the family home. I was the only one that was around and I worked full time so it was difficult for me to drive to the house everyday. I was upset with my uncles at first but looking back I am grateful for their help. I did not have POA when this happened. Big mistake. It was hard to get Dad's signature but it all worked out in the end.

Bandwife23 · ‎03-13-2011

@Luv_My_Beagle wrote:
I feel your pain. I had a somewhat similar situation. I talked with my Mom and Step Dad about meals on wheels and that too was met with a less than enthusiastic response. I started it anyway and told them it would be coming! They had it delivered 2 times and then cancelled it. The people and the service were wonderful.

Maybe talk with your father since he is the one doing all of the chores. I bet they'd qualify for meals on wheels since your Mom has mobility issues.

You could tell your Mom that you are concerned about both of them. Tell her that it's a lot for your Dad to do all of the chores etc. Maybe that would help. If she doesn't want the cousin after all then I'd look into a cleaning service.

So easy to make suggestions because I know how resistant they can be. It is so difficult for them to accept help.

I hope someone has some great ideas for you!

Ahh yes, meals on wheels. I suggested that a few months ago when we realized that mom just wasn't going to be able to contribute to anything anymore. She was all for it, but daddy put up a BIG stink! He said that "he could still cook and didn't need anyone coming by w/meals. It would be a waste of time." So I haven't brought it back up. I shake my head about it because if a neighbor or church member brings food for them on occasion, he's all for it...but didn't even want to consider meals on wheels! GRRR!

I'm sorry if I don't answer everything you all asked.

*Someone asked about siblings. My dad is the only one who has siblings left. There are 4. Two live an hour away(and couldn't get to him anyway bc they don't drive anymore), one lives in Washington, DC and rarely sees him and the one who lives about 30 min away is dealing w/a spouse who has alzheimer's. So I'm afraid they wouldn't be of much help at all.

*Thanks about suggesting Visiting Nurse Association and Visiting Angels. I may have to look into those agencies.

*Oh and about the cleaning issue - I offered to call an established cleaning service(similar to Merry Maids) but that's also when I got the "I would prefer family to do it. I don't want strangers in here bumping around looking at everything we have" comment.

*Someone asked if I could just go home once a month and clean. I try to make it home every month, but because of my work schedule, its sometimes a month & a 1/2 before I can get in. But whenever I go, I always clean and cook/bring food to last for a couple of weeks. For not being able to do much, daddy keeps the place decent. However, there are things that you notice and realize its because he just doesn't have the strength to do it(clean/scrub the drip pans on the stove, thoroughly dust, mop the kitchen floor, vacuum really good in all rooms). I especially try to keep an eye on the refrigerated items when I go home bc more than once, I've found expired milk, juice, etc. That scares me bc the LAST thing they need is to get sick bc they drank/ate something expired. That's why I suggested someone to help clean. Someone younger/healthier would be able to do the major stuff that he just doesn't have the energy for.

Thanks for all of your comments. I really appreciate what everyone has said. Its really sad to watch my parents decline, but I want to help them the best way I can. I sure do miss not having a sibling to help out.

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

Did you ask your mother if this cousin would be acceptable before you more or less offered the job to her? If not, perhaps your mother resented it, I would. It seems you show up once a month, six weeks and take over finding fault with how they choose to live.

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

I feel the pain of the OP. My 94 year old mother lives many miles away and has fought any help for years. She also fell but fired not one but two aides that her doctor insisted she bring in for her recuperation. I've posted here many times about my frustration. Over the last five years or so I've learned a few things. First, if parents are of sound mind, you can try to influence them but cannot control them. My approach is to continuously point out the importance of getting help, every day for as long as it takes, until my mother agrees. Sometimes it's a compromise but anything is better than having no help at all.

It sounds like your parents will need more than a cleaning person. You will need the patience of a saint but choose your battles wisely and then work hard to win those battles. I know some will say to just steamroll your way through these problems and impose your will on your parents. Remember, though, that they want to maintain their dignity. Treat them as you'd want to be treated but don't give up, especially where their safety is concerned. No one is as stubborn as my mother and yet I was still able to get her to stop driving, hire an aide, albeit part-tine, and allow me to sleep a bit better as a result.

