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Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,929
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

I thi9nk that some people only think that a person can look good when they are skinny as a stick. They are not necessarily correct in this.

Respected Contributor
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Registered: ‎03-09-2010
On 6/12/2014 NoelSeven said: Jules, I may understand what you're saying. It's a common complaint from people with a chronic illness. There it's about people who feel terrible on the inside and resent it that others don't see their pain. Does that fit?

Are you kidding me? How can others see your pain?

Super Contributor
Posts: 1,433
Registered: ‎03-10-2010
On 6/12/2014 NoelSeven said: Jules, I may understand what you're saying. It's a common complaint from people with a chronic illness. There it's about people who feel terrible on the inside and resent it that others don't see their pain. Does that fit?

How can others see your pain, if they haven't seen or heard from you in ages?

I'm not being snarky, just asking.

Was Yuban, then changed to Plaid Pants due to forum upgrade, and apparently, I'm back to being Yuban.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 26,549
Registered: ‎12-17-2012

Hi Jules ..... I feel she might have seen and felt a broken hearted, disheveled, slightly off her game, woman that needed a "pick me up", so to speak. Perhaps she was trying to provide that without the usual interigations that seem to follow. Woman loved to be complimented and I think that was her way of reaching out to you. A look into your eyes would tell her that things are not good. She was simply being kind when she didn't know what else to do. I believe we all do that at one time or another when we aren't sure what to say or how to react. Hang in there sweetie.{#emotions_dlg.wub}

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm." She whispers back, "I am the storm."

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,527
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

When I see someone who looks bad, tired, etc., the last thing I'd say is, "You look awful!! Have you been sick?"

When you got home, did you look in the mirror and see anything of what she said?

If not, maybe she was being kind.

*********************
Keepin' it real.
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,221
Registered: ‎08-09-2012

Hey, Jules. I think I understand more than I want to how you feel about that, and I also understand you feel very much alone right now - I know that feeling well. You've had such a difficult time recently, and you probably try to put on a good face when you go out. I learned at a fairly young age to push down my true feelings and not let others see. I've had some very difficult periods in my life, and during one of those times, I made a decision. Every day, I "put on my face with my makeup" -- meaning, I put on my makeup and along with it goes the "face" that I project to people, to hide the inner pain. What happened to cause me to live this way was so unfair, I have never forgotten it, and vowed that NO ONE, unless I chose to let them, would ever again know what I was truly feeling. I basically learned that very few people were ever going to really understand how I felt on the inside, so why let them hurt me by verifying that fact? Even when they know what I've been dealing with, unless they've experienced it personally andreally understand,walked in my shoesso to speak, sometimes they say the wrong thing (in my view) but don't even realize it. I'm way too sensitive to how others perceive me, so I try to project the same "personna" all the time. I guess it's because I know that they have no clue what really goes on with me. My own brother has no understanding at all why I'm the way I am (he's a wonderful person, by the way), and I've come to realize that he can't help it, that's the way he is, so I don't talk about how I truly feel to him because I know he doesn't know how to handle it.

I was my mother's part-time caregiver for five months before she passed away from a brain tumor 29 years ago. It was such a difficult time, we had wonderful ladies who stayed with her at home 24/7, but I had to pick one of them up and take her home, I was responsible for paying her bills, getting the groceries when I couldn't figure out what she might eat, getting her to radiation treatments (with as much help from my brother as he could provide-my sister lives out of town), all while I had a job and was raising a 15-year old boy by myself. My mother was my "saint", the one truly stable person in my life, and I felt that no one could possibly understand when I lost her. So as usual, I "put on my face with my makeup", and people said "I just don't know how you do it!" -- I just thought to myself, "and you never will know....."

If the person who complimented you hadn't seen you in a couple of months, sometimes even losing a few pounds can make us look different. And you probably didn't look "unhealthy" to her, even though you feel that way about yourself. We are always our own worst critic. I don't think anyone can ever truly "see" another person, and yes, it hurts not to have your pain recognized. I don't recommend my way to anyone, because it hurts to bury your feelings, especially if you don't have anyone to talk to who you think truly understands. I just hope you get yourself back to what you consider a healthy state, and can move on with your life. I know it will take time, but do take time for yourself now - you (and Mia) deserve it! (Sorry this is so long!)

Honored Contributor
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Registered: ‎05-10-2010

It's a sad state of affairs when people automatically equate losing weight with looking better. But it happens all the time! I've lost lots of weight over the years and it always irks me when someone sees me after I've lost weight and "congratulates" me on my weight loss. Or when they tell you how great you look....just because you lost weight. Because, of course, in their world a gorgeous, knock out who wears a size 18 is less attractive than a size 10 who dressed in rags and looking like something the cat dragged in. Your dad's passing, your loss, your feelings; that didn't even register on the ditso woman you bumped into. All she saw and all she thought about was your smaller size. It's underscored by the fact that so many of the women who responded to OP, don't even "get it".

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,248
Registered: ‎09-08-2010

Jules, I'm sorry for all you've been going through {#emotions_dlg.wub}

Super Contributor
Posts: 1,113
Registered: ‎08-13-2013
I went through the same thing as you did. Caring for my husband and even after he decided to go into hospice. I think I lost around 15 pounds. Everyone is telling me how great I looked and I thought to myself my husband is dying and you are focused on my weight?
Respected Contributor
Posts: 11,367
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Jules, I waited until this morning to comment.

I understand what you are saying and hope that you are doing some reading on grief and grief work. It helped me to understand all the things that were going on in my head. If you are not able to concentrate enough to read perhaps a book on tape would be useful.

((((hugs))))