Community Chat

[Black Cat Back]

A couple months ago, I came to the forum to ask advice about an elderly neighbor. You were all so kind and helpful. The issues with her are esculating.

My neighbor has had some issues with her health and she has 3 children that don't offer any assistance. Two of them live in town. She calls on me for company and I oblige by talking to her (some of her conversations go on for 45 min). I pick up her mail when she cannot go to the mailbox and have offered to pick something up at the store if she is in need. She really needs to be in assisted living, but her kids are blind to her issues and needs.

I have stepped back a lot after many of you advised me not to enable her and to set clear boundaries. I lost my job of 18 years a few weeks ago, so I'm not really in a position to help her as much now. I can talk on the phone, visit on occasion, but I have my own issues to deal with right now. I know she's lonely, but she has children who need to be there for her.

I dropped by a Christmas gift (a CD and some See's Candy) to her for the holidays. She kept me talking in her house for an hour before I told her I had to leave. She "expects" me to call her every day, if I don't, she calls me.

This morning it's taking a new turn...

I was eating breakfast this morning and the phone rang. I let it go to voice mail since I was eating. It was the neighbor. This is what her message said (in a very abrupt tone), "Hi... where are you? I wanted you to answer so you could come over right now. I have something to show you. Call me back and I want you to come over here."

It wasn't as if she had an emergency, she "wants to show me something." It's Sunday, my one day to relax and chill. I want to watch some football, read, do my wash, do some yard work, take a walk, and just not be bothered. I have no desire to go to her house at her command and interrupt my day. Now, she is starting to be demanding. Yesterday, she said she wanted me to come for X-mas dinner with her son, who is making chili. I told her I could not come. I won't, but she just assumes I need to be there.

I've been more than generous and helpful. I can live with talking to her on the phone now and then, but I draw the line at being summoned to her house in that manner. I was in my pajamas when she called, am I supposed to go over there like that? I think she's losing it, to be honest. She calls me not her kids and I have been there for her more than they have been.

I don't want to even call her back today. What do you think I should do? I was going to call and tell her I'm not feeling too well today... but, do I even have to do that? I don't appreciate her tone and her pushiness at this point. If she has something to show me, it can wait. I'm beginning to see maybe why her kids don't come around.

Thanks for any suggestions. I feel sorry for her, but she's taking advantage of me at this point. Why the heck should I feel obliged to come when she calls?

[Black Cat Back]

She just called me again and left a message, "Where are you?" "I need you to come over here, I want to show you something."

She wouldn't call her own children like this and summon them over to her home. I feel bad ignoring her, but I don't know what to do. I know it's not an emergency because she mentioned it on the phone yesterday she wanted me to come over. She has med alert and all that, so I know it's not life or death.

I know this may sound ridiculous, but I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Why do people that do good deeds always get hassled in the end?

I am not obligated to be at her beck and call.

[Marianne1]

I think I would just ignore her requests COMPLETELY.

Does that sound harsh?

She has two children, locally. She has medic alert. She is not in danger with those things in place, and I just think that this is an all or nothing kind of woman- if you give a little, she will take more and more (emotionally and time wise)

Unless you have a way to talk to her local children about this, I think I would just cut all ties.

Sorry if that is mean sounding, I just don't know what else would fix this for you.

[goodstuff]

What a sad situation. If I were you, I'd call your neighbor back and just calmly, politely, and very firmly tell her that you're busy, that you can't come over today, and that she needs to call one of her children if she needs someone to come over. Wish her a nice day, hang up the phone, and go about your business. You may want to check caller ID before answering the phone if her calls become frequent and more demanding.

Do you know her children who live in town? Do you know anyone else (a pastor, perhaps?) who might have input to the family? It would be good if you could contact one of the children and let them know that their mother seems to need more help and has been calling you frequently. If you feel she is being neglected and is perhaps in danger living on her own without assistance and you don't get a response from her children, you may want to call community senior services to see if a social worker will visit her and/or contact her family.

This isn't your responsibility, and you aren't in a position to make decisions about a neighbor's care, but bless you for being concerned.

[mousiegirl]

I would stop communicating with her at all. She has become dependant on you, and that will never change until you make it clear that you will not be available to her from now on.

[Black Cat Back]

You are all so right. I never have met her kids. One son comes over once in a blue moon. I have no contact info for them.

I think she has some artifact (some thing she has in her collection of things) to show me. She isn't asking for help per se, but for me to come over so she can show me something. She's done that before. She read this long letter once she wrote to her daughter and found. She will go on and on about her kids on the phone and how busy they are and tells me about their lives (girlfriends, jobs...). I don't care about her kids. I think she needs someone to talk to, but it can't continuously be me.

Nothing any of you have suggested is mean. It's how I'm feeling now. I would have called her back, but it was her aggressive tone and her summoning me to come over "right now."I think she may be having some mental issues now. She is usually very in control, smart, observant, perceptive.

