DNA testing and adoptees: what would you do? - Page 7

goldensrbest · ‎03-10-2010

@2cockers1cat wrote:
It's possible to learn about family through the Ancestry DNA testing service. I submitted a sample in August, 2015. You get the ethnic breakdown often seen in their ads, as well as information on people in their system with the same DNA. Through their testing, I confirmed most of the information we have collected over several years and eliminated a few errors.
I was hoping to find a group of people to whom I was related that might help us discover more about great-grandmother Lillie's parentage. For me, it worked. The test confirmed we had correctly identified her father and his legitimate children. I share many DNA markers specific to his known descendants who have samples at Ancestry. I have no sharing with his wife's ancestors or close relatives. They do not come up in my results. But, I do share DNA with a family group, not in my tree, that may be the clue to her mother's history.
In the DNA area, there is a section called Circles, that identifies people that share identical DNA at the same locations on their chromosomes. My results put me in 10 Circles. Three of them have 25 or more related people. One has only 4 connections. Ancestry provides an estimation how close the relationship may be based on the analysis. If the administrator of a tree chooses the public option, you can look at their history.

This is very interesting, may i ask what the cost is?

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.

missy1 · ‎03-10-2010

Did the father's have any say back then, or were they even told?

2cockers1cat · ‎03-09-2010

@goldensrbest,

With shipping, the test runs about $109. I bought when it was 20% off, plus I went through the BeFrugal rebate site, and used a free shipping coupon.

My base of related people continues to grow. There was a new 4-6th cousin match today, 33.5 centimorgans across 3 segments.

PS, Yes, goldens are wonderful pets. If we had a bigger yard, they would me my choice, too.

Silver Lining · ‎04-16-2010

@pigletsmom wrote:
As someone who's adopted I wouldn't touch this. I seem to be the only adoptee on the planet that has zero desire to look for blood relatives though.

You have no idea how you could be related to any of these people. Plus they could be on there just trying to do something fun to see who they are related to without any knowledge that something like this could happen. You could really open a huge can of worms here.

Glad this came up though so I know not to do any project like this. I think about being adopted so rarely that if I decided this might be fun to do I would have been shocked to have this outcome.

Hi @pigletsmom. I totally understand and agree with what you're saying. And, no, you are not alone in having zero desire to locate your biological relatives. I have several friends and aquaintances who do not want to know about, communicate with or meet their birth mother, father, etc. They have a variety of reasons and not necessarily because they're angry at their birth parents. It's much more common than people realize.

In some states adoptees over age eighteen can obtain their original birth certificate revealing their mother's name when she gave birth and the name of the man that the mother listed (optional) as the father. What's hard to believe or accept by some people (some on this thread) is that some adoptees and many birth mothers don't want to be found.

pigletsmom · ‎11-21-2011

@Silver Lining wrote:
@pigletsmom wrote:
As someone who's adopted I wouldn't touch this. I seem to be the only adoptee on the planet that has zero desire to look for blood relatives though.

You have no idea how you could be related to any of these people. Plus they could be on there just trying to do something fun to see who they are related to without any knowledge that something like this could happen. You could really open a huge can of worms here.

Glad this came up though so I know not to do any project like this. I think about being adopted so rarely that if I decided this might be fun to do I would have been shocked to have this outcome.

Hi @pigletsmom. I totally understand and agree with what you're saying. And, no, you are not alone in having zero desire to locate your biological relatives. I have several friends and aquaintances who do not want to know about, communicate with or meet their birth mother, father, etc. They have a variety of reasons and not necessarily because they're angry at their birth parents. It's much more common than people realize.

In some states adoptees over age eighteen can obtain their original birth certificate revealing their mother's name when she gave birth and the name of the man that the mother listed (optional) as the father. What's hard to believe or accept by some people (some on this thread) is that some adoptees and many birth mothers don't want to be found.

@Silver Lining I guess I understand people looking. I just get a little frustrated whenever I read an article on the subject and it always says all adoptees feel the need to "find out who they are". I have NEVER thought about this, and I wouldn't want my life upended by someone finding me.

