DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do?

Poodlepet2 · ‎03-09-2010

I was adopted in a "closed" adoption meaning neither my adoptive parents or my biological parents were given any information except for minor generalities. I am now 55 years old and I have two adult children of my own. To get to the point, I always felt like there was a huge blank in my life. In my life, I've had a few medical issues and there has been a lot of concern and long sleepless nights because we didn't know my family history. I decided to get testing in hopes of finding something about my ancestry. Lo and behold, I do indeed have a slew of family out there that are participating and want to connect.....but I feel as if this is such a delicate situation. Back in 1960, a baby out of wedlock brought big shame on a family. It's possible that even my mother's closest relatives didn't know about her pregnancy.....but I could also have half-siblings out there. My question is, how on earth do I introduce myself? Do I just come out and say "I'm the secret relative you never knew you had?"????? Any ideas of how I should introduce myself would be appreciated. Thanks,

Poodlepet2

DoneTryin · ‎03-09-2010

I gave up a child in 1967. The laws on those sealed adoptions changed in my state in 2014 & my daughter was able to request her records & sought me out. Indeed, there are many emotional complications with the entire situation. Although I am still somewhat in a state of shock, I am very happy my daughter found me & that we can move forward in our relationship. My recommendation to you would be to first try to find your birth mother. Just check Google for adoptees in search & birth parents in search, if your birth state's records are still sealed. The reason I think you should find her first is because she may want to tell other family members in her own way.

I wish you all the best. I'd be interested in how it all works out for you.

eddyandme · ‎09-24-2011

I'd just come out and tell them. Life happens - give them time, leave the ball in their court. If they want to get in touch with you they will.

donovan · ‎03-10-2010

With the new laws about opening adoption records, I submitted my info and they found my birth mother in October.

She wants nothing to do with me - won't even fill out the general health information form so I can know what may be in store for future health concerns.

Says I will always be her little secret. I have a 1/2 sister and a niece (I only know this because one of her reasons for not wanting any contact is she couldn't let her granddaughter know)

My brother found his birth mom and she welcomed him with open arms.

I wish I had never even started the process - not knowing was better and less hurtful.

Noel7 · ‎03-09-2010

I agree that trying to locate your birth mother is the first step. She needs to know and find out privately before the others do.

If she wants no contact or has passed, I'd suggest choosing a possible sibling to begin with.

There must be social workers who specialize in this, perhaps one could advise you.

I wish you all the best of luck

Noel7 · ‎03-09-2010

@Donovan wrote:
With the new laws about opening adoption records, I submitted my info and they found my birth mother in October.

She wants nothing to do with me - won't even fill out the general health information form so I can know what may be in store for future health concerns.

Says I will always be her little secret. I have a 1/2 sister and a niece (I only know this because one of her reasons for not wanting any contact is she couldn't let her granddaughter know)

My brother found his birth mom and she welcomed him with open arms.

I wish I had never even started the process - not knowing was better and less hurtful.

**********************************

@donovan

I'm so sorry, that has got to be so painful for you. Consider the possibility of keeping track of your mother and contacting your half sister after your mother passes.

I wish you all the best, also.

jaxs mom · ‎04-18-2012

I'd start with the birth parent, at least that's how it worked in my family. I can't even imagine what would happen if you contacted siblings without your birth mother knowing first. On the other hand, maybe you know your birth mother is dead? Are you trying to contact other family members?

Don't Change Your Authenticity for Approval

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

Spoiler

I'm terribley confused. Where in the world, the real world, can you go to have genetic testing done and they give you a list of people who are related to you? I work in heallthcare and one of things my department does is obtain insurance authorization for genetic testing. This idea of this is your profile....and.....these are your relatives is preposterous. It's not even possible. So, I understand that you want to find your birth mother and because it was a closed adoption, that will only be possible if your state has a system in which the birth mother provides a letter stating that if/when the child wishes to find her, she would like a meeting. A few states have that but probably not back when you were placed for adoption. But you should devinitely investigate that possibility. In the fictictional scenario that you proposed, there would be only one way to fairly handle the situation. You would ask one of the "relatives" to act as intermediary. If your birth mother wanted to meet you, fine. But if she did NOT, then you would respect her privacy and her wishes. Also, the "relatives" would respect her privacy and refrain from developing a relationship with you. However, none of that can happen since there is no master genetic data base.

JeanLouiseFinch · ‎10-03-2011

@Donovan wrote:
With the new laws about opening adoption records, I submitted my info and they found my birth mother in October.

She wants nothing to do with me - won't even fill out the general health information form so I can know what may be in store for future health concerns.

Says I will always be her little secret. I have a 1/2 sister and a niece (I only know this because one of her reasons for not wanting any contact is she couldn't let her granddaughter know)

My brother found his birth mom and she welcomed him with open arms.

I wish I had never even started the process - not knowing was better and less hurtful.

@donovan Your post touched me and I immediately felt sorry that you didn't get the desired outcome from your search and locating your birth mother. I hope you grew up in a happy and supportive home. I am not adopted, nor have we been adoptive parents, so maybe my words don't hold much weight, but in spite of the sadness and hurt that came with your search, try to remember that you were a chosen child and that puts you in a special category. Even some of us that have grown up with our birth parents don't always have the relationship we hope for.

donovan · ‎03-10-2010

Thanks Noel7. Unfortunately there is no way for me to keep track of her or my 1/2 sister. Since she says 'no contact' I am not allowed any information at all.