I took care of my Dad who died of cancer and had no help from my siblings who live out of state. I could have never turned my back on my parents.

She will make excuses for her kids, but she's in my face for not being there when she calls. It's sad, but it's really so unfair to me. I've tried to be caring and generous with my time. I have my own personal issues right now.

There are plenty of neighbors around here (more her age) she can call and talk to. I've just enabled her too long, out of compassion, but she is now taking advantage of my kindness.

Thanks for the honest responses. I was worried if I was being too hard on her.

[hckynut]

On 12/21/2014 DARING GREATLY said:

A couple months ago, I came to the forum to ask advice about an elderly neighbor. You were all so kind and helpful. The issues with her are esculating.

My neighbor has had some issues with her health and she has 3 children that don't offer any assistance. Two of them live in town. She calls on me for company and I oblige by talking to her (some of her conversations go on for 45 min). I pick up her mail when she cannot go to the mailbox and have offered to pick something up at the store if she is in need. She really needs to be in assisted living, but her kids are blind to her issues and needs.

I have stepped back a lot after many of you advised me not to enable her and to set clear boundaries. I lost my job of 18 years a few weeks ago, so I'm not really in a position to help her as much now. I can talk on the phone, visit on occasion, but I have my own issues to deal with right now. I know she's lonely, but she has children who need to be there for her.

I dropped by a Christmas gift (a CD and some See's Candy) to her for the holidays. She kept me talking in her house for an hour before I told her I had to leave. She "expects" me to call her every day, if I don't, she calls me.

This morning it's taking a new turn...

I was eating breakfast this morning and the phone rang. I let it go to voice mail since I was eating. It was the neighbor. This is what her message said (in a very abrupt tone), "Hi... where are you? I wanted you to answer so you could come over right now. I have something to show you. Call me back and I want you to come over here."

It wasn't as if she had an emergency, she "wants to show me something." It's Sunday, my one day to relax and chill. I want to watch some football, read, do my wash, do some yard work, take a walk, and just not be bothered. I have no desire to go to her house at her command and interrupt my day. Now, she is starting to be demanding. Yesterday, she said she wanted me to come for X-mas dinner with her son, who is making chili. I told her I could not come. I won't, but she just assumes I need to be there.

I've been more than generous and helpful. I can live with talking to her on the phone now and then, but I draw the line at being summoned to her house in that manner. I was in my pajamas when she called, am I supposed to go over there like that? I think she's losing it, to be honest. She calls me not her kids and I have been there for her more than they have been.

I don't want to even call her back today. What do you think I should do? I was going to call and tell her I'm not feeling too well today... but, do I even have to do that? I don't appreciate her tone and her pushiness at this point. If she has something to show me, it can wait. I'm beginning to see maybe why her kids don't come around.

Thanks for any suggestions. I feel sorry for her, but she's taking advantage of me at this point. Why the heck should I feel obliged to come when she calls?

My standard reply for these issues is:"People can only take you as far as you allow them". What you do with that is up to you. I personally "tell it like it is" and if it hurts some feelings? So be it.

[ROMARY]

Knowing myself, I would just ignore many of her phone messages. Just continue on with your day, etc. Be pleasant, though. Just continue to be your nice self, but go ahead and do what you want to do, etc. If and when you see her outside, just smile and say that you've been very busy and can't visit right now, etc. The secret is to be very nice, not mean. Just 'shake it off', in a nice way. That way, you can't go wrong, no matter what. JMO

[Black Cat Back]

Thanks John...

I like your straightforward advice. It's a sad situation. It's usually the kids who never take care of their parents who miss them so much when they are gone and then suffer with regret. I don't have to feel that way as I was there for my parents through all their health issues.

Her demands are taking a toll on me. I want to be around positive things right now... and try to not have to relive the rigors of someone else's health issues and life issues. I know she's lonely, but so am I. One of our neighbors said in defense of her son, "He's single and shouldn't be bothered by this kind of thing." Well I'm single too... active and healthy, why is it ok for me to be inconvenienced and not her own child.

I'm a very sensitive person, so I feel a tinge of guilt for ignoring her today, but like you say, it will go on and on unless I stop it. I don't have to prove my friendship or caring any more. I've been there and have filled some of her lonely days with kindness and my valuable time.

Thanks for the response.

[Black Cat Back]

I was sitting outside reading and she left me another message. Now, she's wondering if I'm okay.... My luck she'll call 911 on me! But, that is also a ploy too for me to have to call her and let her know I'm okay.

This is what happens when someone is lonely and needs assistance and is left alone because family doesn't care. They don't want to deal with it. So she makes other people her business and thinks her neighbors are her family.

I'm going to go for a long walk now and hope she falls asleep or something.

OY!