Community Chat

[Drythe]

On 12/22/2014 qualitygal said:

Don't feel guilty. That's #1. From my life observations, kid's who don't visit parents for whatever the reason, just wait until some neighbor calls in an emergency for the older person that takes them to the hospital. Then they have to act. I hope you have their phone numbers and/or addresses.

You've been kind and she probably in her heart has adopted you. Older people can be very needy. It just happens I think. They forget about people working/not and getting a new job is more than the other job! They don't realize what they are doing and I think can become self-absorbed.

I'd suggest seeing if there's a Senior Day Care and let her kid's know. It isn't your responsibility, but the kind heart that you are, you'd feel bad if something happened to her. Get her kids notified. Then I see your responsibility gone. You'll have done what you could. Legally, she's their responsibility.

I agree with you qualitygal,

DARING GREATLY, you have become very important to her and she is starting to count on you more and more. This is from the kindness of your heart, but you should not be her only support, for your sake and hers.

Regretfully I would also contact social services for an assessment of her needs and let SS know that she frequently calls on you when she is in need and you are concerned for her seeming lack of support.

Best wishes to you in your job hunt, I hope it is successful quickly.

[lolakimono]

OP, since you are unemployed, perhaps you can work out a financial arrangement with her to help with some of the tasks (gas money for errands, hiring a handyman, etc.) so that the relationship can be more business oriented. Once the kids find out that she's paying someone else (and their inheritance is slowly wasting away) perhaps they'll step up and help her out.

[issiestorm]

First of all, I would not have bought her a Christmas gift, since that will only serve to encourage her to continue calling you. As Dear Abbey (or was it Ann Landers?) used to say, no one can take advantage of you without your permission. I would tell her in no uncertain terms that you didn't appreciate her tone of voice and demanding stance. I think you need to put her in her place or she will continue to assume she can take advantage of you.

[Financialgrl]

Listen to see if a son is supposed to come and if I did see one of them there, go and speak to one of them. I'd tell them their mother needs help, you are willing to only do so much. Tell the woman that you have no problem providing help, but you have a life (in a nice way). I'd not answer calls to come over to show you something.

If, after speaking to one of her kids, there is no change, call Adult Protection Services. Two schools of thought on this - - depending upon your local APS, no one will respond or, if you live in a place with a good APS, nothing moves a family more than having social services in their business.

[Anniecamp]

I sure hope the wasn't calling you over to give you a Christmas gift.

[Plaid Pants]

On 12/22/2014 DARING GREATLY said:

Unfortunately, I have no contact information for the children. Two live in town, one is in another state.

I called her today to see how she was. Her one son was supposed to come over today, but he slept in all day. What a jerk! She needs him to drive her to the doctor on Wed. and he's whining about it she says. Her kids are spoiled brats and she's always making excuses for them.

It's sad because she needs bars put up in her shower and near her toilet to grip. I have no tools or any handyman skills. She asked her one son to help her but he never did. Yet, he is now fixing his garage up, so he has the tools and knows how to use them. I told her today to get forceful with her kids and tell them she needs help. It is just sickening to see how some children can be so self centered, just like my siblings who never helped with my ill parents.

Yet, they'll be fussing and fighting over the Will when she passes away. Then, they will be "interested" in their mother.

It makes me so angry. But, as you have all said, I must set boundaries. She used to tell me that my Dad should have spoken up and should have made my siblings come to help. But, now she realizes that isn't so easy. I think she's afraid she'll push them away, but she needs to express to them the urgency and her health is at stake.

I feel sorry for her, I really do. But, I can't do everything for her. I can't be expected to.

That's only one side to the story. That's only her side of the story.

There may be a reason as to why the kids stay away from Mom, that you are unaware of.

Stop calling her every single day.

Call her once a week, twice at most.

Don't be her doormat.

[apple1964]

That is what happens to me when I get too involved with people. What happens with me is that I am a friendly person and help people when I can. I find it difficult to tell them they are becoming to demanding and sometimes suffocating. I slowly detach myself from these people and even had to tell someone to cut this behavior out. I would speak to her and tell her this can not go on. Good luck with this very awkward situation.

[Another new name Sue]

On 12/21/2014 DARING GREATLY said:

Thanks everyone for your great advice. I called her back and nicely told her I've been busy and am fine, but I have a lot to do and it's a busy day for me. She said to me, "Please come over so I can show you something." She doesn't give up easily.

I didn't even respond, I nicely told her I needed to go. It was hard, but she's getting very difficult.

Where are her kids? She doesn't hassle them like this, she is always making excuses for them.

I appreciate all the advice.

Great job. You must protect yourself from the overwhelming neediness of this woman. Your neighbor is unaware of how annoying she is. She is unable to pick up on the social cues you have given her. You must speak to her bluntly but kindly. You don't owe her any excuses why you cannot come over. Absolutely don't stand and listen to her rambling for an hour. Just politely cut her off.

She may call you with an "emergency" in her desperation for contact with you. If it seems a true emergency, she needs to call 911, a plumber, or whatever. Other "emergencies" should be directed to her kids.

You should probably be in touch with at least one of her kids.

[apple1964]

On 12/28/2014 Anniecamp said:

I sure hope the wasn't calling you over to give you a Christmas gift.

And if she is giving you a Christmas present I would not except it .. because, of the way you feel.

[VioletEyes]

There is an old saying "Good fences make good neighbors."

I think from reading your thread you are a very giving person who is now being taken advantage of. Friendly, warm people are often used by others and I think this is such a case.

You need to set boundaries and make sure your neighbor understands that a few acts of kindness do not make you her confidante or that you are willing to have a close relationship. I would nip it in the bud and stop ALL contact except to wave hello. Eventually, she will get the message.

Don't feel guilty either. People who use people are sometimes masters of this ploy to make you feel badly.

Stay strong and put yourself and your own needs first. I have found over the years that people respect you more.

Good luck!!