dealing with in-laws - Page 5

madie · ‎06-10-2015

I feel the same way, but my husband has admitted that he is intimated buy his sister ( the main one constantly criticizing, to a lesser extent his mother guilts) . You see she is exceptionally smart and successful aerospace engineer for NASA. Also was high military officer. So she is use to saying "jump" and everyone around her saying " how high". My husband has this weak spot I think because he was always in her shadow. He sees that this is a fault but is having trouble because his sister will never back down from an argument so he doesn't want to even start

madie · ‎06-10-2015

JJsMom i completely understand your questioning the story, it just underscores how odd this treatment is by my sister-in-law. She is a high power successful women who is use to intimidating people to get the job done and she carries it over to her private life. She
also has a brilliant mind and will pick apart whatever you say like you are on trial, she is always right. It make it not worth to even saying anything. I realize we teach people how to treat us but I will admit I am not skilled enough in debate to handle her intensity.

RoughDraft · ‎03-09-2010

@madie wrote:
JJsMom i completely understand your questioning the story, it just underscores how odd this treatment is by my sister-in-law. She is a high power successful women who is use to intimidating people to get the job done and she carries it over to her private life. She
also has a brilliant mind and will pick apart whatever you say like you are on trial, she is always right. It make it not worth to even saying anything. I realize we teach people how to treat us but I will admit I am not skilled enough in debate to handle her intensity.

@madie I was just about to ask you how and why you were designated the in-laws entertainment director, but now I see what happened.

I don't care how brilliant or dynamic a person is. If your survival doesn't depend on this woman, simply tell her you've resigned or retired your position as the family doormat. If she's so capable, hand the mantle over to her. No debating necessary.

~The only difference between this place and the Titanic is that the Titanic had a band.~

NycVixen · ‎10-15-2010

@madie wrote:
I feel the same way, but my husband has admitted that he is intimated buy his sister ( the main one constantly criticizing, to a lesser extent his mother guilts) . You see she is exceptionally smart and successful aerospace engineer for NASA. Also was high military officer. So she is use to saying "jump" and everyone around her saying " how high". My husband has this weak spot I think because he was always in her shadow. He sees that this is a fault but is having trouble because his sister will never back down from an argument so he doesn't want to even start

Your DH's sister might be an "exceptionally smart and successful aerospace engineer for NASA" but otherwise she sounds like an awful person. A great part of success is how you treat others. Belittlement and bullying shouldn't be tolerated period. Her professional achievements and intelligence don't make her a better person than you or your DH.

I have an older sibling like this. She used to intimidate me and she bullied me my whole life. She was supposed to be the intelligent one. Couldn't get over the fact that I ended up with a full scholarship to a prestigious university. I decided years ago this relationship was not worth having. I stood up to her and she detested me more.

People like this are never satisfied. They never change. You cannot be collateral damage. Both of you need to either walk away or stand your ground whatever the cost. But this dysfunctional relationship has to stop. You cannot be trampled on because of his family's past unresolved drama. His sister needs to get over herself.

Do her a favor and stop taking her abuse so she learns how to treat people. My sibling ended up getting fired from a longstanding and high position due to mistreating her assistant. I'm certain she doesn't know how to treat anyone if she thinks it's OK to abuse family.

~Live with Intention~

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

Not worth it to me--even if it means the cousins don't see each other frequently enough.

I wouldn't want my children see this domineering woman throwing her weight around--unchallenged-- by me or anyone.

RoughDraft · ‎03-09-2010

Wow, I completely missed the fact that she was a successful aerospace engineer for NASA and in the military. That makes all the difference...NOT!

If you and your husband can't or won't grow spines, there is no advice any of us can offer that will help. If it were me and my husband, we'd cut her off completely and actually have done it in the past with one of his siblings. Guess what? The world didn't end. You neither work for NASA nor are you in the military. You sound like a lovely couple but you're going to spend a lot of miserable years with that woman ruling your lives.

~The only difference between this place and the Titanic is that the Titanic had a band.~

Daysdee · ‎03-09-2010

Choose one (or two) holidays you want to host and tell them that the others will have to handle the rest. They probably won't but that's on them -- not you.

Desert Lily · ‎06-24-2011

I agree with the poster who wrote that the OP didn't give enough information. There have been many assumptions. My view is, your in-laws love you, your husband, and your children very much or they wouldn't want to see you more often. I think it's an opportunity for someone to thank their lucky stars that they are loved so much. If you saw them less or let your anger grow, you may regret it in hindsight in 10-15 years. Your children will marry and likely have their own families one day, and you may wish you'd see them more often. I also have family members who are highly intelligent, and the fact is that they sometimes have different social skils. Can you find a different way to communicate with your SIL and accept her for who she is? Family is family, and family most often offers unconditional love for you and all members. Is there a way you can combine your family with your husband's family and ask for help in planning and preparing? Are there other suggestions that you could think of to kindly discuss with them? Life changes; you may have a treasure that you don't see yet.

madie · ‎06-10-2015

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to answer, you have given me A new perspective and a lot to think about! A few people have asked for more information, the main one criticizing is my husband's sister, my mother-in-law uses guilt to manipulate. I actually see my own sister maybe four to six times a year and my brother about once a year. So a lot less than I see my in-laws. I do see my own mother twice a week because she watches my daughter while I work, but as far as fun activities I would say it's almost equal because I plan them in tandem one day with my mom , then same activity with my in-laws. My in-laws live about 2 and 1/2 hours away so it is not a quick visit down the road. The heart of the problem is my sister-in- the who is very bossy and always right you just can't argue with her . Writing out the situation and reading everybody's responses has really help me open my eyes to how imbalance this relationship is. It's funny how you just get used to a bad situation and think of it as normal, thanks again for everyone's response

Desert Lily · ‎06-24-2011

I'm not a grandmother yet (I have a child in college working on a doctorate), but as I mature I try hard to judge less and value more. No one is perfect, including ourselves. We cannot change others, but we can search ourselves to understand what role we play with others and how we can improve or change that role.