DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do? - Page 3

patbz · ‎03-10-2010

Our family's issue wasn't adoption but rather a stolen child. DH had a prior marriage and a son, who was seven when we met. The ex stole him and subsequently we had a son when the son from prior marriage would have been 12. By the time our son was 10 and we still hadn't heard from #1(22 yrs old) we consulted a psychologist about how to tell #2 about #1. Good thing we did because #1 contacted us when he was 32 (#2 was 20). Everything ended well and both boys went from being only boys to having a brother.

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

I didn't realize that there's dna testing that lets you know 'there are a slew of people out there that want to connect'.

I feel badly for mothers for whatever reason, chose to put their newborn baby up for adoption and now that child(ren) can come to you.

The best case scenerio for OP and all adopted children would be to have updated (albeit private) health forms.

My grandfather was an only child and orphaned by age 6. So he knew of no health info. There was a hole I'm sure in his heart, but he never let on.

Noel7 · ‎03-09-2010

@Lucky Charm wrote:
I didn't realize that there's dna testing that lets you know 'there are a slew of people out there that want to connect'.

I feel badly for mothers for whatever reason, chose to put their newborn baby up for adoption and now that child(ren) can come to you.

The best case scenerio for OP and all adopted children would be to have updated (albeit private) health forms.

My grandfather was an only child and orphaned by age 6. So he knew of no health info. There was a hole I'm sure in his heart, but he never let on.

*******************************

@Lucky Charm

That's a really good idea, LC.

JustJazzmom · ‎03-09-2010

I really think that even with sealed or closed adoptions, medical history should be given to the adopted person, even if there is no further contact with the birth parent. I certainly would want to know.

☼The best place to seek God is in a garden. You can dig for him there. GBShaw☼

pigletsmom · ‎11-21-2011

As someone who's adopted I wouldn't touch this. I seem to be the only adoptee on the planet that has zero desire to look for blood relatives though.

You have no idea how you could be related to any of these people. Plus they could be on there just trying to do something fun to see who they are related to without any knowledge that something like this could happen. You could really open a huge can of worms here.

Glad this came up though so I know not to do any project like this. I think about being adopted so rarely that if I decided this might be fun to do I would have been shocked to have this outcome.

HappyDaze · ‎06-13-2012

@chrystaltree wrote:
Spoiler

I'm terribley confused. Where in the world, the real world, can you go to have genetic testing done and they give you a list of people who are related to you? I work in heallthcare and one of things my department does is obtain insurance authorization for genetic testing. This idea of this is your profile....and.....these are your relatives is preposterous. It's not even possible. So, I understand that you want to find your birth mother and because it was a closed adoption, that will only be possible if your state has a system in which the birth mother provides a letter stating that if/when the child wishes to find her, she would like a meeting. A few states have that but probably not back when you were placed for adoption. But you should devinitely investigate that possibility. In the fictictional scenario that you proposed, there would be only one way to fairly handle the situation. You would ask one of the "relatives" to act as intermediary. If your birth mother wanted to meet you, fine. But if she did NOT, then you would respect her privacy and her wishes. Also, the "relatives" would respect her privacy and refrain from developing a relationship with you. However, none of that can happen since there is no master genetic data base.

23andMe does this. Basically you do a dna test via swab and then others with similar dna who are part of the program and opt to be open to be contacted by others with similar DNA (i.e. related) will appear and people may or may not start contacting you. My husband had this done but the closest relative he has listed so far is a third cousin or something like that. A few people have reached out to him but they are not closely related and he hasn't responded.

Deanie · ‎03-09-2010

@151949 wrote:
I don't understand why someone feels they have to drag up a person's oldest and most painful history to put out there to the entire world. To not only open wounds for the person but possibly make new wounds with their loved ones. What does this achieve? Someone wanted a child badly and adopted you. Why can't their love be enough?
A girl I was friends with in HS got pregnant and put the child up for adoption. After college she married a minister. About 25 years later the kid shows up at the door while the entire vestry was in the living room, and announces who she is. To say it was seriously bad timing is putting it very mildly. And yes, her deepest oldest secret was now public knowledge throughout the entire diocese. Her husband did know so that was good, if he hadn't known -- can you imagine how that may have turned out? As it was she has 2 sons who were teens at that time and it was extremely difficult for them - with everyone knowing and all.Some things are best left alone.

