Issue Again with My Neighbor - Page 3

shoekitty · ‎03-10-2010

It sounds like many things are going on. Dementia may be one. Dementia takes many forms, and one is consistency and dependency. She may be scared, and forgets what she is doing. But IDK I am not there.

One route you can take, is add it up to charity and kindness to someone in need, You could talk to her and say you have obligations and have certain times to do things or relax, and she can call between certain times . You can speak to one of her kids, and mention that you think their mom needs special attention.

Sometimes things are not what they appear. My Mom has some dementia I am sure. She is wealthy, wealthy (big time) but from what she tells me (the things she does), people must think she is a poor, senior on a SS check only. She is over here once a week (we live far), my daughters (her grands) take her on trips here and there, visit her once a week,, she comes to all family events, my brother visits twice a week, my other brother a couple times a month. She spent 20 years trying to find the right place to buy here where we live, but no home was right. She refuses to go to assisted living, an apt near here. Yet she complains she "has no family" that she is all alone to everyone. I have tried care takers, she went through 6 in one month, then refused to have them. I call 2x a day, and have to call neighbor because she leaves phone off hook a lot. To everyone who does not know the inside "scoop" or us, they would think she is emotionally neglected. She goes on and on about being alone, when we or anyone else is visiting. Nothing you do at times for her is ever enough, and she dislikes everyone, so she has few friends, The friends she has she doesn't care for either.

So what I am saying is things may not be as they appear, but speaking to one of the kids might help. Perhaps they hook her up with a Senior Center, or you could get some info and ask her? My Mom won't go to a senior center, because she feels above it all, and says "no, they are too old there". She is 94.

You sound like a caring, wonderful neighbor anyone would be glad to have. I hope you find a happy medium. I pray the problem will be resolved for you both. I hate to say this, but maybe you are the one who was meant to help her. Yikes. Hey, it happens.

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

Don't feel guilty. That's #1. From my life observations, kid's who don't visit parents for whatever the reason, just wait until some neighbor calls in an emergency for the older person that takes them to the hospital. Then they have to act. I hope you have their phone numbers and/or addresses.

You've been kind and she probably in her heart has adopted you. Older people can be very needy. It just happens I think. They forget about people working/not and getting a new job is more than the other job! They don't realize what they are doing and I think can become self-absorbed.

I'd suggest seeing if there's a Senior Day Care and let her kid's know. It isn't your responsibility, but the kind heart that you are, you'd feel bad if something happened to her. Get her kids notified. Then I see your responsibility gone. You'll have done what you could. Legally, she's their responsibility.

Big Sister · ‎05-15-2010

Don't call her back. Please communicate with her children and tell them what's going on and that you cannot help her anymore. They probably won't be surprised. I hope you have their phone numbers or mailing addresses.

You must put a stop to this now. Don't feel guilty, it may be just what is needed for her to get the help she really needs, 24/7.

As long as the children know you are there to help her, they don't have to step up.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

As has been stated already, your neighbor is old, lonely, and seeking more attention from the only person giving her their time and attention. I have dealt with this before, and the solution was to make sure every member of our family stepped up with calls and visits to make this person feel more connected and loved. As soon as my family member started getting what she needed from her loved ones, the attention seeking behavior stopped. You must contact her children and make sure they are aware of their mothers behavior.

Black Cat Back · ‎03-21-2010

Unfortunately, I have no contact information for the children. Two live in town, one is in another state.

I called her today to see how she was. Her one son was supposed to come over today, but he slept in all day. What a jerk! She needs him to drive her to the doctor on Wed. and he's whining about it she says. Her kids are spoiled brats and she's always making excuses for them.

It's sad because she needs bars put up in her shower and near her toilet to grip. I have no tools or any handyman skills. She asked her one son to help her but he never did. Yet, he is now fixing his garage up, so he has the tools and knows how to use them. I told her today to get forceful with her kids and tell them she needs help. It is just sickening to see how some children can be so self centered, just like my siblings who never helped with my ill parents.

Yet, they'll be fussing and fighting over the Will when she passes away. Then, they will be "interested" in their mother.

It makes me so angry. But, as you have all said, I must set boundaries. She used to tell me that my Dad should have spoken up and should have made my siblings come to help. But, now she realizes that isn't so easy. I think she's afraid she'll push them away, but she needs to express to them the urgency and her health is at stake.

I feel sorry for her, I really do. But, I can't do everything for her. I can't be expected to.

toodles11 · ‎12-07-2010

She should tell them that she has been thinking about changing her will. See what response she gets to that.

Otherwise she should change her will and hire a handyman to do the things that need to be done.

marmot24 · ‎03-12-2010

Sorry to read of your difficulties with your neighbor. Someone once told me that many times when you help people, first the help is "appreciated", then "expected", then "exploited". I hope you're not getting to the exploited stage. I've found that statement to be very true,unfortunately.

game-on · ‎03-22-2010

Since she seems to appreciate you I would ask for her kids' phone numbers and I would call them if something happens to her.

Otherwise, I would tell her that it is time for you to back away as you are needing more time for ...... whatever you deem important. Tell her that her well being is up to her and her family. I would quit the daily phone calls.... call once a week... don't go fetch whatever she needs.... I agree with the poster.... we teach people how to treat us. I also agree with the last poster who talked about feeling exploited. I believe this woman's desperate tone shows that she is scared... and is depending on you to calm her fears and take care of her.

If she calls you.... tell her to call one of her children, wish her a good day... and hang up.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

On 12/21/2014 AnikaBrodie said:
It's time to set boundaries. You are a neighbor, not family, and your association with her should be based on your schedule, not hers. You said she is elderly which leads me to believe she may be lonely and just wants to talk with someone. I'm sorry that her immediate family does not visit with her often but that is her problem, not yours. Don't feel guilty when/if you don't return her calls or talk to or visit with her on a daily basis.

I agree with this. YOU have to decide (and demonstrate by your actions) how close & time-consuming you want this relationship to be.

That's the tricky thing about neighbors: Getting too close can be very awkward if one of them is not as much into the friendship as the other.

She obviously likes you and she's obviously lonely. But you are not on call to serve her needs. If she calls and says, "Call me back", you're not under any obligation to do so. Even when my own mother says, "Call me back", I don't feel I have to jump and call her immediately. Just because this woman is telling you to call doesn't mean you have to do it. And you don't have to give her an excuse or an apology. The bottom line is that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do just because she calls or makes a request.

My advice: Be nice to her. But within parameters that make you comfortable. You're perfectly entitled to live your life. There's no reason for her needs to take precedence over yours. It's unfortunate that her children don't pay attention to her, but that's not your fault & you don't have to step in & take over their roles. I wouldn't call her back and say I wasn't feeling well. I wouldn't call her back at all if I didn't want to or if I was busy (even if being busy means watching a football game or drinking a cup of tea) because that just sets the precedent. She calls, and you feel that you have respond to whatever it is she wants. No! She has to learn that not every phone call will get a response from you. Not every request of hers will be taken care of by you. I wouldn't cut her off or be mean. I would just show by my actions how I want this relationship to be. You'll see her, you'll speak to her, you'll return her phone calls, you'll spend time with her. But not all the time, not every time, and not on command.

If you allow it, she will take over your life completely. It will probably take a little adjustment period, but if you're sweet & nice to her while discreetly setting some boundaries, I think you'll be much happier.

Kiss

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

Since her children are neglecting her and she needs safety bars installed, you would be justified in calling the Agency on Aging or whatever it's called in your local. Get a social worker involved in handling her needs and her family. Right now you're her social worker.

It's unfortunate that she's become a nuisance and because of it may end up driving you away.