dealing with in-laws - Page 6

madie · ‎06-10-2015

In response to Desert Lily I really appreciate that you are trying to see a different side I do think a small part of that is true and it could be seen as how nice it is to be wanted. I have been with my husband for 14 years, for the first five to six years I did plan family events where both families and even sometimes friends mixed to try and see everybody more. It is sad but everyone felt awkward around my sister and mother-in-law and it made the whole event unpleasant so I stopped doing that. I didn't feel like my own family and friend had to be subjected to their behavior. Basically she picks apart everything you say in a criticizing way to somehow prove you're wrong even the simplest of stories of going to your family doctor for example. I really feel that typing this all out has opened my eyes to how bad it has gotten this has been very therapeutic for me. I realize that I cannot change them so I need to change my response to them

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@CelticCrafter wrote:
I'd let it go in one ear and out the other, not making any stops in between.

I agree. Nobody gets treated the way they want by everyone. Take it for your husband and kids and don't let it bother you. If it doesn't bother you I doubt seriously if it will be worth it for them to continue complaining. Smile, laugh, have a good time and let THEM suffer.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@Karie2022 wrote:
I think your husband should deal with his family😀

SHOULD is not always possible. If it is too painful for him to do it, sorry but that leaves a lot up to the OP. Marriage is about one person doing what another can't, and sometimes you just have to smile and tough it out.

It's not wonderful, it's not heroic, it's not going to get you a medal, and it will give you heartburn at times, but buck up and it will be over soon. Sticks and stones remember. . . trite but true.

I know this isn't a popular viewpoint, but been there done that and some things aren't worth hassling with. Get it over and move on.

Desert Lily · ‎06-24-2011

@madieI sincerely hope that you can find positive ways to relate to your in-laws. A suggestion I have is to research the qualities/traits that some highly intelligent people sometimes possess and see if that information gives you any insight into your SIL and perhaps your MIL. Another poster mentioned Dr. Phil. I used to watch him and remember him saying that someone needs to be the hero and how he was committed to keeping families together. Maybe a clergy person or a counselor would have ideas on how you could interact with your in-laws. I wish you the best.

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@madie wrote:
Would you continue to invest time to planning activities with your in-laws if they consistently complain you are not doing enough? we average seeing them about 8 -10 times a year and most get-togethers ( mothers day for example) are coordinated by me. If I stop my child will not get to see cousins, if I continue I just get taken for granted and walked on. I have already tried taking to them and it ALWAYS ends with them telling me how i am letting the family fall apart because we don't see each other enough! They bring this up EVERY visit! It is never enough, I have my own extended family, my own friends, my daughter has friends, my husband has friends, also my husband works weekends and we both work holidays. I feel we are doing the best we can to see them. I am done with being criticized, but I want my child to see her cousins. What would you do?

@madie

I haven't read every single post, so I'm sorry if this was already addressed.

Why is it always up to you to coordinate .... and how is the family "falling apart'? What baloney. There's always the option that THEY can coordinate the get-togethers. There must be others who can take a turn with the party planning. Better yet .... The old folks sure have lots of opinions, and probably don't work, so suggest that THEY have so much more free time, it only makes sense they take over.

Next time you're criticized, agree that apparently they just cannot be pleased ... and "quit" as family party planner. Let someone else do it, and maybe they can teach everyone else what the get togethers should really be like. Personally, I see this as a thankless job, and a no win situation. Quit this thankless job and let the chips fall where they may.

You want your child to see her cousins, but is there really no other way for this to happen? I don't know the distances between where everyone lives, but there may be better options ... or ways to alternate activities.

Good luck to you ....... just get out!

CalminHeart · ‎03-09-2010

I'd continue doing to what you're doing. You're doing a good thing. When the negative comments come up, nicely let them know you are doing all you can but they are welcome to pick up the slack. Then change the subject or walk away.

tsavorite · ‎03-09-2010

@madie Hello....I did read all the posts and hearted most of them LOL! I sincerely hope you take the advice given here and put a plan into action to "change the status quo". I know it's hard for sure. What has happened is that people have gotten used to the habits of you/husband responding/doing what you are doing. So of course there's going to a adjustment phase as people get used to the NEW way things work.

