Community Chat

[Financialgrl]

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@scatcat wrote:

Why is your husband allowing his parents to rag on you?

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The other day an old old Dr. Phil was on - I don't watch him but was busy and didn't change channel.  It was on your topic - and he said exactly what @scatcat wrote above.  His words - "in any marriage it is the responsility of each person in a marriage to handle their parent(s) on any situation that parent is causing.  Yep - agree - time to put his big boy panties on!

[Annabellethecat66]

@AuntG I thought that was a wonderful response!  I totally agree with you!

[Marp]

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@madie wrote:

Would you continue to invest time to planning activities with your in-laws if they consistently complain you are not doing enough? we average seeing them about 8 -10 times a year and most get-togethers ( mothers day for example) are coordinated by me. If I stop my child will not get to see cousins, if I continue I just get taken for granted and walked on. I have already tried taking to them and it ALWAYS ends with them telling me how i am letting the family fall apart because we don't see each other enough! They bring this up EVERY visit! It is never enough, I have my own extended family, my own friends, my daughter has friends, my husband has friends, also my husband works weekends and we both work holidays. I feel we are doing the best we can to see them. I am done with being criticized, but I want my child to see her  cousins. What would you do?

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This needs more information added.  What are you doing, what are their complaints, what is the context of the planning, what are your in-laws expectations, what do they want you to do?

If all else fails simply say I'm sorry I'm not doing enough would YOU like to take over the planning and coordinating?

ETA:  In regard to your child and the cousins if a workable solution cannot be found suggest your child spend weekends/holidays with the cousins. That gives your child and cousins time together with the added bonus of extra time for you and your spouse.

[Preds]

Since you aren't meeting their expectations, hand it all back to them to plan.  If they want to "hold everyone together", it should be their job and not yours.  You've done your best and it will never be "their" best. 

Plan for you and your husbands family and friends.  Enjoy the people in your life that appreciate all you do.  Family (cousins) can keep up with each if they choose to. 

Life is short ... enjoy it with people that respect you and yours.  To hades with the others.

[Trinity11]

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@Preds wrote:

Since you aren't meeting their expectations, hand it all back to them to plan.  If they want to "hold everyone together", it should be their job and not yours.  You've done your best and it will never be "their" best. 

Plan for you and your husbands family and friends.  Enjoy the people in your life that appreciate all you do.  Family (cousins) can keep up with each if they choose to. 

Life is short ... enjoy it with people that respect you and yours.  To hades with the others.

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Wonderful advice @Preds. I only wish message boards like this one were around 40 some years ago.

Hope you are doing well.

[Trinity11]

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@madie wrote:

Would you continue to invest time to planning activities with your in-laws if they consistently complain you are not doing enough? we average seeing them about 8 -10 times a year and most get-togethers ( mothers day for example) are coordinated by me. If I stop my child will not get to see cousins, if I continue I just get taken for granted and walked on. I have already tried taking to them and it ALWAYS ends with them telling me how i am letting the family fall apart because we don't see each other enough! They bring this up EVERY visit! It is never enough, I have my own extended family, my own friends, my daughter has friends, my husband has friends, also my husband works weekends and we both work holidays. I feel we are doing the best we can to see them. I am done with being criticized, but I want my child to see her  cousins. What would you do?

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@madiePeople who really love you don't twist you into a pretzel trying to please them. Been there done that and only wish I could take back the time I lost being a "pleaser."

I have two children that I dearly love but only see them a few times a year. They are busy living their lives and the last type of mom I would want to be is a parent who smothered them with demands. I know all too well what that felt like.

Take back your life and learn to say no. I only wish I could have had someone tell me that more than forty years ago.

[ROMARY]

Sometimes all we can do is to do what my dad used to suggest:  'Don't pay attention'. 

Easier said than done, though.

[Chicagosuburbangirl]

To keep the peace in this situation comes at a cost.

I get it.

the only advice I can give is to tell you what we do: play nice for the sake of the kids and laugh or ignore rude behavior.

The life you have outside of this mess is what really matters.

[RedTop]

This is called manipulation; continue doing what you’ve been doing, tell them you’re doing the very best you can, and they’ll live with it just fine.   

[Catiele]

This is as good as it gets dear in laws. Oh and please have a talk with your son. He then should say I think my wife does her very best.