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Valued Contributor
Posts: 877
Registered: ‎03-31-2010

Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

Hi everyone

This got longer than I planned. When I got divorced many years ago, I started dating someone who I was kind of familiar with and I think It was a situation that we were comfortable with each other and neither one one of us wanted to get married again or if ever so it worked well for us. He had 2 teenage kids 1F, 1M. They weren't overly friendly to me, but they weren't obnoxious. I know it was a lot to do with the situation. Didn't really bother me since I knew it wouldn't get serious. We were each others transition person. We dated a few years and then it got to be off & on for a few years, and then we split for good. I had not talked with him for several years now and it has been many, many years since I saw his kids. He had moved down to Atlanta area where his children are now, but I'm not sure how long he lived there. Sadly, he passed last month from cancer and a brain tumor. I only found out because his daughter posted it on facebook. Then I received a notice from her asking if I would come to the visitation. I was very surprised. (His funeral is not for 3 weeks. Don't know why it isn't being held until then.)

I had not planned on going to visitation or funeral since I had not seen him for so long.

I did tell her I would try to make it. 

If it were you, would you go? Would you feel weird? 

Thanks for listening

cookin

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,142
Registered: ‎06-08-2021

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

Why did the daughter want you to come?

 

No I probably wouldn't go, there's no reason, unless she's afraid no one else will be there?

Valued Contributor
Posts: 838
Registered: ‎02-16-2019

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

If it involved a lot of traveling and expense I probably wouldn't.  Maybe his daughter is feeling bad for the way she treated you and is trying to make it up to her father and you?

Regular Contributor
Posts: 237
Registered: ‎06-11-2021

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

@cookinfreak  Maybe you meant more to her than you thought.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,623
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

Yes, I would go.  It's closure.  She extended an olive branch and I would take it.  There's no harm in that.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,614
Registered: ‎06-10-2015

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

If it was very close I would consider stopping by the visitation and pay my respects but the funeral, no.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,849
Registered: ‎11-24-2013

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

@cookinfreak I wouldn't put out the money for travel, lodging and anything else to go to a visitation for a man I had no connection with for years.

 

Her request does NOT create an obligation for you.

 

I would tell her I can't make it and give no excuses. And no I would not feel weird.

 

It's history long in the past.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 27,454
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

I would not be swayed by the daughter's invitation.  If you want to go to the wake and funeral, then you should go.  But since you hadn't seen or spoken to each other in many years, you should not feel obligated to go.  You were not in each other's live so a letter of condolence or a sympathy card to the family is enough.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,422
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

@cookinfreak   If you had no intention of going in the first place, why would you go now?  Attending the service out of guilt or to "look good" in the eyes of others would not be the right reason to go.  If you have valid reasons to attend, then you should go.  Otherwise, a sympathy card with a heartfelt note and maybe flowers would be a nice gesture. 

 

You should definitely let her know beforehand though what your plans are.  If you decide not to go, a simple explanation that it's not possible for you to make the trip right now and an expressed "thank you" for her reaching out to you is all that's needed.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,736
Registered: ‎02-19-2014

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

You told her you would "try to make it," so I think you should do your best to show up. I think it would have been better if you hadn't said that, considering how ambivalent you actually feel.

 

But now that you've created that obligation for yourself with your own words, it's pretty much your duty to go if you reasonably can.

 

If you decide not to go, make sure to give an excuse and don't just blow her off. It's a small kindness you can do for a daughter who is mourning her father.

When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.
"Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr