dealing with in-laws - Page 3

NycVixen · ‎10-15-2010

I've been married going on 6 years. My MIL is very hard to please while my FIL is a sweetheart. I've been trying to please her for 10 years and she's still not happy. I told my DH I'm done.

I think getting together 8-10 times a year is a lot. I would completely stop coordinating any get-togethers with your in-laws. IMO, maintaining your kids' relationship with their cousins is important but not enough to warrant the continuous criticism and abuse. Ask your children as well as the cousin's parents how to make it work without the onus being on you.

I would see your in-laws much less. I literally stopped caring what my MIL thinks. I refuse to let her dictate how I live my life directly or indirectly.They don't appreciate you or show the respect you deserve. That won't change until you stop catering to them.

Use your own efforts to make your life better. Take the power back by not caring what they say or do. Stop explaining yourself to them; needlessly justifying your actions conveys weakness. They capitalize on your politeness and generous nature.

If the family is falling apart with your best efforts than there is nothing you can do. Just proceed to do what is best for you and don't give any further explanations. You don't work for them and they aren't your parents. Take the monkey off your back and be happy. Life is too short to spend it with difficult people.

~Live with Intention~

chiclets · ‎07-01-2012

The bottom line is you will never be able to please them.

If you want to have a family function because you want to have one then do so, if not, then do not.

If you want to attend a family function then do so because you want to, if not, do not.

It is not up to you to please your husband's mommy and daddy, or family, just to please them.

It is important for family to be family but if it means your child will only be able to do so because of your willingness to tolerate certain matters then it is wrong. Family members have a responsibility to know your child and include her. You seem so worried about her, you, and your husband becoming excluded.

Your husband has a responsibility to you and your child first. He needs to set matters straight with mommy and daddy and anyone else.

You do not have to coordinated anything. You should not feel wrong about doing nothing. Things are always your fault anyway, so what the heck. You put on your big girl pants, sit back, and let someone else coordinate it, then sit back and see what happens. Oh, if things are said, they probably will be, but then again, they have been said before. So when they are said then let your husband put on his big boy pants and finally stand up to mommy and daddy and stand up for his wife and child.

The truth is the family isn't falling apart or will fall apart because of one person. It is just an excuse to throw shade.

Stop feeling afraid and be gentle to yourself, and respect yourself, you are worth it.

NicksmomESQ · ‎08-19-2014

Your husband needs to stand up for you,period!! Stop pleasing ungrateful people who don’t care about pleasing you!! Life is too short.Like Ricky Nelson said in his song Garden Party ” You can’t please everyone so you got to please yourself”!!

faeriemoon · ‎03-14-2010

Dealing with in laws has taught me a great deal about how to be a good MIL now.

For the first 8 years of our marriage mine lived across the street. Saying it was a challenge is an understatement.

riley1 · ‎03-10-2010

You should stop being the doormat. Let the in-laws take over the reins and do what they want. Do you live close to them? To me 8-10 times a year is a lot, especially when it isn't appreciated.

Start living your life with your family/friends and do things you and your family want to do.

I also agree, your husband should step up to the plate - NOW - put on his big boy pants and tell them you have done a great job, but you have other things you want to do.

As far as the cousins - I say that a cr*p shoot. You didn't specify ages are they teens or younger. If teens, they have their own friends/things to do. Just because they are related doesn't mean they have to be friends.

Good Luck - Riley1

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

There's nothing you can do. They are miserable, nasty, ungrateful people who enjoy pushing your buttons. But they are your husband's family and after all these years, the situation is what it is. You daughter deserves a family, your husband deseves to see his parents and if you stop, everyone will blame you for being "too sensitive". So, plaster a fake smile on your face and continue going through the motions with them. You are doing it for the rest of the family. Try not to let them get to you. That's what they want. Don't indulge them. 8-10 times a year seems like a lot, perhaps you can gradually whittle that down to a bit. The next time they give you that garbage about the family not seeing each other enough, tell them the truth. You have other people in your lives and jobs and responsibilities, you can't give them 100% of your life. Don't smile. Say it like you mean it. Also, since they don't appreciate what you do, keep some of the events short and low key.

Kitlynn · ‎03-09-2010

I would just do what works for you and your immediate family. If they get upset then that is on them. No one is obligated to do anything for anyone and it should be appreciated when the effort is made. Everyone has a life and is busy. It sounds like if you are seeing them eight or ten times a year then that is plenty with the schedule you and your husband have. Don't let them make you feel bad as you have no reason to.

Regal Bee · ‎07-20-2017

@madie Do what is right for you and your family.

Stop talking about it with them.....simply STOP feeding the fire and it will die out.

If you continue talking, they will find a way to get around you. It took me over 25 years to learn this. After I did, my life totally changed.

All the best to you.

blackhole99 · ‎08-22-2013

There will always be family members who feel like they are being short changed or disrespected in some way and they are right. Every aunt has her favorite niece and nephew and mil's are notorious for not loving who their son or daughter married. Favoritism is alive and well even in our enlightened society. If you let your inlaws take advantage of you, they will. Just say no and be happy with your immediate family. Cousins do not stick together as children ,let alone as adults. I saw my cousins all the time when we were growing up and after we graduated from HS we were lucky if we saw one another once a year and we lived fairly close to each other. You daughter will survive.

viva923 · ‎03-12-2010

continue what you have been doing the way YOU want to do it.

my parents would not meet with other family members. there was 4 kids on my dad's side, my mom was a only child she had a half brother that was I believe 20 yrs older than she so he was pretty much out of th picture when she was born.

my parents never associated with any of my dad's side of the family why I have NO idea. we have cousins that we never ever got to know. there was no connection with any of my dad's family. I wish we could have developed some kind of friendship.