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[TootyJane]

On 2/19/2014 lilypadfrog said: Nantucket, all of this advice is worthwhile. I am a social worker with 40 years experience in nursing homes, hospice, community care and now as a case manager for a major insurance company. There are assisted living places where she would have her own apartment and have nursing or attendant care help as she needs it. They have activities to occupy her mind and so she can socialize. Living alone in her home doesn't sound like she would have these things. There are many different kinds of assisted living places out there so don't write them off before you visit a few. If she owns her own home, she may have to "spend down" before she could qualify for medicaid. Hospital discharge planners and their social workers will typically help with the basic information to ensure a safe discharge so there is no liability from the state health dept for an unsafe discharge. If you have Aging Agency, please do meet with them. They can help with much of this information, including some help for caregivers. Did you ever consider having a nursing student live in with your Mother to help her in exchange for free rent? That might be a win-win situation for both of them. It would help the student and give your Mother some care /socialization. If you are unsure about this, just remember that just because a caregiver comes from an agency doesn't mean they don't have the potential to steal or abuse. That can come from anyone so you should monitor anyone coming into the home. Maybe adult day care at a senior center could help since they can help with meds and daily cares. Much for you to consider so don't rush into anything. Sorry this is so long. Good luck.

Lilypadfrog - this is EXCELLENT advice!

[Just Bling]

Meeting over, recommending 24/7 assistance.

Plate is full, thanks for the well wishes, need to make some decisions.

[dfyre]

Both my late MIL and my dad were in assisted living residences - they were wonderful! My MIL was nearby, so we were there frequently. The room was HUGE and even had a small kitchenette if she wanted to do light cooking (she didn't - didn't cook before that either though). They served three very nice meals a day (we sometimes went to have lunch or dinner with her for a small fee and I can attest that the food was good) plus a room where cookies and ice cream were always available if anyone wanted a snack. They had bingo games, periodic entertainment, bus trips to shopping areas and Atlantic City casinos, all kinds of social events which I think is important for older people. Residents were permitted to keep cars if they wanted and also have small pets (her neighbor across the hall had two cats) if they could care for them. In fact, my friend's cousin had the room next door - didn't really NEED to be there but just didn't want the hassle of living on her own and could afford it. I'd move there happily when the time comes.

[Nuttmeg]

On 2/19/2014 nantucket shore said:

Assisted living from what I understand and researched are basically apartments with common area's and based upon your needs is what you pay for.

She can stay in her own house and I can bring in help a lot less expensive than the $4,000-$12,000 a month that's in our area. The care center she's getting rehab charges in excess of $10,000 a month for the residents. A full nursing staff is on board so really that's where the expense is.

(I'm certainly in the wrong business but there's a lot of sick people where my mom is now and it's truly sad what I have witnessed)

I do hope you find a kind person to care for your mother.

[Just Bling]

On 2/20/2014 nutmeg3 said:

On 2/19/2014 nantucket shore said:

Assisted living from what I understand and researched are basically apartments with common area's and based upon your needs is what you pay for.

She can stay in her own house and I can bring in help a lot less expensive than the $4,000-$12,000 a month that's in our area. The care center she's getting rehab charges in excess of $10,000 a month for the residents. A full nursing staff is on board so really that's where the expense is.

(I'm certainly in the wrong business but there's a lot of sick people where my mom is now and it's truly sad what I have witnessed)

I do hope you find a kind person to care for your mother.

That means

A LOT

to me, so thank you very much.

[goodstuff]

I'd strongly recommend that you open your mind to the possibility of residential assisted living for your mom. After various struggles and trials, we've gone that route with my mom (who died from Alzheimer's last year) and DH's mom, now 96. We tried in-home care and agency aides with my Mom.......and nearly lost our minds. Extremely expensive and a constant barrage of details and crises to manage. I can't tell you how wonderful our experiences with AL have been. You need to research and see what is available in your area and be sure you look at quality situations -- but a good AL can be a Godsend for both you and your mom. For her, there's 24/7 trained care, good meals, social opportunities, activities, transportation, and outings. For you, there's the peace of knowing that she has 24/7 care and the ability to be involved in her care, spend time with her, coordinate with the staff..........and also maintain your own life, family, activities, and health. Some people overlook the potential isolation, depression, need for special equipment, and the unrelenting responsibility for family caregivers. Difficult and not always best. There are AL situations ranging from big, plush, expensive resort-like facilities to small, independent, more affordable personal care homes. There are good and not-so-good in all categories. Shop around, get guidance and reviews.........and I urge you not to rule out this option. Truly, it can be best for all concerned.