After reading what you said about your husband....it sounds like he is telling you he is to afraid to do what you have asked of him and will not be correcting the situation.

So once again it will be up to you....lot's of men are like this....as long as they don't have to be the target they are fine with ignoring a situation and have absolutely ZERO stress about it.

I would like to give a piece of advice also to you....please don't think YOU have to explain ANY decision to the MIL or SIL. NEVER get into a DEBATE or argument with any of your husbands family. What you do is simply stop doing what is making you miserable and only do what you truly want to do. When the MIL begins saying hurtful comments to you about family not getting together enough in a very calm controlled NON angry way say "excuse me....I'll get (husbands name) so you two can discuss this" and don't respond about the topic EVER again. As far as the SIL if she interjects herself in this or gets in your face....tell her this is not a DEBATE we are simply informing you of blank. END OF DISCUSSION. Abusive controlling people thrive on the back and forth...they are confident in their abusive techniques so the more you would engage the more they go at it and they ENJOY IT where as you and your husband are not abusive so are repelled by it. If you don't engage there is nothing they can do about it. Walk away.

I would STOP doing all the planning....just do it 1 or 2 times and say in a nice way..."someone else can plan the next get together" and don't do a thing after that. It's up to them to "save the family get togethers" not you.

A short funny story from my own life. Husband was working in Canada...I was there with our 3 sons....visiting. H wanted me to meet a co-worker and his wife...we all went to dinner (kids stayed with friend) this friend/co-worker was just like your MIL/SIL...he tried telling me/us what to order and was so angry we didn't OBEY HIM LOL! he was awful thur the entire meal (felt so bad for his wife...she was so nice/sweet) so outside in front of restaurant I asked my H to please bring the car up for me. It has FREEZING with snow and ice....we couldn't find a close by parking spot and had walked a really long way to the place....I had been slipping on the icy sidewalks and so on. My H was fine with it but this friend went nuts! he started saying "NO...you don't have to do that!" and insisted that my husband NOT get the car for me....I should WALK to it! I didn't react at all....I smiled sweetly...and said to my husband "thanks honey for bringing the car up for me in this weather" and stood there smiling at him. My H went to get car and I had to stand with this couple for a long time as like I said the car was down and up several streets away. He coudn't get past it...kept making nasty comments while I stood there. I would smile and say "he doesn't mind" and just act "stupid and cheerful"....I heard a famous Psychologist say this I think her name is Joy (can't remember her last name...she's on the radio for yrs now. She says just play the stupid and cheerful card and do AS YOU PLEASE!!

Sorry got long here but I hope you get my point and I pray you change the status quo...only you can do it unfortunately.

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

I'd bet you are doing plenty. If you can't make (her?) happy, I'm thinking you never will make her personality happy. I'd bet complaining is her way of trying to control the situation. She'd want you to move in and she still would find something to fuss about.

If she remains this way, visit the cousins more and the parents less. who needs that? Send her son over to visit them if you must.

MarcyG72 · ‎08-20-2012

So much wise advice here .... I am sure we all have our MIL horror stories. My 40 years dealing with mine would make a stone weep, so I finally just gave up ... she sees me on my schedule now, not hers.

loisp · ‎03-30-2011

I have been dealing with my MIL for over 45 years. It has only gotten worse, not better over the years. She has done much to disrepect and denigrate me including telling me she is a "martyr" because I married her son. She absolutely takes no responsibility for her actions. I kept quiet for years but as her behavior escalated, I confronted my husband for not standing up for me. He did not acknowledge her actions and really didn't believe his mother had any ill will. As incidents continued, I gently pointed it out to him and told him how hurt I was--then let it drop. He is now starting to see that his "beloved" mother is someone (at least with me) who is not kind. I finally decided I had enough of her garbage and told him I was done. This has worked out great for me. No guilt since I know I gave it my all for a very long time. I now see her once or twice a year at family gatherings at which time I say hello and move on.