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Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,892
Registered: ‎07-03-2013

If you are unhappy, perhaps so is he.  What would happen if he said tomorrow I want a divorce?  You would be in the same situation.  If you have no interest in joint counseling, then look into counseling for yourself.  Don't settle.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 39,574
Registered: ‎08-23-2010

@dogsx3 wrote:

Would you rather stay in an unhappy relationship because you are scared to be on your own financially  and 60ish.....or take a chance to maybe find happiness on your own. 


 

 

@dogsx3 

 

NOTHING in single life is as bad as a bad marriage.  Besides, any fear will be temporary.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,322
Registered: ‎02-22-2015

Re: quick question ....

[ Edited ]

@dogsx3  Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you ask this question about a year ago? It all sounds so familiar. 

Have things become worse in the last year? Both times, you've mentioned staying for the children. How old are your children now? It would seem if the marriage wasn't a happy one, you would have had plans to leave years ago. Or, has something changed in recent years? If so, could his health be the problem? Are you willing to care for him as he ages or not? Have you tried counseling? It would be a good start. There are so many questions only you are able to answer honestly. 

 

Apparently, you and your husband have talked of divorce and he's not anxious about the prospect; thus, his negative comments about Alimony. You do know the Courts will make that decision based upon his income, the net worth of your marriage. 

 

Please see an attorney for advice on all your questions (it's free for the first visit). Take all financial (provide listings of total net worth; listings of debts) and property information with you. (All  property owned; any mortgages due.) He/she may be able to direct you to other professionals for additional help, if necessary.

 

Think your options over very carefully and thoroughly.  

 

ETA: Wishing you a chance at peace either in your marriage or in a new chapter of your life. You will find it within yourself.

Money screams; wealth whispers.
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,350
Registered: ‎02-05-2011

Re: quick question ....

[ Edited ]

Birkilady, yes you are right, and many things have happened in the past few years. I lost my mom, my best friend and love  , my dog last year,  flood in house, and husband recent triple bypass. I am starting to see a counseler, and have sought advice from a lawyer and am putting home on market in next few months. He has changed a lot, and is also wanting a change in his life. I do have medical issues, and other dogs to consider , so i have put things off over past few years. But it is looking like a change is coming, thanks.

 

Just feeling overwhelmed and lost, trying to hold myself together and be strong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,823
Registered: ‎11-06-2013

Re: quick question ....

[ Edited ]

Just prayed for your strength and peace, which ever road you choose, @dogsx3. Or he chooses. Of those I know personally, it's ususally the husband who opts for divorce later in life. (If not during their midlife crisis.) that's but one reason why so many women have long chose to have separate bank accounts. A little shelter, just in case it’s needed.

 

It's very good that you are seeking professional counseling and legal advice. Is your medical coverage tied to his workplace health plan? That is something to seriously consider for our age group, as well as money enough to live in a safe area. A retirement community might be a wise decision, with many activities and a chance to meet new friends. I was thinking you may both be more satisfied together in one, without all the stress of keeping up with house and lawn maintenance. Only you two know, and if he would agree to marriage counseling. That would prove some commitment on his part, if it is worth it to you to keep trying. 

 

If you're living with abuse and fear he could harm you ... you must find a way out. No two ways about that. Even if downgrading your lifestyle. My best wishes to you. 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,322
Registered: ‎02-22-2015

Re: quick question ....

[ Edited ]

@dogsx3  Thought this was the same old story.

 

Has your husband recovered from his triple by-pass? It would be difficult to leave him (morally) unless his health allows him to live alone. He supported you for all these years; now it is your turn to help him. Isn't that what a real marriage is?

 

Following heart surgery (or any surgery), patients often experience depression. Please be gentle and understanding with him as he faces his own serious health problems and limitations. It doesn't sound like now is the time to leave when the going gets rough.

 

You admitted to staying "for the children." If you were truly a strong woman who was unhappy, you would have left that marriage years ago for the children. Instead you used the children as an excuse to stay. No one wins in an unhappy household. The children were well aware of the tension. A strong woman would have raised them alone in a peaceful home. 

 

You can run, but you cannot hide from your own problems. Keep seeing the counselor! Work on your problems. Make sure you have been fair in the marriage and done everything possible before uprooting two lives forever. It takes two to make (or break) a marriage.

 

It would be interesting to hear your husband's side of the story. And your children's perspective of living in that household. Sounds uncomfortable for everyone.   

