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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,454
Registered: ‎01-13-2013

Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

  I have a situation.

  My daughter (23) is in love with, and planning to marry a "man" that is trash, IMO. They are not officially engaged but they have discussed marriage and agree on most things and plan to get engaged when they are more financially stable.

 

  He lives at home with his parents and my daughter lives with me.

 

  I'm not going to go into the specifics of why he is trash because that would get picked apart and I don't want that to be the focus of the thread.

 

  For the purpose of discussion, please just take my word for it. He has irreperably harmed my daughter - he is trash and his mother is a BLEEP.

 

  I liked him when I met him, but he has since done something to my daughter that shows he has very poor character - TO PUT IT MILDLY.

 

  Anyway, I'm trying to figure out how to handle this. If indeed they do actually get married, which I doubt, I don't know how I would deal with seeing him and his mother at the wedding. (His mother was involved, in an indirect way).

 

  I usually feel like "it's their life" and so on; but this thing has stepped over the line. I could never have any sort of cordial relationship with him after what he has done. It is on the level of physical abuse although it's not that exactly. But it is that serious, at least, to me. I just don't know how I can EVER be in the same room with him, much less have a relationship, even "hello, goodbye," because of what he has done. My daughter is lovestruck and thinks what he did is okay, but she has no idea.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,103
Registered: ‎01-02-2015

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

I just wanted to say quickly that I am so sorry for you for this ....

I may have more thoughts on this later ....

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,789
Registered: ‎09-22-2017

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

Unfortunately your daughter is going to have to see for herself that he is no good for her.

 

You can only say and do so much. She will not listen until she is hurt more. 

 

I hope that they do not get engaged.

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,120
Registered: ‎07-21-2011

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

@YorkieonmyPillow   Your daughter is very young and could this possibly be he first love?  All you can do is give your opinion and tell her that if a man loves you he won't ________________.   If a man respects you he won't __________________.  THis way you said how you feel and the way things are in love and life.  That's all you can do.  If they did get married it is up to you whether you want to be involved.   Cat Very Happy

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,454
Registered: ‎01-13-2013

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

[ Edited ]

If they do actually get married - which I doubt - IDK if I should attend the wedding, feeling the way I do. On the other hand, how could I miss my daughter's wedding?

 

I guess what I'm asking is:  am I obligated to have a relationship with, and/or tolerate him because he is married to my daughter?

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,226
Registered: ‎03-17-2010

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

I am so sorry this is happening to your family...  all I can offer is probably what you already know, that the more you oppose him and his mother (in any way, even by not acknowledging them) the more your daughter will dig in regarding him.  I'd say to be civil, as socially that's all that's required....

 

Good luck .....

*~Smile...... it makes the wrinkles go up.....Unknown~*
Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,621
Registered: ‎03-16-2010

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

[ Edited ]

I know as a mother you must be heartbroken over this, and I'm sorry. Your daughter is an adult, so there isn't really much you can do. Unfortunately she will have to find out for herself how wrong he is for her. You need her to know whatever happens, you love her and will be there for her no matter what, without being judgmental, with no "I told you so". Good luck to you and your daughter.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,454
Registered: ‎01-13-2013

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........


@Q4U wrote:

I am so sorry this is happening to your family...  all I can offer is probably what you already know, that the more you oppose him and his mother (in any way, even by not acknowledging them) the more your daughter will dig in regarding him.  I'd say to be civil, as socially that's all that's required....

 

Good luck .....


@Q4U  That is true, but I know they are serious about each other....there's nothing I can do to change that and I have accepted that....what I am confused about, is my "role," if any....I don't want to have anything to do with him.

 

Of course my daughter is the priority but she really made her bed with this situation.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 16,923
Registered: ‎07-03-2013

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

My sister dated a guy that nobody liked when she was about 25.  He did something that the family thought was unforgivable.  She actually broke up with him over it, then a week later she forgave him.  Eventually, they eloped.  The marriage lasted 20 years and produced two children.  It basically ruined her life.  There was no talking to my sister.  Our parents were so disappointed and worried about her.  Holiday gatherings were usually unpleasant.  

 

You need to be careful not to force your daughter into his arms.  It may make her takes sides.  Is there someone not so close to the situation that can talk with her?  An aunt/uncle or godparent.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 16,923
Registered: ‎07-03-2013

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........


@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:

@Q4U wrote:

I am so sorry this is happening to your family...  all I can offer is probably what you already know, that the more you oppose him and his mother (in any way, even by not acknowledging them) the more your daughter will dig in regarding him.  I'd say to be civil, as socially that's all that's required....

 

Good luck .....


@Q4U  That is true, but I know they are serious about each other....there's nothing I can do to change that and I have accepted that....what I am confused about, is my "role," if any....I don't want to have anything to do with him.

 

Of course my daughter is the priority but she really made her bed with this situation.


I don't think you have a role if you won't talk to him.  I'm guessing your daughter will take his side and you will have limited or no involvement.  Hopefully I am wrong.