Community Chat

[biancardi]

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@LilacTree wrote:

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@Libbylady wrote:

I'm a bit confused....does this friend call you on the phone with this advice "out of the blue", or do you & she plan a get together to visit?

If the advice is a thought that pops into her head at some odd moment and she calls to apprise you of it, then perhaps you need to be "too busy" to talk.

If you plan a get together, such as a lunch date, then maybe you need to be sure that what you are sharing with her is NOTHING PERSONAL, and nothing that can be construed as asking for advice.  Stick with topics like movies , TV, holiday decorations, cooking tips, etc.  If she still drags the talk around to offering advice on personal matters ,then you will know she has an agenda and needs to treat you as less than an "equal" friend.

Focus on keeping your conversation on general topics for one meeting and see what happens, even if it feels forced to you.  This will give you a clue  as to whether or not to pursue her friendship.

So much for my advice!!

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This is strictly an email relationship.  I have several "pen pals," one or two long term.  This one is not so long term and I wouldn't consider it very intimate either.  The "advice" results from things we both see, or things I do that she doesn't approve of.

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?? Are you members on a chatboard or facebook or some other online group?  If this is not a long term friendship & you have never met this person, drop her like a hot potato.  There are a lot of scammers out there that are emotional feeders and if she "knows" you from a chat board or something like that, she probably latched on to you like a leech.   People like that feed off the pain they subject others.

You can block her email address and just terminate this "friendship" which doesn't sound like one to me.  I had someone do that to me, constanting emailing me, asking for information, telling me what to do, demanding that I do this or that and then get really angry at me when I wouldn't jump to her demands.

[LilacTree]

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@Lucky Charm wrote:

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@Elvita wrote:

The smartest thing for her to do is cut you off because she is probably getting tired of your whining.

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Not nice.

I would never consider Lilac's posts as whining. 

If the woman Lilac is referring, chooses to never contact Lilac again, she will eventually realize that she lost out on a good acquaintance.  IMHO

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Lucky Charm, thank you.

[LilacTree]

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@biancardi wrote:

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@LilacTree wrote:

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@Libbylady wrote:

I'm a bit confused....does this friend call you on the phone with this advice "out of the blue", or do you & she plan a get together to visit?

If the advice is a thought that pops into her head at some odd moment and she calls to apprise you of it, then perhaps you need to be "too busy" to talk.

If you plan a get together, such as a lunch date, then maybe you need to be sure that what you are sharing with her is NOTHING PERSONAL, and nothing that can be construed as asking for advice.  Stick with topics like movies , TV, holiday decorations, cooking tips, etc.  If she still drags the talk around to offering advice on personal matters ,then you will know she has an agenda and needs to treat you as less than an "equal" friend.

Focus on keeping your conversation on general topics for one meeting and see what happens, even if it feels forced to you.  This will give you a clue  as to whether or not to pursue her friendship.

So much for my advice!!

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This is strictly an email relationship.  I have several "pen pals," one or two long term.  This one is not so long term and I wouldn't consider it very intimate either.  The "advice" results from things we both see, or things I do that she doesn't approve of.

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?? Are you members on a chatboard or facebook or some other online group?  If this is not a long term friendship & you have never met this person, drop her like a hot potato.  There are a lot of scammers out there that are emotional feeders and if she "knows" you from a chat board or something like that, she probably latched on to you like a leech.   People like that feed off the pain they subject others.

You can block her email address and just terminate this "friendship" which doesn't sound like one to me.  I had someone do that to me, constanting emailing me, asking for information, telling me what to do, demanding that I do this or that and then get really angry at me when I wouldn't jump to her demands.

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Biancardi, sorry that happened to you too.  It's not life changing, but very disappointing.

[Susan in California]

@newziesuzie

After having vented about my own sister and her constant unsolicited advice, I read what you had to say, and rather shame-facedly had to agree!  You are absolutely right that there are definitely two sides to this situation.  Good point!

Even in the case of my sister--who is a very good person--

she would probably have a lot to say about me that is annoying. I wish I could delete my previous (venting) post.

So regarding Lilactree's question, I guess I would have to say,  unsolicited advice is annoying, but hey, we don't know the whole story.

[LilacTree]

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@susan in California wrote:

@newziesuzie

After having vented about my own sister and her constant unsolicited advice, I read what you had to say, and rather shame-facedly had to agree!  You are absolutely right that there are definitely two sides to this situation.  Good point!

