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Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,394
Registered: ‎09-22-2010

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

@YorkieonmyPillow

 

I don't think you have any choice if you want to continue to have a relationship with your daughter.  If there is a wedding you have to participate.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,912
Registered: ‎01-08-2011

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

@YorkieonmyPillow,First I am so very sorry you are having this very difficult situation to deal with.  

 

I taught about abuse of all kinds in my Life Management class which also had a lot of psychology.  I also had counselors from Helpmate, the local group that houses abuse victims and their children and will send an attorney with the victim to court if they can get them that far speak with my students.

 

I would suggest you go to a family counselor because there are so many facets to this issue.  One thing that concerns me is the boy's mother was involved in some way, so strong family values may not be in place.  When children come, they would of course be exposed to the other grandparents.

 

Most doctors and therapists agree that the personality is 20 percent inborn, 80 percent learned, which is a concern here.

 

Generally, abuse doesn't stop.  It's a way of life.

 

Calling a person constantly all day to "keep tabs" is abuse.  (Helpmate).

 

People are less likely to leave someone the longer they've been with them.  Familiar territory is often more comfortable than re-entering the dating scene.

 

You didn't say what level of education your daughter and the young man  had completed.  Could he actually support her?

 

A counselor could guide you to do what you can without losing your relationship with your daughter.

 

Best luck to you.  I'll keep you in my prayers.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,306
Registered: ‎10-15-2010

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

[ Edited ]

@YorkieonmyPillow  My father did not attend my wedding and hasn't met my DH and my mom only met my now husband a month before we tied the knot. He didn't do anything to me, they are sadly not good parents. 

 

This still hurts me deeply. I would attend the wedding because frankly this is not about you or how you feel about him; this is about your daughter. IMO your place is to be there for her as the Mother of the Bride. My mother denied me this for my wedding and just attended as a regular guest. It is still very painful that my parents were not there for me 5 years later. I didn't deserve that.

 

You cannot choose her spouse and ultimately it's her choice. But you can choose to put your ill feelings aside, which I find as a daughter sorry to say, rather selfish. Your daughter didn't do anything to you to deserve your absence.

 

It was he who mistreated your daughter and in turn you are planning to do the same. Don't make your daughter pay for his mistakes. Your daughter needs your love and support. Show him and his mother that she is not alone. Otherwise, they may mistreat her even worse in the future.

 

Don't allow them to ruin the relationship with your precious daughter and tear your family apart. Rise to the occasion and do the right thing. 

 

 

~Live with Intention~
Regular Contributor
Posts: 243
Registered: ‎06-21-2017

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

The bride's parents traditionally host the wedding, especially when the bride is young. Would you refuse to do that? How did you find out that the boyfriend "abused" your daughter? Is she telling you his misdeeds or are you getting second hand information?

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,454
Registered: ‎01-13-2013

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

@NycVixen  Thanks, I think you are right.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 816
Registered: ‎06-04-2017

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

@YorkieonmyPillow I’m sorry you are going through this. It has to be causing you so much stress and sleepless nights. IMO if your daughter gets engaged to this “bleep” as the mother of the bride you need to go to the wedding. I know it will be very difficult but whatever this “bleep” did, I know you being a loving and caring person can do this. You will have your husband by your side as support. And think ahead to grandchildren. I don’t think you want to cause problems with your daughter and the possibility of not knowing your grandchildren. 

 

I agree with your husband. Try and not get stressed over this right now. It might not happen.  I will pray for your daughter that she will see this situation in a clearer light and move on. If it needs a miracle, they do happen. 

Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see. It is just a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly "You Got This - Keep Going"
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,076
Registered: ‎11-24-2013

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

@NycVixenWhat a thoughtful and kind post. It's sad that your mother has done this. You sound like a very wise woman.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,306
Registered: ‎10-15-2010

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

@lovemygrands Thank you for being so nice. I don't want another daughter to go through her wedding day without her mother being there. It's one of the most important days of her life and she needs her mom. 

~Live with Intention~
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,322
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

I feel for you. Watching your child make an awful life mistake while you can do nothing is heartbreaking. However, you must beware of the Romeo & Juliet effect. The more you protest their relationship, the closer they’ll become. It’s like an us-against-the-world phenomenon.

 

A good friend of mine bought a home with extra bedrooms so that when her daughter broke up with the bum she married, she’d have a place to come to with her children. Well, my friend was right in one respect. The marriage did break up...after  20 years! However, her daughter did not come to stay with her mother. She took her two teenagers and moved in with her new girlfriend. Truth can be stranger than fiction.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,596
Registered: ‎03-10-2013

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

I'm sorry for your dilemma but unfortunately you can't control another or their actions. What do you believe she sees in him? What does he have to offer? Praying for you and the rest of us struggling with family issues. 🙏🏼🙏🏼