Some jurisdictions offer financial aid for low-income seniors. You local senior resource center or an agency like A Place for Mom can help you seek out some options.

[Just Bling]

On 2/21/2014 GoodStuff said:

I'd strongly recommend that you open your mind to the possibility of residential assisted living for your mom. After various struggles and trials, we've gone that route with my mom (who died from Alzheimer's last year) and DH's mom, now 96. We tried in-home care and agency aides with my Mom.......and nearly lost our minds. Extremely expensive and a constant barrage of details and crises to manage. I can't tell you how wonderful our experiences with AL have been. You need to research and see what is available in your area and be sure you look at quality situations -- but a good AL can be a Godsend for both you and your mom. For her, there's 24/7 trained care, good meals, social opportunities, activities, transportation, and outings. For you, there's the peace of knowing that she has 24/7 care and the ability to be involved in her care, spend time with her, coordinate with the staff..........and also maintain your own life, family, activities, and health. Some people overlook the potential isolation, depression, need for special equipment, and the unrelenting responsibility for family caregivers. Difficult and not always best. There are AL situations ranging from big, plush, expensive resort-like facilities to small, independent, more affordable personal care homes. There are good and not-so-good in all categories. Shop around, get guidance and reviews.........and I urge you not to rule out this option. Truly, it can be best for all concerned.

Some jurisdictions offer financial aid for low-income seniors. You local senior resource center or an agency like A Place for Mom can help you seek out some options.

Thank you.

My mom is not a low income senior, she can afford it but right now we'll take her home and see how that goes.

I'm going to hire a painter and redo the ceiling and walls and freshen her area up, the house is 2 story but of course she sticks to 4 basic rooms on the 1st floor.

She's complaining about the food where she's at, seriously, years ago when she was at the same place the food was actually good, now it's sub par at the best. I was told they cook everything themselves but everyone knows how that goes, cooks get burned out and maybe the budget has changed and so does the attitude. There's only about 100 residents where she is at so it's not like cooking for a 1,000 or more but it is what it is.

We need to put some weight on her and hopefully in the home environment and my cooking, we'll see what we can do.

I realize that nothing is forever and there might be a time that I say, enough is enough and maybe you'll be happier with others. Yes she is going to miss pushing the button, and yes she is going to miss the interaction so maybe it will happen sooner than later. Time will tell.

[betteb]

On 2/21/2014 nantucket shore said:

On 2/21/2014 GoodStuff said:

I'd strongly recommend that you open your mind to the possibility of residential assisted living for your mom. After various struggles and trials, we've gone that route with my mom (who died from Alzheimer's last year) and DH's mom, now 96. We tried in-home care and agency aides with my Mom.......and nearly lost our minds. Extremely expensive and a constant barrage of details and crises to manage. I can't tell you how wonderful our experiences with AL have been. You need to research and see what is available in your area and be sure you look at <em>quality</em> situations -- but a good AL can be a Godsend for both you and your mom. For her, there's 24/7 trained care, good meals, social opportunities, activities, transportation, and outings. For you, there's the peace of knowing that she has 24/7 care and the ability to be involved in her care, spend time with her, coordinate with the staff..........and also maintain your own life, family, activities, and health. Some people overlook the potential isolation, depression, need for special equipment, and the unrelenting responsibility for family caregivers. Difficult and not always best. There are AL situations ranging from big, plush, expensive resort-like facilities to small, independent, more affordable personal care homes. There are good and not-so-good in all categories. Shop around, get guidance and reviews.........and I urge you not to rule out this option. Truly, it can be best for all concerned.

Some jurisdictions offer financial aid for low-income seniors. You local senior resource center or an agency like A Place for Mom can help you seek out some options.

Thank you.

My mom is not a low income senior, she can afford it but right now we'll take her home and see how that goes.

