Community Chat

[Sooner]

---

@Daisy Sunflower wrote:

I wouldn't send her a gift. I wouldn't have given her a shower gift either.

---

Looking back, I agree!  I spent way too much worry, time and money on people like that in my life and if they cared about you, it would be different.

I took a very long time to learn that when people make you an option in their life, don't make them a priority in yours.  Not mean, but there are better way to spend time and energy than people who don't put out an effort for you.  The brutal truth is that they don't care that much. 

[Sooner]

---

@NYC Susan wrote:

---

@libbyannE wrote:

It sounds as if the niece will offend you either way: if she invites you, you are offended. If she did NOT invite you, you probably would feel slighted, too. She gave you the courtesy of an invitation, so all you have to do is say yea or nay. Send a card, yes, but the gift is your choice. I have a distant niece, too, but it isn’t her fault or mine that she has never lived within 1500 to 2000 miles of us. Don’t take things so personally. 

---

I completely agree!  Well said.

My family is widely scattered, not only throughout the US, but throughout the world.  It's understood that we can't all be in close touch and that we all can't attend milestone events, whether they're birthday parties for a young child, graduations, weddings, or anything else.  

I have never viewed an invitation as a gift grab.  If I want to attend and I can, I go and I give a gift.  If I don't attend, I give a gift if I feel that I want to.  I would far rather be invited than be left out.  An invitation is not a command performance - It's simply an invitation, people asking you to share in the joy of their day.  What we do re attending/giving a gift is totally our choice, based on how we feel about it and our relationship with the people involved.  It's really very simple.

---

@NYC Susan  It's wonderful that your family is close that way.  Some of us aren't that lucky.  In some families yes, it IS a gift grab.  People either invest time and effort to stay close or they don't and that is different for every family and every person.

[ID2]

All I can say is I'm sooooo glad I have a small family. 

[NYC Susan]

---

@Sooner wrote:

---

@NYC Susan wrote:

---

@libbyannE wrote:

It sounds as if the niece will offend you either way: if she invites you, you are offended. If she did NOT invite you, you probably would feel slighted, too. She gave you the courtesy of an invitation, so all you have to do is say yea or nay. Send a card, yes, but the gift is your choice. I have a distant niece, too, but it isn’t her fault or mine that she has never lived within 1500 to 2000 miles of us. Don’t take things so personally. 

---

I completely agree!  Well said.

My family is widely scattered, not only throughout the US, but throughout the world.  It's understood that we can't all be in close touch and that we all can't attend milestone events, whether they're birthday parties for a young child, graduations, weddings, or anything else.  

I have never viewed an invitation as a gift grab.  If I want to attend and I can, I go and I give a gift.  If I don't attend, I give a gift if I feel that I want to.  I would far rather be invited than be left out.  An invitation is not a command performance - It's simply an invitation, people asking you to share in the joy of their day.  What we do re attending/giving a gift is totally our choice, based on how we feel about it and our relationship with the people involved.  It's really very simple.

---

@NYC Susan  It's wonderful that your family is close that way.  Some of us aren't that lucky.  In some families yes, it IS a gift grab.  People either invest time and effort to stay close or they don't and that is different for every family and every person.

---

Yes, of course I understand that.

I was agreeing with @libbyannE, especially her statement that it's not someone's fault if they live far away.  It's harder to keep in close touch when you're in different time zones and it's not easy to see each other often, so I always prefer to give people I care about the benefit of the doubt.  And yes, of course people and relationships vary quite a bit.

But my point really was that I don't see this kind of issue as a big deal.   When I have received invitations to events I have no interest in attending, I don't go.  And if I ever felt an invitation was nothing more than a gift grab, I wouldn't give a gift. We can do whatever we want - Go or don't go.  Give or don't give.  I just don't understand the angst. 

[Sooner]

@NYC Susan The angst is because I was raised to be the giver and in that case, it takes angst to learn to protect yourself from the takers of the world. 

