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05-09-2018 10:06 AM
Why isn't someone else or two planning events? It's all up to you? Tell them to plan something and let you know when it is. These are you in-laws - that 's terrible! Most folks fall in love and then are stuck with the in-laws for the rest of their lives - not really considered at the outset of their relationship.
05-09-2018 10:18 AM - edited 05-09-2018 02:52 PM
You are bullied, your husband is bullied, and your child is a victim.
You and your husband and are enabling the bullying.
Lets see, the sister intimates, was a military officer and exceptionally smart, so what. Those are not credentials, reasons, or excuses for being a bully. No one has the right to bully and everyone has the obligation to say no to it.
You, your husband, and everyone else have to finally act like adults and no longer allow yourselves to be a victim. Children observe behavior and is this the environment you want your child to see.
Next time the bully gives a demand, turn around, look her straight in the eye and say YOU ARE DISMISSED! Turn around and walk away.
It is time to be an adult, intimation to end and bullying in the family to end.
It is your choice, live as you do, and if you do then you have no right to complain, or finally act and do something about it. You and your husband have allowed this behavior to continue and you both have to put on your big boy/girl pants or stay in diapers.
Family and family values matter. The issues are entirely in your hands and so are the responsibilities.
05-09-2018 10:41 AM
My mother-in-law moved in with us when she could no longer be safe on her own. It was something I didn't think would be a problem. What I discovered was that my "sweet" mother-in-law had been kept in check by my father-in-law for all of those years. It was an extremely difficult period. Her own 2 daughters who are both nurses didn't want her with them, called her about every 2 months, and only came to see her 1 time each in the 2 1/2 years she lived here. One daughter lived 2 hours away.
I finally decided that our family would do the best we could and try to laugh among ourselves when things were difficult. She never changed! We paid for things that she needed, included her in family vacations, took her to the doctor, made a 4 hour trip to visit the graves of family every year, etc., etc. My husband and I eventook care of the funeral arrangements because no one else wanted to. .
Here is my point ~ when she finally died, we had no regrets. No one could say that we had neglected her. We felt no guilt because we had honored her and cared for her because she was my husband's mother. Her other children have had a lot of guilt and regrets. Their lives have not be good as far as relationships with their own children. We have a great realtionship with all four of our children and our grandchildren.
I know this is very different than what you are dealing with, but you are setting an example for your children. We always just did what we thought was best. If any complaints came our way from her daughters, I would just say if you would like to help, I would be grateful. They never offered after that. We decided to take care of her because it was the right thing to do. She never said thank you and I don't think she appreciated anything. She was always angry and difficult. But, we did what was right. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep because of her cruel words, but I sleep just fine now!
05-09-2018 11:05 AM
JJsMom i completely understand your questioning the story, it just underscores how odd this treatment is by my sister-in-law. She is a high power successful women who is use to intimidating people to get the job done and she carries it over to her private life. She
also has a brilliant mind and will pick apart whatever you say like you are on trial, she is always right. It make it not worth to even saying anything. I realize we teach people how to treat us but I will admit I am not skilled enough in debate to handle her intensity.
Wait a minute ............
After I responded last night, I continued to think about this situation .... you didn't mention (or I didn't notice) how many siblings your DH has ..... but why aren't THEY defending your efforts if your DH can't be bothered?
In my family, we take turns with holidays .... one cooks for Thanksgiving another sister takes Christmas .... you get the idea.
Since his sister is so "brilliant and busy", then when it's her turn she can always pay a teenage girl in her neighborhood (or whatever) to do all the prep and calls and pay her an hourly rate commensurate with babysitting rates. Brilliant Sister doesn't need to do everything herself .... she just has to make sure everything gets done with delegation. Surely she knows what "delegate" means.
05-09-2018 11:58 AM
The OP doesn't care for her inlaws but wants their approvel. They know it and it gives them power. I don't care what those I dislike think of me because I don't value their opinion.
In this situation, I'd agree with whatever they say, smile and do as I please.
05-09-2018 01:03 PM
If you don't want to sit through hours of being talked down to, but want your children to see their cousins, drop the kids off! Tell them to have fun. I am assuming they are old enough for this.
05-09-2018 04:02 PM
I posted earlier that your actions regarding dealing with your husbands coworker deserved accreditation but don't know what happened to that post so again I say that was brilliant and you handled it perfectly! Way to go and thanks for posting/sharing that with us! I need to remember that! :smileywink:
05-12-2018 09:23 PM - edited 05-12-2018 09:25 PM
Take your child to visit their cousins without going to your in-laws; your husband needs to be dealing with his mother about this, not you; it's his time to step up. I had to deal with a similar problem for years; DH was too afraid of his mother to stand up to her behavior....he is not my DH any longer.....
05-12-2018 10:24 PM
I don’t know how all of you deal with these in-laws. I ended my last serious relationship mainly because we were heading in the direction of marriage, but his family was so bad that I ended it. I knew I could never deal with them. I love celebrating all holidays, and I couldn’t imagine having to spend all of them with them.
My boyfriend was also useless in helping to improve my relationship with them. His brother was actually close friends with an ex of mine who did terrible, criminal things to me. Every time I would see his brother, he would be sure to bring up my ex and talk about how often they see each other. I asked my boyfriend to have a conversation with his brother to let him know about what happened between me and my ex and to let him know that it was inappropriate and rude for him to keep bringing up my ex when I was around. He claimed to have talked to his brother about it, but the brother continued to bring him up.
His parents visited frequently but lived 5 hours away in another state. One year, his mother invited me to Easter. She asked me to spend several days with the family at their very spacious home and to bring my small dog. I accepted the invitation. The day before my boyfriend and I were to drive to their home, my boyfriend received an email from his mother that included a hotel reservation. They had other relatives who decided to visit, and they ran out of space in their home. Since one of those relatives was allergic to dogs, we were the ones who were relocated to a hotel. Since I had never been in a situation where I had to leave my dog in a hotel room, my dog is prone to “accidents,” and it was too short notice to find a sitter, I decided not to go. My boyfriend went by himself, and he said they all talked the whole time about how horrible it was of me to cancel at the last minute. Of course he didn’t say anything in my defense. That’s when I ended it. I vowed to never again get seriously involved with anyone whose family I didn’t like.
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