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09-15-2022 05:50 PM
I feel you have gotten some excellent advice from those who have posted.
Weather you are swayed by his daughter reaching out to you or not, what does your heart say? I would let that be my guide. If you want to say goodbye, if it would give you closure, then go. We often lose track of people in our lives but please don't let that stop you if you wish to go. I think Frenchlop nailed it in that you may have meant more to her than you thought.
If not, I would reach out to his daughter with a lovely note and explain that you want to be there but cannot. There is no right and no wrong decision. Make the one that is right for you - good luck!
09-15-2022 05:56 PM
Do you want to go? If so go & pay your respects to a friend, it's wonderful that you had each other to deal with the life changes that come after a divorce. If not, send a condolence card with a thoughtful note. Be well @cookinfreak.
09-15-2022 06:01 PM
There isn't a right or wrong answer. It's up to you. Do you want to open that chapter of your life again, or just let it rest, Only you can decide that.
If no, just send a heartfelt card of condolence to his daughter. You don't have to say why you didn't attend. I'm sure she will understand.
09-15-2022 06:05 PM
@cookinfreak @mspatmac @chrystaltree @@@These events bring out all kinds of anxieties and emotions. But my take on it is she invited you for her father, not for herself, because at one time you and he were closely connected even if you weren't serious. It certainly doesn't mean you're obligated to go; it's completely up to you, or that's how I see it. If it would give you some kind of closure, or you're curious, then by all means go. If you're not comfortable with the idea, then don't go. If you'd like to send a card and not go, then you can do that! Or none of the above! I just don't think you have to do anything here unless you want to.
If I were in your shoes, from the situation as you've described it- if I had no feelings of sadness or loss I'd probably pass. Somehow I doubt she invited you out of guilt or wanting to make peace, because it doesn't sound like it was bad at the time. It just sounds like his kids were indifferent toward you and, if anything, that probably made things easier for you and him since you had no intentions of getting serious.
Again, my guess is she invited you to honor her father's memory. She probably asked everyone she could contact who knew her father.
Just my two cents.
09-15-2022 06:05 PM
Go. For whatever reason, it's meant to be.
09-15-2022 06:22 PM
@annie315 wrote:Go. For whatever reason, it's meant to be.
No it isn't "meant to be" it's only going to happen if she makes a decision she wants to go or not. You're suggesting our lives are not in our control.
09-15-2022 06:26 PM
If it were me, I absolutely would not go. Time is precious and I wouldn't spend the time on something from the past.
Another thing to think about, if it were you that passed, would he and his children be at your visitation.
09-15-2022 06:33 PM
@cookinfreak I've encountered something somewhat similar in a couple of relationships. And I did attend but kept in the background at the wake and funeral service but we both were in the same area of the state.
If you decide not to go, I would contact the daughter since she reached out to you and simply say circumstances have changed for you and you will not be able to attend.
I would then have a local florist send a basket arrangement of flowers to the funeral home and a modest memorial gift to a charity that he would have approved. The charity will notify the undertaker and/or family member in charge of your gift, but the charity DOES NOT disclose the amount of it.
aroc3435
Washington, DC
09-15-2022 06:44 PM
would i go = yes
would i feel weird = no
09-15-2022 06:53 PM
If I had not planned to go originally then I would not let her invitation to do so sway me...or make me feel guilty in any way for not attending. And honestly, it sounds a little odd that after all this time, and with you not being that close to his children in the first place, that she would even ask you to come. It also sounds like there might be some travel involved for you to attend so that would definitely be a major consideration if it were me.
Bottom line, whatever you choose, please feel good about your decision.
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