Community Chat

[Marp2]

On 1/9/2015 meglet said:

I'm a live in caretaker for Mom, 88. legally blind, getting deaf, and Dad, 85, almost completely deaf. Both are frail. I work full time outside the house as well. I'm TRYING, but some days I just can't take it. I have every sign of caregiver burnout. Isn't it at least possible that some elders would be better off in a nursing home or assisted living than at home? My parents would have better meals, caregivers who weren't constantly stressed out, people who would be much more engaging and patient because they can go home to their own families and sanctuaries at the end of the day. There would be activities to aid in socialization and entertainment for them. We only hear horror stories about elderly people "put in" nursing homes and never stop to think that in some or many cases it might be healthier all around for them to be in a nursing home.

There's no comparison between a parent taking care of a child and a grown child taking care of a parent. They got a break from us every day when we went to school, we had many things and people to keep us occupied and entertained during the day, and what our parents ordered us to do, we did. Not so with homebound elders. This is all to say nothing of the positive reinforcement and joy parents get from children's smiles, hugs, laughter, the "I love you Mommy." Having no children, I can't personally vouch for that "being in love with your children" hormonal thing, but I can tell you it isn't there when one is taking care of parents.

I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy.

Meglet, I have been where you are. I was the sole caregiver for my mom for 25 years until she was hospitalized with CHF. From hospital she was transferred to a nursing home/rehab facility and after just a few days I was told in no uncertain terms that I could not continue trying to care for her on my own.

Mom was admitted to the dementia/Alzheimer unit of the NH and it is the best thing that ever happened to both of us. It has been almost two years since mom was admitted and I can say with 100% honesty that if mom had returned home one or both of us would not be alive today.

I visit mom nearly every day and I am slowly healing from the effects of the prolonged stress of caregiving. Mom's overall health is better and so is mine. Once I recognized how much better both our lives are I no longer felt guilt. It was the right thing to do for both of us.

Speaking from hindsight I would encourage anyone that is nearing the end of their rope from the stresses of taking care of an elderly parent to at least consider assisted living or nursing home admission if at all possible.

((((hugs))))

[lulu2]

There is little comparison between raising a child and taking care of elderly parents.

We having a loving son but would never expect him to care for us when we can no longer care for ourselves.

[D Oro]

On 1/9/2015 Pippy said:

On 1/9/2015 D Oro said: Taking care of an elderly parent is difficult when they are cooperative. When they can't or won't work with you, it is extremely exhausting. Only you know within yourself if you've made the right choice for your family. I know that it could not have been an easy decision. I wish you and your mother and the rest of your family well.

So is taking care of a child for 18 years but evidently her mother did it.

I've walked in the OP's shoes with both my parents. With children, under normal circumstances one expects that child will learn and grow and become independent and leave the nest. With elderly parents, the exact opposite is the expectation. My father set my house on fire twice. He turned the gas stove on without lighting it. It could have killed us all. He did none of the hundreds of things like that with malice. My husband was my rock and he assisted me with my father without a single complaint. He was the only one to help me even though I have five siblings. I saw things no daughter should see. I would do it all over again if I needed to. My response to you is that the comparison of taking care of difficult elderly parents and raising a child to age 18 is like comparing puppies to elephants. This is based on my personal experience.

[Anniecamp]

Goodstuff's posts are excellent.

Madisson (OP), I remember your original posts on this subject. Where others are critical of your "glee" over this, I really think you are happy/relieved at a decision has FINALLY been made! Not that you are happy that you had to resort to this. You did your best, so ignore other's criticism. You were going through daily, round the clock torment. Nobody deserves that. You've done your best, and really tried. I had a similar situation in taking care of my mother and disabled sibling. Alzheimers, etc. When I finally had to place her in a care facility, critical people who'd not seen her in years came out of the woodwork. They had no idea what I was going through. I also still had four young children to raise. After a bit, my mother adjusted just fine and lived almost 4 more years much happier. I suspect the move will eventually help your mother's and your relationship. This will curb her putting herself in danger, as well as threatening you.