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

OK, JMHO, but.....It's role reversal time coming about. Do you have Molly Maid in your area? They do a contract. Could you or a relative be there the first visit, in case there's questions. They don't do laundry that I know of. They might. Think there's also day care companies who come for at least 2 hrs a day, or in 2 hr increments. Once someone comes in and gets into a routine the parents feel a little safer to work with and talk to these individuals. If a meal or 2 if you work it out with them, is needed, they can do it lightly. You just work it out with them. My folk's group, used to write in a large tablet/spiral pad, a paragraph on how they found the folks when they got there that day, and what was done and what time they left. If they want to write it was a good visit, they do that.

violann · ‎03-10-2010

I'm thinking from reading some of these responses is to remember that they didn't abandon you when you were going through your "terrible twos" or your adolescence, or your first job loss.

Caring for a stubborn, independence wanting parent is walking a tight rope over an enormous cavern full of alligators- you are NEVER taking a good step, and ALWAYS choosing the best of a bunch bad steps.

If you impose your will, whether legally or not, you risk challenging their ability to take care of themselves as much as they safely can.

If you don't take charge enough, you risk living with the guilt when "something happens".

When my mom went into total care, I entered the worst 5 1/2 years of my life. My mother's 2 closest sisters guilted ME into visiting EVERY NIGHT, once Saturday and twice Sunday, and they went EVERY DAY at noon.

I think I missed less than 25 days over the whole 5 years, and if I wasn't there, my DH, whom she adored, went in my place.

I will never be able to express enough gratitude to my aunts for forcing me to "woman up".

TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF IF/WHEN this task becomes yours, love them and put their needs before your own when needed, and when they leave you, live in comfort with the knowledge that you did what they needed.

NO easy answers, NO easy solutions. One day at a time.

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

I haven't read all the replies yet, and I may sound rather 'hard' but I am experiencing this 'senior stubborness' as I call it, with my mom these days.

My approach so far has been this. I see an issue, I bring it up nicely, in general conversation, ask if it is something she has noticed, thought, wanted, considered. Pretty much just open the 'conversation'.

Often times, it will be just like OP's experience, (mom admitted she could use some help with the house) we are on the same page, and agree on a general course of action.

My next step is to ask her first, what she considers a good solution. When she gives me her answer(s), if there are other options, I offer those up as well. I always try to make my mom see that every 'problem' has many different solutions we could try, and I want her to not make any choices until she has considered all her options. In my case, my mom is a pessimist who always thinks she has no options, and I always tell her for every situation there are at least two options, (do something or do nothing) and usually a lot more than two. She also has a tendency to make a decision, and regret it later, because she didn't take time to pursue all possible options. So sometimes just laying out the options and letting them have a hand in choosing the one they want is helpful.

Where things go bad for us is when she won't consider the options and just picks what doesn't seem to be a wise choice.

My approach, after years of 'fighting' to get her to see the best options for things, is to just let her do it her way. Often it doesn't work out the way she had hoped, but when she has to live with the consequences of HER decisions, she gets better about listening when other things arise that need consideration, and people offer up varying ideas. It took a long time for this to work, but the older she gets, I have been amazed how she will not sometimes seek the advice of my brother and I rather than just have the 'my way or the highway' attitude.

My experience with my mom often boils down to dealing with a toddler. They want to do it their way, and quite frankly, if it isn't going to cause them harm, it's best to save yourself the frustration and stress and let them do it, and let them handle the fallout (as much as you can) when it doesn't work out the way they thought it would.

And the one thing I have found is that sometimes parents won't be honest about things. They have reasons why they do or don't want to do certain things or in certain ways, but won't express it (fear, embarassment, pride, dislike/distrust of something. So maybe there are some very good reasons (to them) why they choose one option over another, but you just aren't going to know them, because they won't share that deeply, and you may just have to trust/accept that.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@occasionalrain wrote:
Did you ask your mother if this cousin would be acceptable before you more or less offered the job to her? If not, perhaps your mother resented it, I would. It seems you show up once a month, six weeks and take over finding fault with how they choose to live.

