Community Chat

[jaxs mom]

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@JeanLouiseFinch wrote:

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@Donovan wrote:

With the new laws about opening adoption records, I submitted my info and they found my birth mother in October.

She wants nothing to do with me - won't even fill out the general health information form so I can know what may be in store for future health concerns.

Says I will always be her little secret. I have a 1/2 sister and a niece (I only know this because one of her reasons for not wanting any contact is she couldn't let her granddaughter know)

My brother found his birth mom and she welcomed him with open arms.

I wish I had never even started the process - not knowing was better and less hurtful. 

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@donovan  You post touched me and I immediately felt sorry that you didn't get the desired outcome of your search.  I hope you grew up in a happy and supportive home.  I am not adopted, nor have we been adoptive parents so maybe my words don't hold much weight, but in spite of the sadness and hurt that came with your search, try to remember that you were a chosen child and that puts you in a special category.  Even some of us that have grown up with our birth parents don't always have the relationship we hope for.  

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It's really not the same when you know your parents, even if they are shmucks. You still know what they look like and what their heritage is and have a connection with people that you are related to by blood. I'm married to an adoptee and I have a sibling that was put up for adoption. There is hole in the family from that missing person. Even if you never knew they were missing. I didn't find out about my sibling until I was adult but when I did it explained so many things with my mom when I was growing up. And I won't even go into my husbands sense of profound loss. 

[Laura14]

@donovan  You are not her little secret.  You are your adoptive family's joy.  

I am not adopted but I have a biological parent who walked away very early on and doesn't acknowledge my existence or my two sisters.  And as you get older, the medical stuff gets more important but there's nothing you can do to get what you need.  Kind of puts the exclamation point on the type of persons these kinds of people are.    

There is no other hurt like this one and I too sometimes think it might be better just to not have ever met.  It is their loss but also an extremely painful one for us.  I know that you have a family who would probably  be devastated without your presence.  It's tough to accept but they really aren't worth our tears.  The ones that love us deserve our smiles instead.  We can just do the best we can in taking care of ourselves and appreciate those who appreciate us.   

My situation is completely different from yours but know that this stranger feels your pain just a tiny bit and is sending you hugs.  Sometimes bio 'parents' stink!  

[donovan]

Oh JLF -  I had wonderful parents and I lost them much too soon. I was loved every day of my life. I was very very lucky person to have been adopted by them.

I have never seen anyone who looks like me.  I grew up in a dark haired, dark eyed, easily tanned family - I have blonde hair, blue eyes and burn just by walking to the mailbox.

I thought we could have some sort of relationship - not mother/daughter but a friendship perhaps.

But it's okay - my mom raised a strong girl - I'll survive.

Thanks for the kind words.  I didn't mean to thread highjack, just wanted the OP to know it doesn't always turn out sunshine and roses so just be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.  

I wish her the best of luck in her search!

[Burnsite]

Closed adoptions were so cruel.  A lady I worked with had serious health problems (cardiac symptoms) whose treatment was elusive and difficult. 

After many years of searching (this was in the 1990s), she found her birth-mother, who (as in Donovan's case) refused to fill out health information or have anything to do with her.  Sadly, my colleague died of heart failure soon after.  She was the nicest person--sad to think her own family had no interest in her health or happiness.

[donovan]

Thanks Laura14!

[Puppy Lips]

My SIL was adopted.  She was able to contact her birth mother through facebook somehow -- at least I think that is how she did it.  Then my SIL showed up at her doorstep one day.  That was a few years ago.  Tthey have limited contact now because the mother did not want her other children to find out about my SIL.

My SIL says that when her birth mother passes, she is going to contact her half siblings and let them know of her existence.  Not sure how I feel about her doing that, since it goes against her birth mother's wishes and will change how her other kids feel about her.  Dr. Laura (whom I do not always agree with) used to say that the only reason adoptees contact their birth parents is because deep down they want to punish them.  

I have no personal experience with this, so I will stop talking/typing now.

[Noel7]

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@Donovan wrote:

Thanks Noel7.  Unfortunately there is no way for me to keep track of her or my 1/2 sister.  Since she says 'no contact' I am not allowed any information at all.

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@I'm so sorry @Donovan.

[donovan]

Wow.

[Poodlepet2]

Crystaltree, it is indeed possible: this is called "The Human Genome Project" and is ultimately being sponsored by National Geographic. Anybody can participate and those submitting DNA samples can chose how much information they want made public in their User Profiles, in rules and accordance to the service they chose. This is not a hoax by any means, but it is all voluntary.

Poodlepet2