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Occasional Contributor
Posts: 13
Registered: ‎06-10-2015

Would you continue to invest time to planning activities with your in-laws if they consistently complain you are not doing enough? we average seeing them about 8 -10 times a year and most get-togethers ( mothers day for example) are coordinated by me. If I stop my child will not get to see cousins, if I continue I just get taken for granted and walked on. I have already tried taking to them and it ALWAYS ends with them telling me how i am letting the family fall apart because we don't see each other enough! They bring this up EVERY visit! It is never enough, I have my own extended family, my own friends, my daughter has friends, my husband has friends, also my husband works weekends and we both work holidays. I feel we are doing the best we can to see them. I am done with being criticized, but I want my child to see her  cousins. What would you do?

Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,017
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

I'd continue doing what you have been. When the negative comments start, ask your husband to explain the busy schedules and to tell them you are doing a great job in his eyes. I wouldn't totally give up but I wouldn't do more than is reasonable for a busy wife and mother.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,224
Registered: ‎01-26-2013

How far do you live from the in-laws?

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,962
Registered: ‎10-03-2011

Re: dealing with in-laws

[ Edited ]

@madie  I'm sorry you're not appreciated.  I think that's probably one of our greatest needs as humans.  That said, it boils down to the fact that we teach people how to treat us.  They walk all over you because you don't do anything to stop it.  You s-uck it up and keep planning, knowing exactly what's coming.  So why should they change anything about their behavior?  Stop being the planner and let someone else pick up the ball.  If it doesn't happen, then accept the fact that your daughter may see less of her cousins unless you plan separate gatherings with individual families when possible.  

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,879
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Your husband's parents. It's on him. Do not allow yourself to listen to their criticisms and complaints any longer. He needs to put on his big boy pants and deal with them and defend you and your efforts. ITA that the cousin relationship is worth your efforts.

What about the parents of the cousins? Husbands siblings?

Hubby needs to man up and your in-laws sound very whiney and self-centered. Talk to him about this issue NOW and ask him exactly how he plans to deal with it on Mothers Day. Specific action.

I am a new MIL (2017). Believe me, I try to ask nothing of DDIL and as little as possible of DS, especially because they are loving and respectful of me and I would like to keep things that way.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,798
Registered: ‎03-15-2010

Why is your husband allowing his parents to rag on you?

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,972
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

I'd let it go in one ear and out the other, not making any stops in between.

Contributor
Posts: 54
Registered: ‎04-30-2012

Boy i could write a book for you.  My advise is to do what you want .  I have been dealing with similar issues and after almost 40 years of making an effort of trying to be a good in law to all of them nothing that you do or have done for them makes a difference.  I too wanted my children to be close to their cousins but now they are all adults now and they hardly see each other.  We went through a situation where one cousin didn't talk to one of my children for six years because the person whom they were dating didn't like them. It was deeply hurtful.  Now it is happening again for other reasons.  I am deeply hurt and so disappointed.  I am thankful my husband is 100% on my side and agrees with me.  So my advise is to do what ever makes you feel happy doing because no matter what you do it sounds like there is no pleasing them. 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,626
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

If you are doing all the planning and coordinating, why are they criticizing and blaming you? Is there more to the story that I'm not getting?

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. ~ Desmond Tutu
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,460
Registered: ‎05-12-2012

when i stopped being the family co-ordinator, they asked my husband if there was something wrong with me.....ummmm...no....there was finally something right with me!