Even in the case of my sister--who is a very good person--

she would probably have a lot to say about me that is annoying. I wish I could delete my previous (venting) post.

So regarding Lilactree's question, I guess I would have to say,  unsolicited advice is annoying, but hey, we don't know the whole story.

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Susan, in reading this post, I went back and looked for your "venting" post about your sister.  I don't know how I missed it and that is the only reason I did not respond to it.

My sister and I were 13-1/2 months apart and grew up pretty much like twins.  However we were very different, not in looks, but in personality and temperament.  She was the younger and always seemed to be in competition with me.  I don't know why . . . she was prettier and had loads of friends while I was awkward and shy and had no friends to speak of.

As we grew older we became closer, but we argued more and she would go for the "gut" in ways I couldn't respond to.  So there would be months when we wouldn't talk.  I was always the one who called first during those times.  Her pride would not allow her to do that.

We loved each other very much and when she was going through hard times, I took her in to live with me.  Again, we were so different we didn't get along well.  When I had to sell my house she had to go back north and I went to live temporarily with one of my daughters.

My sister had colon/lung cancer.  She was a 60-year smoker and a 30-year drinker (a pack or more a day of beer).  Her health deteriorated over a six-year period and she became very distant from all of us.  She refused to go to doctors.

To make a very long story shorter, we became very close toward the end.  We hugged often and cried a lot.  She was very, very brave at the end.  She was in hospice for six months and I and my girls found ways to get up north every other day for the last three of those months.  I wanted so much to be there on her last day, but as fate would have it, she died on the in-between day and I was not there to embrace her.

That was four years and four months ago.  My mourning will never cease, my missing her will never end.  When anyone says the words, "my sister," it still hits me like a lightning bolt.  I will never, ever get over it.

Do I remember the fights, yes, some of them.  Do they mean anything?  No.  All I think of is nothing is complete anymore because I don't have her to love anymore. 

[Susan in California]

@LilacTree

I want to thank you so much for your very personal and lovely response.  I have always appreciated what you have contributed to these forums in more ways than you would know.  I loved what you had to say about your sister.  It killed me, in fact.

Families are so complicated.  I love my sister and always will, and she loves me.  I would feel so badly if anything happened to her. 

But she in unable to know me because we were both raised by parents that "guided" us to be a certain way, to think a certain way, in no uncertain terms. I still feel that I am admonished constantly in my decisions, big and small.  But why I realized that there are always two sides about "unsolicited advice"--her comments about me would probably be interesting and different and maybe correct in some ways as well.  I don't want to get into all the crazy details, but suffice it to say, your post reminded me of our relationship.

I hope you continue to write on these forums.  Right away, I realized you have something to say that has depth.  Thank you for sharing, LilacTree.

[LilacTree]

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@susan in California wrote:

@LilacTree

I want to thank you so much for your very personal and lovely response.  I have always appreciated what you have contributed to these forums in more ways than you would know.  I loved what you had to say about your sister.  It killed me, in fact.

Families are so complicated.  I love my sister and always will, and she loves me.  I would feel so badly if anything happened to her. 

But she in unable to know me because we were both raised by parents that "guided" us to be a certain way, to think a certain way, in no uncertain terms. I still feel that I am admonished constantly in my decisions, big and small.  But why I realized that there are always two sides about "unsolicited advice"--her comments about me would probably be interesting and different and maybe correct in some ways as well.  I don't want to get into all the crazy details, but suffice it to say, your post reminded me of our relationship.

I hope you continue to write on these forums.  Right away, I realized you have something to say that has depth.  Thank you for sharing, LilacTree.

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I realized, Susan, after reading your first post, how similar our relationships with our sisters were and couldn't believe that somehow I had missed your post.  I then needed to respond to it right away.

Sisters are more alike genetically (even if they are not twins) than any other familial relationship.  But they often don't take the same paths.  Our personalities were completely different in so many ways.  But she rescued me as many times as I rescued her.  Sadly, I couldn't rescue her from what befell her, I tried for years.  We all did.

I have a photo on my FB of her saying goodbye to me on her wedding day when she was leaving me for the first time at age 19 to travel to Colorado with her new husband.  My back was to the camera, but I am sure my face looked just as hers did . . . her lovely hands holding my face, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Thank you also for your beautiful response, and by the way, my sister lived in southern California for a few years, she was an excellent horsewoman and they had horses.  She absolutely loved it out there.

I will say this, although I know that you are well aware.  Be thankful for every day you have your beloved sister.