Among Friends

[RedTop]

@Lostandscared,

Something about your post is bringing back memories of the horrible situation between my husbands aunt and uncle.   

They had been married MANY years when he retired and things changed.  He had always worked away and spent less than 48 hours at home a week.   They had to adjust to being home together 24/7, and that didn’t go well.  He was always hateful and rude, but that got worse; everyone thought that was his normal self, because he was such an @$$.  My husbands aunt just gave him his space, and stayed out of his way; she couldn’t do anything to please him.  

If supper didn’t please him, he dumped it on the floor.  They had separate bedrooms and she would wake up to see him standing at her bedside with a pistol pointed at her.   She came home from an outing one day to see her clothes thrown on the front yard; he was on the porch and actually fired shots at her when she was trying to get her clothes.   She left after that incident.

They divorced; she got half of everything.   Shortly after the divorce, he got sick enough to be admitted to the hospital for a lengthy stay, and was diagnosed with end stage Alzheimer’s.   He died less than 2 weeks after the diagnosis.   Aunt wound up with property, money, everything.

Alzheimers ran in his family; his mother and all of his siblings died with it, but no one picked up on that possibility with his attitude and behaviors.   If your situation involves a change in spousal behavior, please look into a possible health connection.

[jannabelle1]

Regarding the "secret bank account" issue that's been brought up......I believe that each spouse should have separate checking accounts - joint in ownership if you want, but an account for each spouse. Going through a divorce, I was so glad I had my checking account and he had his. We had always divided up the bills and always knew what the other took care of. I was able to accumulate funds in my account, and he was able to do the same. I needed the money I had accumulated and had absolutely no intention of giving half to him.

My mother opened a "secret" account during my childhood. She had a full time job - my dad had some problems, and she wanted to make sure that she had money available to her "just in case" as she used to say. My parents worked things out, but she always kept an account for herself....I will always do the same. I don't keep a secret account from my husband now (2nd marriage), but we each have our own checking accounts, even though we share taking care of any bills we have.

Whether it's a checking account, savings account, or cash somewhere in the house....I would encourage every woman to have her own stash of cash. JMO learned through experience and some tough times.

[1Snickers]

 @Nightowlz   I would talk to the bank about it and if they wouldn’t fix it , your husband could  help. I would withdraw it and put it elsewhere!

[libbyannE]

Only you can answer that for yourself. Some people wd be so lost and miserable on their own that they wd rather stay in an unhappy relationship. Others wd never put up with a bad relationship. Only you know yourself and your financial and personal resources well enough to know what suits you best.

[1Snickers]

@Lostandscared  Your situation sounds similar to the way mine was. My husband liked to be in control.

  When we married we lived on my salary and saved his. He would complain that I used too much hair spray,etc.         When our son was born I was a housewife and Mom and never worked until my son was in high school. 

  I got my own credit card and checking account. 

   As he got older he was meaner and picked arguments. 

 He was loosing control because I had two jobs. Then my parents left a trust fund and money can mean power and control.  (I never used it that way).

  He was older then, had health problems, afraid I would leave and became nicer. I stayed because I loved him. 

   He passed away 15 years ago and it’s peaceful. 

[pigletsmom]

I would at the least get an idea of what your house is worth. If you want to leave then I would tell him that you guys have to sell the house or he has to buy you out. So right there you'd have an idea of some money.

I know he said he's only do what he's told to do but he should probably realize that most likely means half of whatever has been earned during this marriage. Make sure you don't get suckered.

[KathyM23]

 I must disagree that putting aside money of your own is "depressing", but to me is smart thinking.  You never know what life is going to bring to you.  Too many women go along blissfully living what they think is a good life, only to find the bottom drops out.   Without having money you can instantly access leaves you in a very precarious position.  Those of us who are fortunate enough not to have been in this position are blessed.

Putting aside a little at a time will eventually add up without burdening the family and you can think of it as an investment in the future (either yours if life takes the unexpected turn) or if you and your spouse are fortunate enough to make it to your senior years together, you can use the "saved" money for a more comfortable retirement. 

In addition to having access to your own funds, a woman must have a hand in the finances of the family and not be left in the dark if the unthinkable occurs.

[KathyM23]

 I must disagree that putting aside money of your own is "depressing", but to me is smart thinking.  You never know what life is going to bring to you.  Too many women go along blissfully living what they think is a good life, only to find the bottom drops out.   Without having money you can instantly access leaves you in a very precarious position.  Those who are fortunate enough not to have been in this position are blessed.

Putting aside a little at a time will eventually add up without burdening the family and you can think of it as an investment in the future (either yours if life takes the unexpected turn) or if you and your spouse are fortunate enough to make it to your senior years together, you can use the "saved" money for a more comfortable retirement. 

In addition to having access to your own funds, a woman must have a hand in the finances of the family and not be left in the dark if the unthinkable occurs.

[NAES1]

@SurferWife , 

      I had been out,

 ... and came back after my post, in reguards to me, in answering that question, then read further.

        I appreciated what your thoughts were and I value what was in your attempt.

   I have many times told you how much I respect your signature to your name so very much. Your friendship shines like a bright little star, along with your day to day mindset of life.

   Since I am not on much, I do miss many topics. 

Something as read makes me wonder of different people, both men and women. I suppose in a few words I would love to have all of my closer friends here and there to be  with a wealth of peacefulness through life's journey.

   I did not grow up knowing, learning of unhealthy... and truly I can understand what emotional struggles are becoming through many walks of life.

   As I mentioned two days ago, have a wonderful weekend.

                    Thank you for being here. 

   I have mentioned when in a dilemma, please seek out a real live person that can walk one through.

As one poster said: we do not know the entire story.

 My heart aches for many people that has that special  what is always in your heart.  Enjoy the beauty of the islands.

I know we certainly do when there. I hope to see you sometime in the near future. 

    Thank you, NAES

Thank you @PamfromCT  and @dooBdoo  ~~

[RoughDraft]

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@Lostandscared wrote:

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@Snowpuppy wrote:

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@Lostandscared wrote:

Would you rather stay in an unhappy relationship because you are scared to be on your own financially  and 60ish.....or take a chance to maybe find happiness on your own. 

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Have you ever been on your own?

I've known women who have returned to work at this age even if part time whether they have a partner or not.

Have you worked out a budget and looked at your options for living arrangements?

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No never been on my own, cant figure out budget until i know what i can expect to receive...looking at living options and rent kind of hard to figure out until i know what to expect. He has said ...he will do only what he has been told to do... if divorce.

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While everyone here is discussing having a secret bank account, it's clear to see that the OP hasn't or wasn't able to do that during her marriage.  She's never lived independently and has not sought out assistance from anyone who might be able to advise or counsel her on whether she's able to make it on her own. So it might be extremely difficult after (possibly) more than 20+ years, with no work exprience to make such a break.

Of course if they share sizeable savings and real estate, she might get half in a divorce settlement, but no one can be sure.