[sassenach1]

Madisson - I have been in your shoes. I took care of my mother all my life, from one illness to another, constantly. She lived with us the last five years of her life and had Alzheimer's. For the last two months, she was in a rehab/assisted living facility due to worsened condition. Ups, downs, highs, lows - I lived it all as sole caregiver.

She died in June. I was in the middle of a huge, stressful work project that lasted until this past week. It is only now that I am able to begin to figure out who I am. I gave her care my all, to the detriment of my health, life, and mind.

Hugs to you. You are doing the right thing.

[Irshgrl31201]

On 1/9/2015 GoodStuff said:

When you were a child and your mother cared for you, I am sure she set boundaries and had expectations for your behavior. Now that she is old and must be cared for, it's your turn to set some boundaries and expectations. If your mother is unwilling or unable to behave in a way that makes for a peaceful, healthy, safe, and sane environment for you and your family as well as for her, it is probably time to seek help in caring for her and to put some distance between her living place and yours. That doesn't mean you "desert" her. It means you pay attention to the practicalities and realities of caring for her while maintaining your own home and sanity. The number of people who think it's necessary to destroy your own life out of a sense of obligation for your parents is astounding. There is more than one way to care for elders, and each family has to find a way that works for their needs and situation.

ITA with everything you have said. It really sounds like the OP has gone above and beyond and NO ONE has to take abuse.

I have to bold your entire post because the entire thing is absolutely spot on and what any mental health professional would tell you.

I can't believe some of the judgmental comments here.

[Marienkaefer2]

On 1/9/2015 Teacups said:

On 1/9/2015 terrier3 said:

How sad.

My mom was a handful too and took great glee in insulting me to tears.

But she was my mother and I cared for her out of respect and didn't regret doing so. She had NO money - I supported her.

If your mom has dementia - how are her actions HER fault?

right on Terrier...I took care of my Mom and Step dad too. I am glad I did!

There are different ways of ""taking care of"" people. They are not turning her out in the street. They found a great place for her to live where she will be well cared for. I don't judge other families. I don't walk in their shoes.

[Marienkaefer2]

On 1/9/2015 Irshgrl31201 said:

On 1/9/2015 GoodStuff said:

When you were a child and your mother cared for you, I am sure she set boundaries and had expectations for your behavior. Now that she is old and must be cared for, it's your turn to set some boundaries and expectations. If your mother is unwilling or unable to behave in a way that makes for a peaceful, healthy, safe, and sane environment for you and your family as well as for <em>her</em>, it is probably time to seek help in caring for her and to put some distance between her living place and yours. That doesn't mean you "desert" her. It means you pay attention to the practicalities and realities of caring for her while maintaining your own home and sanity. The number of people who think it's necessary to destroy your own life out of a sense of obligation for your parents is astounding. There is more than one way to care for elders, and each family has to find a way that works for their needs and situation.

ITA with everything you have said. It really sounds like the OP has gone above and beyond and NO ONE has to take abuse.

I have to bold your entire post because the entire thing is absolutely spot on and what any mental health professional would tell you.

I can't believe some of the judgmental comments here.

I can't, either. Good post by Irshgrl and GoodStuff!

[lory]

On 1/9/2015 lulu2 said:

There is little comparison between raising a child and taking care of elderly parents.

We having a loving son but would never expect him to care for us when we can no longer care for ourselves.

Exactly! maddison I hope your mom loves assisted living...my dad did.

[NC Bandwagon]

Hello, Madison.

I read your posts about this before. It seems like you and your husband did your best. Don't worry about anyone trying to judge you. They don't know what you've been through. And even if they did, everyone's situation is different. Some of the attitude you're getting from some posts is common on this board for both serious and non-serious subjects, so it really has nothing to do with you.

Be good to yourself.