What to do when your elderly parents won't accept ... - Page 4

Pook · ‎03-20-2010

I went through this with my dad. I came to realize that it was his life and his decisions to make since he had no dementia and wasn't in danger of anyone taking advantage of him or being a danger to himself. I made suggestions but I would never take control of his life. I worried a lot and helped as much as I could but he was happier and we kept a fairly good relationship whereas if I would have taken over and got a lawyer, he would not have had anything left. He may have lived longer but it wouldn't have been worth it as he would have lost his will to live and I could never do that to him. He was able to stay at his house with his cat which gave him a purpose. Taking control would have been much easier for me but it wasn't about me and I don't regret my decision.

YorkieonmyPillow · ‎01-13-2013

@Pook wrote:
I went through this with my dad. I came to realize that it was his life and his decisions to make since he had no dementia and wasn't in danger of anyone taking advantage of him or being a danger to himself. I made suggestions but I would never take control of his life. I worried a lot and helped as much as I could but he was happier and we kept a fairly good relationship whereas if I would have taken over and got a lawyer, he would not have had anything left. He may have lived longer but it wouldn't have been worth it as he would have lost his will to live and I could never do that to him. He was able to stay at his house with his cat which gave him a purpose. Taking control would have been much easier for me but it wasn't about me and I don't regret my decision.

IMHO, you did the right thing.

Just because someone is of advanced age doesn't mean they should lose all of their rights.

They may not admit or recognize their true situation, but to me, it is more important for them to keep their identity as the person they were, and to keep their independence, than to take over their lives and render them impotent and redundant.

september · ‎03-09-2010

@tansy wrote:
@september wrote:
@Drythe wrote:
@tansy wrote:
@leighagemini wrote:
Since they are getting unable to take care of themselves, you can always get power of attorney over them
If they agree to it.
@tansy

Yes, This! As long as they are mentally competent you can't just 'get' power of attorney.
If someone doesn't give you power of attorney, you hire a lawyer and file for conservatorship. Not an easy process and very expensive.
Let me echo this. Gaining a conservatorship is not an easy or quick process, and it should not be, and it is very expensive if a parent fights it.

It isn't only parents that fight it...spouses do, as well.

I'm going through this now, and have had to give out over 20 different names, addresses, and phone numbers. I think this is the right process, since there are those who will prey upon vulnerable people. But it makes the process very long, hard, and expensive for the rest of us.

tansy · ‎01-02-2011

@september wrote:
@tansy wrote:
@september wrote:
@Drythe wrote:
@tansy wrote:
@leighagemini wrote:
Since they are getting unable to take care of themselves, you can always get power of attorney over them
If they agree to it.
@tansy

Yes, This! As long as they are mentally competent you can't just 'get' power of attorney.
If someone doesn't give you power of attorney, you hire a lawyer and file for conservatorship. Not an easy process and very expensive.
Let me echo this. Gaining a conservatorship is not an easy or quick process, and it should not be, and it is very expensive if a parent fights it.
It isn't only parents that fight it...spouses do, as well.

I'm going through this now, and have had to give out over 20 different names, addresses, and phone numbers. I think this is the right process, since there are those who will prey upon vulnerable people. But it makes the process very long, hard, and expensive for the rest of us.

Honestly I hadn't considered one might have to go through this process with a spouse:/

sweetee2 · ‎06-21-2015

Where I live you can't get a power of attorney without Thier consent. I'm so sorry for your situation.

Melania · ‎06-12-2013

@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:
@Pook wrote:
I went through this with my dad. I came to realize that it was his life and his decisions to make since he had no dementia and wasn't in danger of anyone taking advantage of him or being a danger to himself. I made suggestions but I would never take control of his life. I worried a lot and helped as much as I could but he was happier and we kept a fairly good relationship whereas if I would have taken over and got a lawyer, he would not have had anything left. He may have lived longer but it wouldn't have been worth it as he would have lost his will to live and I could never do that to him. He was able to stay at his house with his cat which gave him a purpose. Taking control would have been much easier for me but it wasn't about me and I don't regret my decision.

IMHO, you did the right thing.
Just because someone is of advanced age doesn't mean they should lose all of their rights.
They may not admit or recognize their true situation, but to me, it is more important for them to keep their identity as the person they were, and to keep their independence, than to take over their lives and render them impotent and redundant.

The Op's parents are not like this posters. Big difference, big.

It is not punishing them, it is helping them when they no longer can themselves. Sheesh.

september · ‎03-09-2010

@Melania thank you. Those of us going through this are not trying to hurt our loved ones, and have likely tried all other options.

misscecille · ‎08-22-2010

As children of aging parents we just want them to be safe. When my mom was living in her home I was scared every time my phone rang. I insisted she get Lifeline and she didn't want to pay for it. The last couple of weeks she was at home they called me 3 times. She had fallen and thankfully wasn't injured. She was told by her doctor if she broke a hip she'd end up in a nursing home and probably die there. It sounds cold but she heard it. Good luck to all with aging parents! it's a challenge!

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@151949 wrote:
I think when they said they want family that was code for - they want their own child to do it. So when you didn't agree to that they gave in to strangers doing it. Couldn't you go there once or twice a month and do a good cleaning , then maybe they can manage to take care of things in between like doing the dishes and small laundry, vacuum.

I wish you all the luck in the world. You may need to step back for now--it is difficult to make people do what they should do instead of what they want to do.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@misscecille wrote:
Oh boy, I've been dealing with my mom who turns 86 in a couple of weeks. She liked it when I cleaned the house because it "sparkled." I didn't want to do it so I hired my sister in law. She did a good job and mom was happy. Then my mom fell a couple of times and I decided she couldn't live alone anymore. I'm her POA for both finances and healthcare. I found a really nice residential based facility that houses 24 people. She seems to like it but just won't admit she can't live in her house anymore. Having someone stay with her 24 hours a day is much too expensive. At this place she's safe and her needs are being met. Now, I'm facing the problem of selling her house. By law I can do it without her permission but I don't want to do that. It's been in my sister and my name for several years with my parents having life residency. I would like to put it on the market as soon as possible. I don't want her to pay for utilities, lawn care, water, and taxes. I feel so bad for her but she won't budge. Love her to pieces but I'm so frustrated.

You need to sell the house. You are taking care of her to make decisions she doesn't want to or can't make at this time. The house will be better off being occupied and it can really take a ton of money to keep one up. Bless your heart!