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10-29-2022 02:09 PM
Possibly because there is another thread with a very similar title that was started this morning.
10-29-2022 02:38 PM
@BoopOMatic wrote:
@Peaches McPhee wrote:Whenever I see someone (IRL or on TV) treating their aged parents "badly" (using my definition of "badly") I wonder what had happened in the past to cause this now? It did not happen in a vacuum. The parent may have been physically abusive or toxic. You just don't know what is in people's hearts and minds.
Why assume the parents caused their behavior, they may just be rotten people who don't want to be bothered.
Well, don't just dismiss the parents' part in all of this .... it's not like schools teach relationship skills in school. Many people became parents before they were ready ... or they just didn't want children, but were trapped in parenthood.
Some parents were truly abusive ... or, at the very least, totally inept.
10-29-2022 07:45 PM
@suzyQ3 wrote:
@Mominohiowrote:
@suzyQ3wrote:
@Mominohiowrote:I believe you owe them exactly what they gave to you.
If they were terrible parents you owe them only the respect of going away and not disrespecting them by retaliation. You owe that to yourself as well, to move on without guilt and preserve yourself in spite of their bad influence.
IF they were good to you, you owe them all you can give of your time, help, love and caring when they get to the point where they need help.
We tend to have a culture of 'I don't owe anybody anything' today, and I simply don't agree with it, on many levels.
@Mominohio, yours is an excellent post.
The part that I bolded is something that bears inspection. I think that we all want to move on and preserve ourselves. But it must be remembered that "ourselves" were created in no small way by our childhood environment.
Just how far we can change is one of those unanswerable questions, IMO. There is no other relationship as profound and complicated. No other that calls out to us when we least expect it. The influence and impact is so very deeply embedded.
That paragraph is meant to apply to those parents who were abusive, and abandoned. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, incest, drug and alcohol abuse, all the really bad stuff. So many kids go their entire adult lives, after those experiences, trying to still be loved by those parents, doing for, feeling obligated, and they owe nothing, except to themselves. (in my opinion anyway).
@Mominohio, my one point was that no matter the abuse or neglect suffered, that abuse is internalized, is a part of us, and very difficult if impossible to overcome.
You are right @suzyQ3 Our early years create a blue print, and it is very hard to change it. You either have to destroy the structure and start again. Unfortunaly human beings are not structures, so you have to build a bypass. It can be done with a lot of painful hard work.
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