She is in an untenable position. They won't do what she suggests that they NEED to do. Then if she makes suggestions, they start to resent her. What you said is perhaps what they think...so what are you going to do? Alienate them? That's not good either.

Sometimes you can't alter the road people take until it becomes a case where either they realize something has to be done, or something simply has to be done and it becomes an ugly and painful legal matter.

People need to move near their kids when they get old. If they don't you can't expect kids to move back home. I know some do, but it isn't fair to people who have lives.

ALL of us have to at many times in life do things we don't want to do. It is the same with the elderly. Kids can't fulfill their every wish--which most often is for life to continue as it always has. You can't make it different to satisfy them, because what they want is impossible. If they are stubborn, it is a hard hard road.

jackthebear · ‎03-11-2010

like most here I have been through this it's hard,

one thing to remember is that most 80+ year olds come from a different generation and outlook than us.

It's deal with it yourself, handle it type of mentality which is (I think) one reason why outside help is difficult to accept.

At least in our case.

There are tons of resources available, and finding them is easier than ever now, but getting the parents to accept them is the challenge.

Yardlie · ‎03-10-2010

@Bandwife23 wrote:
Hi everyone. I'm hoping that someone on here has either gone through this or knows someone who has. I appreciate any help/comments/tips you can give.

My parents are in their early 80's. They live alone. My mom is the sicker of the two. My dad can still do things around the house, but he's getting weaker(bc his health is starting to decline) and really could use a helping hand. He does everything around the house(cooking, laundry, etc) because mom just isn't able to do so anymore. She uses a walker inside the house and has to be in a wheelchair if she goes out.

About a month ago on a trip in to see them, I mentioned finding someone to come by and clean the house once a week. Dad didn't say much(that's just his nature). Mom on the other hand said she was fine with that BUT she preferred to have a family member do it. I was nice, but told her that was gonna be a tall order because while there are family members in town(nieces), they haven't come around in nearly 10 years. They don't even call to see how mom & dad are doing. There are only 2 cousins in town who would be willing to do things for them. They already have one of those cousins take them to all medical appointments. So they don't want to put anything else on him.

I spoke with my other cousin and she said although she works during the week, she'd love to go over there and clean whatever they wanted. I told my mom and was met w/mostly silence. Fast forward to a week ago. My mom is now in the hospital because she fell. I brought up my cousin going over to the house to clean. That way, she'd come home to a "nice, clean, fresh house." She said, "Well, I don't really want to use her because she works." Ugh...I explained that most people..unless they clean houses for a living, do that on the side for extra money. So when I talked to her over the weekend, she said that one of their neighbors came to visit and she has her checking on people who clean houses. WHAT?!?!? I told her that I didn't understand. She prefers someone in the family to do it because she doesn't want strangers in the house. Okay fine, but we ALREADY HAVE a family member who agreed weeks ago to do it one day a week and she has done nothing in terms of setting something up with her.

I just don't understand. My cousin isn't a bad person. She is trustworthy and reliable. Its very frustrating because I live over 2 hours away and work full time. I can't go home every few days and clean house. I'm an only child and just don't know what to do about this.

@Bandwife23 ... I know...I feel for what you are going through. I am my 91 y.o. mother's caregiver. Sometimes elderly parents can be very obstinant and unreasonable. They hate to give up their independence. Maybe your mother is afraid that your cousin would gossip to other family members about her or what she sees in the house. Who knows? Did you ask your mother?

At least if she has agreed to having someone come in and clean...and if she can financially manage it, some of the burden is lifted off you and your dad. I wouldn't sweat this ordeal. My mother fell last fall and fractured her leg in three places. The ordeal now is getting her to use her walker. Have you dealt with that yet? That gets to be quite a challenge. When your mother gets out of the hospital, they may recommend a walker for her. Good luck with that! Believe me, with elderly parents, it is one challenge after another. They are all a little different though. My dad was a saint to take care of. My mother...not so much.

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~~ Steve Maraboli