Re: Thanksgiving gift?

ms traditional · ‎03-09-2010

@dulwich glad you found a solution to your liking. being from the South, i was taught to never arrive empty-handed. with holidays around the corner, i am happy to pick up a lovely pointsettia or dress up some of my homemade snack mix or home-baked goodies for hostess to use whenever. the point is to be thoughtful.

magicmoodz · ‎03-16-2010

@dulwich wrote:
Thank you Ladies for all your opinions. I should clarify in the U.K. where we lived - and where I am from - you always took a gift when you were invited to someone's home for dinner - hence my feeling not to go empty handed, just does not feel right to me.

Solution to my "problem" - I have purchased card, written a poem of thanks to hosts and included several dates when DH and I can take them out to dinner at a nice restaurant here in our town.

@dulwich

This is perfect and I love that you have creatively taken the time to write a poem.

I agree that our cultures and/or where we were raised contribute to our differences with respect to the "hostess gift" phenomenon.😊 I personally never accept an invitation without bringing a gift. If it is a get-together with my best friends, well, that is different. For our get-togethers we all bring wine/libations and appetizers and dinner is usually around a kitchen island. Casual and full of laughter is my favorite way to host or be a guest.

I hope you enjoy the holiday!

Moonchilde · ‎05-23-2010

@dulwich, taking a gift when you’re invited to dinner, however modest, is I believe what most Americans have been taught as well - certainly the generations before me, my generation and the generation after me. Don’t think that it’s uncommon in the US, it’s the norm here too. But for various reasons (as I said in another post) people may be firm (and justified) in saying “Really, seriously, no.”

I don’t think this is a cultural thing. There are just people who don’t understand the concept of being gracious receivers (have known several), and some have good specific reasons.

I think your solution is perfect - but don’t be surprised if they don’t take you up on it. People do (or don’t do) what they want to do, or don’t want to do ;-(

Life without Mexican food is no life at all

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

@Lipstickdiva wrote:
She's given you your wine and champagne back?

If that's the case, I find that to be rude. I don't even understand giving the food back to you. Honestly I get that she tells you every year not to bring or do anything but you do. And I find it in bad taste on her part to hand it back to you. As a host, I would never do that to a guest. I would graciously accept what was given to me.

Just me but since you've asked, she wants nothing and you've tried only to have it given back to you, I'd show up empty handed.

I too find the host to be incredibly rude. To give back a food or drink gift is beyond tacky. She doesn't have to use what you bring for her meal, if it doesn't 'fit', but should never be handed back to you.

It appears you have always brought food/drink, and that obviously isn't working. So I'd give one try with bringing something not food related.

I liked the idea of sending a floral/plant arrangement a few days in advance. It lets her find a place in her home to display it well in advance of the day, when things are hectic and set.

Or, Perhaps since you know her home well, some high end dish towels and some pretty seasonal hand soaps and lotions in a gift basket?

If she handed either one back to me as I left, I have to say, I'd never accept an invitation to visit there again, as I would say she lacks grace, manners and is a bit strange.

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

@Lipstickdiva wrote:
@Moonchilde wrote:
@Lipstickdiva wrote:
She's given you your wine and champagne back?

If that's the case, I find that to be rude.  I don't even understand giving the food back to you. Honestly I get that she tells you every year not to bring or do anything but you do. And I find it in bad taste on her part to hand it back to you. As a host, I would never do that to a guest. I would graciously accept what was given to me.

Just me but since you've asked, she wants nothing and you've tried only to have it given back to you, I'd show up empty handed.

I have been to dinner at homes where the hosts themselves do not drink, or perhaps do not drink wine, as well as homes where no sweets are in the home because a host is diabetic. And yes, people will say “take this home with you please, we won’t be eating/drinking it.”

Hosts aren’t obligated to say, for example “we don’t drink; my husband is a recovering alcoholic” or “I’m diabetic, your lovely layer cake will not be touched.” So yes, there are IMO valid reasons to say/do this, it needn’t be done rudely.
I would hope, since the OP has been going to this home for a number of years, that she would know if they drink or not or if they eat sweets or not.

Regardless, IMO the gracious thing to do is dump the wine and toss the sweets. I would never return a gift to the giver.  That is no different then getting a scarf you don't like and handing it back.

I've received red wine before as a hostess gift and a cheap sweet white wine. I would drink neither. I didn't hand them back. That is tacky.

Agreed @Lipstickdiva

A gift that can't be used can easily be given away to someone who will be able to use it. Even if it has to be discarded, one should be gracious and grateful.

There is never a time it is appropriate to hand a gift back to the giver, when they have been invited to the event. It is beyond tacky and rude.

Regal Bee · ‎07-20-2017

@dulwich wrote:
For the past 3 years DH and I have been invited to share Thanksgiving dinner with a neighbor and her family. 8 of us in total.

Over the years I have taken wine, champagne, made appetizers, pairs etc. but find that none of this us necessary and we are given them back to take home as everything is there so my neighbor said do not worry about bringing food, drinks, we have plenty - and indeed they do.

They have invited us again this year so I thought maybe giving them a gift certificate from a grocery store saying this would go toward the cost of the meal - already offered to buy and cook turkey but again rejected.

What are your opinions Ladies - I thought maybe a $50 or $100 voucher which they can use whenever or is this insulting? Thanks for input.

@dulwich I don't have time to read the replies but truthfully, I find this behavior of returning your gifts odd. I can't imagine someone doing that to me.

Since your offerings have been rejected....I would stop. But, it all depends on how you feel about it.

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

@faeriemoon wrote:
@Sheilaray wrote:
This is a tricky one. Some people are very fussy about their "tablescapes " and if she does this every year, she most like has a plan for her centerpiece. She might even be giving you hints that she doesn't want anything since she sends it back home with you. And I agree that a gift certificate does seem like you are trying to pay for your meal.

I personally have never liked fresh flowers as a hostess gift, especially if not arranged. I feel as though I need to drop everything and deal with the flowers, arranging, finding a vase, finding a spot for them, etc. Tough when hostessing and under pressure.

What about some forward thinking and bringing a nice balsam wreath for their door? They can put it aside and put it out the next day?
I totally agree with this. Nothing like stopping everything when you are trying to get a meal served, so you can cut and arrange flowers. Not to mention locating an appropriate vase. I know people mean well, but what are they thinking?!?

People here are suggesting sending something days before or after, so as not to interfere with the actual day itself.

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

@dmod nj wrote:
Maybe make a donation, in their names, to a local food bank. You can write where you made the donation in a card, mailed to the house, prior to dinner.

This is a nice idea.

dmod nj · ‎10-04-2011

@Mominohio wrote:
@dmod nj wrote:
Maybe make a donation, in their names, to a local food bank. You can write where you made the donation in a card, mailed to the house, prior to dinner.

This is a nice idea.

Thanks @Mominohio

You can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the girl. Jersey Girl living in CNY.

dulwich · ‎01-18-2012

@Mominohio you will see from my earlier thread I have solved my problem.

Your idea is great however we live in a small town and most of the ladies here take turns to cook and serve 5 days a week for all the needy year round. The other 2 days local restaurants provide.

We also knit, crochet hats, gloves, scarves and hang them on the trees Christmas Eve for anyone who needs them. Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas dinner also provided for all - so we do try to provide for our people who need it.

Our town is very caring and everyone knows everyone - especially those who need assistance be it food, house cleaning, repairs, etc. Thank you for your reply.