Community Chat

[adelle38]

" Long story short, she complained to her doctor's nurse about us when questioned about elder abuse. My husband was a doctor also (retired) and got the scoop from his former colleague."

OP, did your mother consent for your husband to get her medical information? Unless she did, this is a clear HIPAA violation.

[croemer]

Madisson feel no need to answer probing questions. I know you're a big girl...just a reminder...the more you answer... the more posters will probe.

[Pippy_1]

On 1/9/2015 D Oro said: Taking care of an elderly parent is difficult when they are cooperative. When they can't or won't work with you, it is extremely exhausting. Only you know within yourself if you've made the right choice for your family. I know that it could not have been an easy decision. I wish you and your mother and the rest of your family well.

So is taking care of a child for 18 years but evidently her mother did it.

[goodstuff]

When you were a child and your mother cared for you, I am sure she set boundaries and had expectations for your behavior. Now that she is old and must be cared for, it's your turn to set some boundaries and expectations. If your mother is unwilling or unable to behave in a way that makes for a peaceful, healthy, safe, and sane environment for you and your family as well as for her, it is probably time to seek help in caring for her and to put some distance between her living place and yours. That doesn't mean you "desert" her. It means you pay attention to the practicalities and realities of caring for her while maintaining your own home and sanity. The number of people who think it's necessary to destroy your own life out of a sense of obligation for your parents is astounding. There is more than one way to care for elders, and each family has to find a way that works for their needs and situation.

[goodstuff]

On 1/9/2015 Pippy said:

On 1/9/2015 D Oro said: Taking care of an elderly parent is difficult when they are cooperative. When they can't or won't work with you, it is extremely exhausting. Only you know within yourself if you've made the right choice for your family. I know that it could not have been an easy decision. I wish you and your mother and the rest of your family well.

So is taking care of a child for 18 years but evidently her mother did it.

In the course of raising and caring for children, most parents receive help from schools, churches, medical professionals, camps, and in some difficult cases counselors, boarding schools, or residential therapeutic facilities. Few parents proclaim that they will raise their children totally on their own, in their own home, with no help from any outsiders. So it is with elderly parents who sometimes develop severe behavioral issues, cognitive issues, medical issues, safety issues, and other problems that can benefit from help and therapy outside the family. Few families live all together all the time with no assistance. Care for your parents with love and loyalty, but when you need help, find it and be thankful for it.

[bikerbabe]

I remember your first post several weeks ago. You indicated that your mother was always a very difficult personality even when she was younger this aspect of her behavior has intensified as she has gotten older. She may be happier in assisted living. I always took care of my mother before she passed but my situation was very different and hostility and dementia were not factors. I wish you well.

[ROMARY]

adelle: I was wondering the same...........

[meglet]

I'm a live in caretaker for Mom, 88. legally blind, getting deaf, and Dad, 85, almost completely deaf. Both are frail. I work full time outside the house as well. I'm TRYING, but some days I just can't take it. I have every sign of caregiver burnout. Isn't it at least possible that some elders would be better off in a nursing home or assisted living than at home? My parents would have better meals, caregivers who weren't constantly stressed out, people who would be much more engaging and patient because they can go home to their own families and sanctuaries at the end of the day. There would be activities to aid in socialization and entertainment for them. We only hear horror stories about elderly people "put in" nursing homes and never stop to think that in some or many cases it might be healthier all around for them to be in a nursing home.

There's no comparison between a parent taking care of a child and a grown child taking care of a parent. They got a break from us every day when we went to school, we had many things and people to keep us occupied and entertained during the day, and what our parents ordered us to do, we did. Not so with homebound elders. This is all to say nothing of the positive reinforcement and joy parents get from children's smiles, hugs, laughter, the "I love you Mommy." Having no children, I can't personally vouch for that "being in love with your children" hormonal thing, but I can tell you it isn't there when one is taking care of parents.

I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy.

[croemer]

On 1/9/2015 meglet said:

I'm a live in caretaker for Mom, 88. legally blind, getting deaf, and Dad, 85, almost completely deaf. Both are frail. I work full time outside the house as well. I'm TRYING, but some days I just can't take it. I have every sign of caregiver burnout. Isn't it at least possible that some elders would be better off in a nursing home or assisted living than at home? My parents would have better meals, caregivers who weren't constantly stressed out, people who would be much more engaging and patient because they can go home to their own families and sanctuaries at the end of the day. There would be activities to aid in socialization and entertainment for them. We only hear horror stories about elderly people "put in" nursing homes and never stop to think that in some or many cases it might be healthier all around for them to be in a nursing home.

There's no comparison between a parent taking care of a child and a grown child taking care of a parent. They got a break from us every day when we went to school, we had many things and people to keep us occupied and entertained during the day, and what our parents ordered us to do, we did. Not so with homebound elders. This is all to say nothing of the positive reinforcement and joy parents get from children's smiles, hugs, laughter, the "I love you Mommy." Having no children, I can't personally vouch for that "being in love with your children" hormonal thing, but I can tell you it isn't there when one is taking care of parents.

I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy.

meglet...well said. I am sorry about the stress. I went thru some tough times while caring for my Dad...most not do to him bu...t a woman he was involved with. Your situation is much harder. God Bless you.

[KathyPet]

Good Stuff, Excellent post.