Peace comes from within. You must find inner peace before you are able to do anything else.

 

Cannot imagine such turmoil. Keep working on yourself. Would probably be a good idea to include the entire family in therapy; everyone living in such a disfunctional home needs to heal and form healthy relationships for their future lives, as well. 

Money screams; wealth whispers.
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,350
Registered: ‎02-05-2011

Honored Contributor
Posts: 23,835
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@dogsx3 wrote:

Birkilady, yes you are right, and many things have happened in the past few years. I lost my mom, my best friend and love  , my dog last year,  flood in house, and husband recent triple bypass. I am starting to see a counseler, and have sought advice from a lawyer and am putting home on market in next few months. He has changed a lot, and is also wanting a change in his life. I do have medical issues, and other dogs to consider , so i have put things off over past few years. But it is looking like a change is coming, thanks.

 

Just feeling overwhelmed and lost, trying to hold myself together and be strong.

 

 

 

 

@dogsx3   ((Hugs)). You have been through a lot recently. Just do not make any rash decisions to leave him without  MUCH thought.

 

 Back years ago when DH and I were married just 7  years, I was terribly unhappy....wanted to do more... felt lonely...un loved...so I moved out into my own apartment in town.  Just left him.  We separated. 

 

It was a few few months  later, I realized how much I REALLY loved him. He got a job offer in Seattle and was going to be moving. It was at that time I knew I really could not be apart totally the thought of him far far away .... I moved back home... we worked things out....we did move to Seattle.

 

 My life lesson was... it is NOT greener on the other side of the fence...that is what I learned being apart from him those months.  Life is just a lot of lessons....some difficult some easy.  Relationships change over years and years. Who you are when you marry is not that person 40 years later. You both have to work on things and TALK. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,350
Registered: ‎02-05-2011

Re: quick question ....

[ Edited ]

@BirkiLady wrote:

@dogsx3  Thought this was the same old story.

 

Has your husband recovered from his triple by-pass? It would be difficult to leave him (morally) unless his health allows him to live alone. He supported you for all these years; now it is your turn to help him. Isn't that what a real marriage is?

 

Following heart surgery (or any surgery), patients often experience depression. Please be gentle and understanding with him as he faces his own serious health problems and limitations. It doesn't sound like now is the time to leave when the going gets rough.

 

You admitted to staying "for the children." If you were truly a strong woman who was unhappy, you would have left that marriage years ago for the children. Instead you used the children as an excuse to stay. No one wins in an unhappy household. The children were well aware of the tension. A strong woman would have raised them alone in a peaceful home. 

 

You can run, but you cannot hide from your own problems. Keep seeing the counselor! Work on your problems. Make sure you have been fair in the marriage and done everything possible before uprooting two lives forever. It takes two to make (or break) a marriage.

 

It would be interesting to hear your husband's side of the story. And your children's perspective of living in that household. Sounds uncomfortable for everyone.   

Peace comes from within. You must find inner peace before you are able to do anything else. 


Yes i agree on what you say, i am sure it was hard on the kids. I did not have much choice back then, money was always an issue. Yes he is recovered and back to work. MY kids did turn out very well, one due to graduate from grad school next year, the other 2 grads with masters and doing well. I kept the peace as best that i could. As for my husbands side, hmm, not sure what he would say, he is doing great, spends time with all his frends and family, and recently told me he is  talking to an old girl from his high school, but being married is an issue for her. So...  

I also feel a lot of guilt for anything staying, but you are right, i was not strong enough to get out.

 

 

I just want to add after much thought about using my kids an an excuse to stay...I am not sure i did that. I wanted my kids to have what i didn't have growing up. My dad died when i was very young, never knew him, my mon worked all her life, was not home much. I was alone a lot and very shy. I wanted to be there for my kids  all i could. If you asked my husband i know he would say, i was a good mom. I really did give it my all raising them. I pushed education, hired tutors for them, museums, sports, i was there. But i do see your point, and trust me, i do feel guilt on that issue.

 

 

 

 

 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,350
Registered: ‎02-05-2011

Thanks for all you comments and thoughts. It is really interesting to hear all your thoughts, and i do thank you for all responding. I was not strong and i was a weak person. I am learning a lot about myself and hope to learn more. I am also to blame i am sure. But i can say, i do not like who he has become as a person,for  may reasons. So i wanted to hear other womens opinions. Thank you all for that.