I'm going to hire a painter and redo the ceiling and walls and freshen her area up, the house is 2 story but of course she sticks to 4 basic rooms on the 1st floor.

She's complaining about the food where she's at, seriously, years ago when she was at the same place the food was actually good, now it's sub par at the best. I was told they cook everything themselves but everyone knows how that goes, cooks get burned out and maybe the budget has changed and so does the attitude. There's only about 100 residents where she is at so it's not like cooking for a 1,000 or more but it is what it is.

We need to put some weight on her and hopefully in the home environment and my cooking, we'll see what we can do.

I realize that nothing is forever and there might be a time that I say, enough is enough and maybe you'll be happier with others. Yes she is going to miss pushing the button, and yes she is going to miss the interaction so maybe it will happen sooner than later. Time will tell.

I hope everything goes well for you and your mom ((((((((((((nantucket shore))))))))))))

[goodstuff]

On 2/21/2014 nantucket shore said:

On 2/21/2014 GoodStuff said:

I'd strongly recommend that you open your mind to the possibility of residential assisted living for your mom. After various struggles and trials, we've gone that route with my mom (who died from Alzheimer's last year) and DH's mom, now 96. We tried in-home care and agency aides with my Mom.......and nearly lost our minds. Extremely expensive and a constant barrage of details and crises to manage. I can't tell you how wonderful our experiences with AL have been. You need to research and see what is available in your area and be sure you look at <em>quality</em> situations -- but a good AL can be a Godsend for both you and your mom. For her, there's 24/7 trained care, good meals, social opportunities, activities, transportation, and outings. For you, there's the peace of knowing that she has 24/7 care and the ability to be involved in her care, spend time with her, coordinate with the staff..........and also maintain your own life, family, activities, and health. Some people overlook the potential isolation, depression, need for special equipment, and the unrelenting responsibility for family caregivers. Difficult and not always best. There are AL situations ranging from big, plush, expensive resort-like facilities to small, independent, more affordable personal care homes. There are good and not-so-good in all categories. Shop around, get guidance and reviews.........and I urge you not to rule out this option. Truly, it can be best for all concerned.

Some jurisdictions offer financial aid for low-income seniors. You local senior resource center or an agency like A Place for Mom can help you seek out some options.

Thank you.

My mom is not a low income senior, she can afford it but right now we'll take her home and see how that goes.

I'm going to hire a painter and redo the ceiling and walls and freshen her area up, the house is 2 story but of course she sticks to 4 basic rooms on the 1st floor.

She's complaining about the food where she's at, seriously, years ago when she was at the same place the food was actually good, now it's sub par at the best. I was told they cook everything themselves but everyone knows how that goes, cooks get burned out and maybe the budget has changed and so does the attitude. There's only about 100 residents where she is at so it's not like cooking for a 1,000 or more but it is what it is.

We need to put some weight on her and hopefully in the home environment and my cooking, we'll see what we can do.

I realize that nothing is forever and there might be a time that I say, enough is enough and maybe you'll be happier with others. Yes she is going to miss pushing the button, and yes she is going to miss the interaction so maybe it will happen sooner than later. Time will tell.

I think it's fine to try the in-home care option, and I hope it works out well for your family. I'm just urging you to be honest with yourself and stay open to other possibilities if this one becomes overwhelming, as it sometimes does. Some people keep old folks at home out of guilt or a sense of duty and tax their own health and ignore their own needs and limits and those of other family members. It's possible to maintain a livable balance, and residential care can be a very helpful part of that equation.

All the best to you, your family, and your mom.

[ivey]

My mother lived in a beautiful, new assisted living facility in the late 90's. The staff was pretty good. The food was terrible. I know they were trying to cut corners there, but the cook did not care. Of course it's going to show up in any facility depending on the employees. Same goes with care and management.

An example--mom ate in her room one evening because she wasn't feeling well. So they brought her microwave pizza and a slice of watermelon. Some evenings it would be some chicken noodle soup and a small bowl of lettuce. But they could sure embellish it on the printed menu. I finally took the issue up clear to the regional manager, and he, of course, had some lame excuse that these menus were written by a licensed dietitian. Yes, they were, but they were cooked by someone who didn't care.