[NYC Susan]

---

@Sooner wrote:

@NYC Susan The angst is because I was raised to be the giver and in that case, it takes angst to learn to protect yourself from the takers of the world. 

---

I wasn't referring to you specifically when I mentioned angst.  And I was raised the same as you, so I understand what you mean.  But I see these kinds of posts all the time.  And many posters seem intent on finding fault with simple invitations and the people who send them rather than just taking them at face value.  That's what I was referencing.

If someone feels taken advantage of, of course they should protect themselves.  Absolutely.  I was a therapist for many years, and could write a book about that, and other related topics.  But the fact remains that an invitation is not a command performance, and invitations are often extended as a courtesy with no malice whatsoever.  As was posted above (in the post I initially commented on), many people would be offended if they were not invited!

No one is forced to attend and no one is forced to give a gift.  If we want to protect ourselves from people we feel are using us (and we should), then the solution is to simply RSVP "will not attend" and move on with our lives.

[stevieb]

@bootsanne My response would be even more cool than was hers to you declining to attend a shower to which, by the way, your invitation was gratuitous, and she knew it... I'd not attend the shower nor the wedding and were I to send a gift at all, it would be one single gift congratulating the girl on her marriage... If you already sent a shower gift, that would be it for me... other, perhaps, than a lovely card...

[stevieb]

---

@Sooner wrote:

---

@NYC Susan wrote:

---

@libbyannE wrote:

It sounds as if the niece will offend you either way: if she invites you, you are offended. If she did NOT invite you, you probably would feel slighted, too. She gave you the courtesy of an invitation, so all you have to do is say yea or nay. Send a card, yes, but the gift is your choice. I have a distant niece, too, but it isn’t her fault or mine that she has never lived within 1500 to 2000 miles of us. Don’t take things so personally. 

---

I completely agree!  Well said.

My family is widely scattered, not only throughout the US, but throughout the world.  It's understood that we can't all be in close touch and that we all can't attend milestone events, whether they're birthday parties for a young child, graduations, weddings, or anything else.  

I have never viewed an invitation as a gift grab.  If I want to attend and I can, I go and I give a gift.  If I don't attend, I give a gift if I feel that I want to.  I would far rather be invited than be left out.  An invitation is not a command performance - It's simply an invitation, people asking you to share in the joy of their day.  What we do re attending/giving a gift is totally our choice, based on how we feel about it and our relationship with the people involved.  It's really very simple.

---

@NYC Susan  It's wonderful that your family is close that way.  Some of us aren't that lucky.  In some families yes, it IS a gift grab.  People either invest time and effort to stay close or they don't and that is different for every family and every person.

---

Agree, reading what the OP said, it would seem as though there was ample opportunity for a least a modicum of closeness or at least the occasional inquiry about how things are going... And yet, the desire to reach out and touch someone wasn't pursued until it was time to make out the guest list and the wedding registry...

[bootsanne]

@stevieb  Your last paragraph  said what I was trying to convey.  Even though we are 3 hours apart in miles, I'm pretty sure my i-phone and landline still work at that distance.  She lives her life on Facebook--which I don't even have an account.  The save-the-date was done by text, so she does know how to connect with me.  All of her cousin's on her dad's side were invited, but none on my sister's side.  I just hope that my not giving a gift will effect my relationship with her 2 sisters, because we are close.  But I have too many other issues I'm dealing with other than a remote niece.  I wish families were close like when I was younger but you can't force somebody to care for you.

[stevieb]

@bootsanne Hoping it all works out. As families drift apart, I think many of us look back on the days when we were closer. It's a shame that we do, but life takes over... If you sense some distance with the others, you might just make a little extra effort to remain close with them, and then the ball is in their court... One shouldn't have to explain oneself about the wedding, but if things do seem less close you might even opt, in passing, to briefly mention why you didn't feel compelled to attend or send a gift, acknowleging that it would have been nice had their sister reached out to you with any kind of interest about what's going on in your life...