Similar situation happened to a very dear friend of mine who lost her husband after the child showed up on her doorstep. I have serious issues regarding the so called laws that exist in this country regarding the indiscriminate way that they can change to whichever way the political winds blow. Unfortunately, for all concerned the needs of the adopted outweigh the privacy of the individual that gave birth, even though there was promised anonymity. And, did you ever notice it is the peculiar drive for the adopted individual to find the Mother? Never the Father. The Father remains relatively unknown. What it may result in is one may never be truthful to a medical professional, or institution. Will this, for instance, if one informs a MP of a problem, can this at some point be used against you? Alas ,if one has engaged in the consumption of adult beverages and now needs a kidney transplant. I bring this up because of how quickly the ill winds of change and chance can change. One never knows when the political winds will blow the opposite way, do one?

missy1 · ‎03-10-2010

@HappyDaze wrote:
@chrystaltree wrote:
Spoiler

I'm terribley confused. Where in the world, the real world, can you go to have genetic testing done and they give you a list of people who are related to you? I work in heallthcare and one of things my department does is obtain insurance authorization for genetic testing. This idea of this is your profile....and.....these are your relatives is preposterous. It's not even possible. So, I understand that you want to find your birth mother and because it was a closed adoption, that will only be possible if your state has a system in which the birth mother provides a letter stating that if/when the child wishes to find her, she would like a meeting. A few states have that but probably not back when you were placed for adoption. But you should devinitely investigate that possibility. In the fictictional scenario that you proposed, there would be only one way to fairly handle the situation. You would ask one of the "relatives" to act as intermediary. If your birth mother wanted to meet you, fine. But if she did NOT, then you would respect her privacy and her wishes. Also, the "relatives" would respect her privacy and refrain from developing a relationship with you. However, none of that can happen since there is no master genetic data base.

23andMe does this. Basically you do a dna test via swab and then others with similar dna who are part of the program and opt to be open to be contacted by others with similar DNA (i.e. related) will appear and people may or may not start contacting you. My husband had this done but the closest relative he has listed so far is a third cousin or something like that. A few people have reached out to him but they are not closely related and he hasn't responded.

I can't believe all the people willingly give up their dna.

donovan · ‎03-10-2010

@HappyDaze wrote:
@chrystaltree wrote:
Spoiler

I'm terribley confused. Where in the world, the real world, can you go to have genetic testing done and they give you a list of people who are related to you? I work in heallthcare and one of things my department does is obtain insurance authorization for genetic testing. This idea of this is your profile....and.....these are your relatives is preposterous. It's not even possible. So, I understand that you want to find your birth mother and because it was a closed adoption, that will only be possible if your state has a system in which the birth mother provides a letter stating that if/when the child wishes to find her, she would like a meeting. A few states have that but probably not back when you were placed for adoption. But you should devinitely investigate that possibility. In the fictictional scenario that you proposed, there would be only one way to fairly handle the situation. You would ask one of the "relatives" to act as intermediary. If your birth mother wanted to meet you, fine. But if she did NOT, then you would respect her privacy and her wishes. Also, the "relatives" would respect her privacy and refrain from developing a relationship with you. However, none of that can happen since there is no master genetic data base.

23andMe does this. Basically you do a dna test via swab and then others with similar dna who are part of the program and opt to be open to be contacted by others with similar DNA (i.e. related) will appear and people may or may not start contacting you. My husband had this done but the closest relative he has listed so far is a third cousin or something like that. A few people have reached out to him but they are not closely related and he hasn't responded.

So it sounds like if you are part of the program and 'opt in' to being contacted that it wouldn't be as big a surprise.

In that case Poodlepet, why not just send a letter to one of them and explain your relationship to them. Sounds like it wouldn't be that much of a shock.

Good Luck!