I actually think so little about it that my doctor had to correct me last time I was there. She asked about cancer history and I was about to just say no, because in my family there isn't a history of it, and I as I was saying it she stopped me and said forget that since you're adopted. I just looked at her like oh yeah forgot about that!

I do undertand people wanting health history but I just figure something is going to get me at some point and it's not something I generally worry about. I mean my doctor has been trying for years to get me to go for a mammo and can't be bothered. At 47 I'm currently using the excuse that the government says I can wait until 50. She's not impressed

Silver Lining · ‎04-16-2010

@Mominohio wrote:
@Burnsite wrote:
Closed adoptions were so cruel. A lady I worked with had serious health problems (cardiac symptoms) whose treatment was elusive and difficult.

After many years of searching (this was in the 1990s), she found her birth-mother, who (as in Donovan's case) refused to fill out health information or have anything to do with her. Sadly, my colleague died of heart failure soon after. She was the nicest person--sad to think her own family had no interest in her health or happiness.

I see closed adoptions differently than many. I will have to first admit, I'm not adopted nor did I give up a child for adoption, so can't say 'I understand how it all feels'.

But feelings aren't all that are involved. There are many people in this world who knew at least one of their parents, but the family was dysfunctional enough that they haven't any better idea about their 'health' history than someone from a closed adoption. My mom is one of those.

It is what it is. It is nice to know a health history, but treatments are rendered, tests administered every day to people without the advantage of knowing what their genetic past held. And how many times do we hear that a family history of such and such warrants one watching for that condition/disease, but in reality, more people without a family history are diagnosed with many conditions, than those with said disease/condition in their family histories.

And women gave their children up for adoption, for many reasons, during times when it was so shameful and life destroying for many to not do so. Life was different back then, and to change things after they were promised that their privacy wouldn't be violated is just wrong.

I'm all for establishing a system (which I'm sure has been done) for people who gave up and were given up to register, and if the match is made, both consenting parties then connect, but to just unseal records that were promised not to be, is a real violation of the mother who may now have her life severely disrupted, decades later.

Anyone beginning the search, should only do it if they are willing to accept the most devastating information or denials. It is definitely something one shouldn't go into assuming it will end well, like the TV shows portray.

For those who feel the emptiness, or the missing pieces, I'm sorry that you do, but if it helps any at all, there are many that know, and were raised, by their birth parents who don't have any more emotional fulfilment than you do, who's childhood and raising were so lacking (or even horrible), they wish they'd been adopted.

Sometimes I think we focus on and wish for things that just aren't meant to be for us, and we should spend more time on creating families/relationships/lives that we do have some control over, and at some time, let the other stuff go.

@Mominohio, thank you for this outstanding post! Your thoughts on the subject touch on so many aspects of adoption. I agree with what you said about health and medical information from birth parent(s). Also, those searching for birth parents or other relatives need to know that the actual facts can be disappointing and sometimes devastating.

Having worked in adoptions I have had cases in which rape was involved, and cases in which babies/toddlers where severe physical abuse and/or neglect eventually resulted in termination of parental rights. Also, babies resulting from incest are not as rare as one might think. In other situations, some infants were/are given up by single mothers because the father was/is married.

I had one case where I found the birth mother and she was so angry she threatened to sue the state, the agency, etc. That case was traumatic for all concerned. I feel bad for the woman because now she is terrified she will be found and for this forty-something adult adoptee who has been rejected.

milkbone · ‎10-22-2015

Many years ago my dad walked out on my mother, I was 5 at the time. At every school event, I would see other kids with mothers and fathers...there was a hole.

BUT...my Mom did everything she could !!!

Dad just leaves...NO sign of him EVER.

Mom had to declare him legally dead to move on with her life. He was NOT seen for seven years.

Fast forward......my Mom is 68 or so. Mom gets a letter from Social Security. Dad(sperm donor dies)

Mom...."what should I do?

SISTER...."GET THE MONEY"

Me:....."Mom....he is GONE, BEEN gone"..."What if he has a NEW family?

I told them both......no thanks

I know the whole of being different "sperm donor gone"

YET...the most brave person I ever met, was my MOM......she never quit !!!

Good luck with your choice.

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." MLK