Community Chat

[LilacTree]

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@dooBdoo wrote:

Wow.  This does sound complicated.  I really can't add anything of value here, other than to say I saw this thread and wanted to tell you it's good to see you posting again, @LilacTree, and I hope you and yours are well.

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We are the same, dooBdoo, and I'm glad to see you posting again as well.  Have a nice weekend.

[LilacTree]

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@Mothertrucker wrote:

Ironic, since these boards seem to elicit unsolicited advice on nearly every post....

i would want to know why my "friend" thinks I NEED so much "advice" ...doesn't sound like they have much faith in, nor respect for, you and your decisions...

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Obviously not.

[MaggieMack]

@LilacTree, you wrote: It's certainly not "constant" as we do not communicate often. It's just that when we do, it is always something that is critical of what I either say or do, together with how much she cares, so I never know how to interpret it.

That is ugly. She is trying to hurt AND control you. In your insight is your answer.

[SuziQ2]

Perhaps she has upsets in her life, and one way to feel in control is to give advice to others.  If she is a real black & white person, it is pretty normal to offer her opinion.

However, if you are confiding in her when you have a problem, perhaps she is thinking

your are really asking her for advice and help in the situation.  Some people like to 'fix' others...so just be careful about the confiding about things you know could set her off.

If you find the friendship upsetting or exhausting, then just let it go.  Sorry to hear about your frustrations with this friend.  Sometimes, friend just need to lend an ear.

[LilacTree]

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@MaggieMack wrote:

@LilacTree, you wrote: It's certainly not "constant" as we do not communicate often. It's just that when we do, it is always something that is critical of what I either say or do, together with how much she cares, so I never know how to interpret it.

That is ugly. She is trying to hurt AND control you. In your insight is your answer.

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Yes, and as I'm thinking about it, I'm finding it's quite weird.  I feel like Alice in Wonderland . . . "curiouser and curiouser."

[newziesuzie]

Maybe we should invite the friend here

so we can flog her to her face.

😔

This reminds me of other threads where we

hear one side and everybody piles

on the person who can't defend herself

or himself.  Makes me feel bad

with all due respect to the OP.

[LilacTree]

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@SuziQ2 wrote:

Perhaps she has upsets in her life, and one way to feel in control is to give advice to others.  If she is a real black & white person, it is pretty normal to offer her opinion.

However, if you are confiding in her when you have a problem, perhaps she is thinking

your are really asking her for advice and help in the situation.  Some people like to 'fix' others...so just be careful about the confiding about things you know could set her off.

If you find the friendship upsetting or exhausting, then just let it go.  Sorry to hear about your frustrations with this friend.  Sometimes, friend just need to lend an ear.

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I did confide in her way too much at the beginning (several years ago) but that changed, with long periods between of not communicating at all.  But there were reasons for that on both sides.  The recent communications were as I described.

Anyway, again thanks everyone.  I have to get my heating pad and rest my back for a while.

[MaggieMack]

@LilacTree, this is kind of like sitting in a counselor' office, right? (Lol). Once, in my 30s, I was living with a guy that I knew I should break up with but just couldn't. So I went to see a counselor and she asked me to ramble out what the relationship was about. I started talking, and talking, and talking. About 45 minutes into this discourse, the 150 watt light bulb went on. I said, "Oh, I get it, there's really nothing in this relationship for me!" Duh! So I paid her for her ear time, went home, and kicked him out. It was really, really, really hard, but I had the insight and I knew there wasn't any denying the truth that I knew. That made it so much easier to let go.

[dooBdoo]

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@MaggieMack wrote:

@LilacTree, this is kind of like sitting in a counselor' office, right? (Lol). Once, in my 30s, I was living with a guy that I knew I should break up with but just couldn't. So I went to see a counselor and she asked me to ramble out what the relationship was about. I started talking, and talking, and talking. About 45 minutes into this discourse, the 150 watt light bulb went on. I said, "Oh, I get it, there's really nothing in this relationship for me!" Duh! So I paid her for her ear time, went home, and kicked him out. It was really, really, really hard, but I had the insight and I knew there wasn't any denying the truth that I knew. That made it so much easier to let go.

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@MaggieMack, It surely can be beneficial to vent and especially to an experienced and knowledgable professional.  What I've found, though, if a relationship is at stake...  having all parties involved (as long as it's not a roomful of people!) works best.  That way, the therapist can be a sounding board for everyone at the same time, and can help them see things they otherwise wouldn' t have seen or acknowledged when only one perspective is presented.

[MaggieMack]

@dooBdoo, I completely agree with you that it's best to have a roundtable to hash things out. But when trust is completely and irrevocably broken, there's no getting it back. It was the right thing to do in my particular circumstance. The funny thing? We are the very best of friends today.