Community Chat

[Moonchilde]

@software, I can tell that you do understand, as some of the dynamic you had was similar to some of mine. 

I don't "hate" my mom, but in my own mind at least, I can "confront" her memory and tell her she screwed up, and it hurt. And that's healthy, I think.

[Moonchilde]

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@hopi wrote:

You summed up a lifetime in a short post and if reading correctly your sister perceives  her experiences differently.  This post seems so unlike your nature to share your inner thoughts. It seems as we age we review our lives constantly and add judgement.

When our parents die our mortality becomes extremely apparent,  Reviewing life brings negative/positive aspects or both all the time.  At best just stay with positive thoughts about everything or anything and let the past go.

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My sister (who has passed on) simply had a very different personality than me, and was 9 years older. All of my experiences were not hers, nor did we both grow up with the same "family group." What bothered me, didn't bother her to the same degree simply because she didn't "need" what I craved in life. But she was aware of our mother's flaws, for sure. We had discussions.

[Moonchilde]

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@Noel7 wrote:

"Let the past go"... easier said than done.  Suppression doesn't do anyone any good. 

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That's the thing, @Noel7. I've (apparently, I honestly wasn't even aware) suppressed since childhood. And now that I'm not, and I'm looking at things honestly, I'm surprised at how I feel - but I know innately that I'm healthier now, feeling this, than I was before.

[Moonchilde]

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@hopi wrote:

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@Noel7 wrote:

"Let the past go"... easier said than done.  Suppression doesn't do anyone any good. 

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Dwelling on the past or negative thoughts can destroy health  and overwhelm life. No one said to suppress.  

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It depends on what one's definition of "dwelling on" is. There are some who would recommend never allowing such thoughts into one's head. Pretend it's not there. That was me 10 years ago. I can't think that was healthy; I actually feel free now. 

I'm not sure why you feel, simply because I posted, that this is affecting my health and/or that it has overwhelmed me; far from it. As I said, another thread and what people said there prompted me to post.

[CatsyCline]

@Moonchilde  i understand your feelings and i think i will feel the same way when my mother is gone.  it sounds harsh i guess, but ??

i have touched on my relationship with my mother...she has a narcissistic personality.  i feel i don't really know her. i've never really known her. she wasnt a huggy lovey kind of mom. she didnt want to start a family and i was an accident. she asked the doctor if he could "do something"  she was stuck with me - never happy with me. then my sister came along and she became the golden child (this is common with narcissistic mothers).

i have many memories and very few happy ones.  father and my mother were always at odds, mostly because he could not provide her the finer things in life.  she was very looks and image oriented...how we looked on the outside.  perfect outfits. she had a slim figure and beautiful legs  and dressed like Jackie Kennedy. she always seemed to think she was better than others.

i was run out of the house at 19.  my father's relatives from England came to stay for three months on summer holiday and he could not tell them to find other lodging ( our house was a tiny 2-bedroom bungalow). my mother worked and came home and catered to them.  i had been away all summer with a boyfriend and when i came back it was chaos being there. i had some bad personal things happen out west and i was hoping i could confide in her. instead she lashed out at me out  of frustration and resentment (that i had the audacity to come back home).  i was clinically depressed and she could not or would not see it.  i left to stay with my boyfreind, who i wasnt sure i even liked much.  i was confused and anxious; his family was big and loving...and they welcomed me with open arms. 

there is a lot more and it's convoluted and too long and tmi... i've had a LOT of therapy over the years.  i have had it out with her a number of times. she knew things about my former husband's sneaking around and she never said a word.   she will never say she is sorry.  she has never said to me this will always be your home.  i have had to let many many things go.  i wish i had had that friend relationship with her.  never have and never will...

[Moonchilde]

@september, in my mother's case she was shaped as a mother by her mother - which was not a good thing.

I know it's commonly said (so commonly that there must be truth in it) that people who were abused in some way become abusers, etc. I have always looked at it like if I was hurt by the way my mom treated me, the very last thing I'd do with my children is to behave the same way towards them. I wouldn't repeat the mistakes because of how bad I was made to feel. But plenty of people do, and part of it was my mom behaving towards me like her mother treated her. She did what she knew because...that was what she knew. But she also had to understand she could have gone a different way if she'd wanted to. That she didn't want to was what hurt me the most. It wouldn't have been difficult. It would just have meant the world wouldn't always have revolved around her wants and needs, but maybe once in a while, her children's.

[Moonchilde]

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@ANewHue wrote:

@Moonchilde   I could have written your post.  My mother is still alive but she is severely ill.   We were there for all our parents when they were dying but I predicted many decades ago what we are living through now.  On top of everything I just learned she made a mess of her estate and will be leaving me years of grief.  She wasn't a terrible person but no happy memories here  for sure.   Although she has grandchildren and great grandchildren (not mine) no one cares about her.  Boy, what a legacy she is leaving.  We have been running ourselves ragged for months and for one day she was herself.  I believe everything happens for a reason and I took the opportunity to blast her.  It makes me sad that she took me to that point.  With all you do and did for her it was never enough.  She is just a very ungrateful person.  She was always nicer to complete strangers. I just want to begin the healing process and live a life free of all this once and for all.

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@ANewHue, I so hear you. I didn't understand for many years, especially as a child, that my mother's primary concern throughout life was herself. But once she was away from my stepfather, boy, it was all mememe - to a ridiculous point. My mother was brilliant at being the sweet, funny little old lady (she was almost 95 when she passed) to strangers, but to her family (and not just me) she could be a manipulative tyrant. I won't give examples, but...yeah.  My mother's priorities were herself, money and men in that order. Her kids came a distant fourth.

I'm sorry you're going through this now.

[Moonchilde]

Thank you, @Pandalady :-)

[Moonchilde]

@q-girl, I would have been a far happier adult if I'd stopped seeking her approval in my 20s instead of in my 60s ;-( Thanks for your kind support.

[Moonchilde]

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@NycVixen wrote:

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@ANewHue wrote:

@Moonchilde   I could have written your post.  My mother is still alive but she is severely ill.   We were there for all our parents when they were dying but I predicted many decades ago what we are living through now.  On top of everything I just learned she made a mess of her estate and will be leaving me years of grief.  She wasn't a terrible person but no happy memories here  for sure.   Although she has grandchildren and great grandchildren (not mine) no one cares about her.  Boy, what a legacy she is leaving.  We have been running ourselves ragged for months and for one day she was herself.  I believe everything happens for a reason and I took the opportunity to blast her.  It makes me sad that she took me to that point.  With all you do and did for her it was never enough.  She is just a very ungrateful person.  She was always nicer to complete strangers. I just want to begin the healing process and live a life free of all this once and for all.

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@ANewHue@MoonchildeAs you may know, I'm dealing with a mother like this.

Moonchilde, this will sound harsh perhaps, but you're free. ANewHue and I are still dealing with them and I know you know how hard that was. I know that my mom's passing will be the only way I'll be really free because she always finds a way to hurt me even if I'm not talking to her.  My dad against my wishes decided to leave a monetary gift there, that she decided to take from me and send to my sister.

I wish her the best but I know that she's incapable of stopping her hatred and negativity on this earth. I think it's a good thing that you're realizing these things so you can let them go. In time, don't worry you will.

It's your time to be happy now. That day is closer than you think.

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@NycVixen, I did say in a later post that I do feel free now. I'm not happy she's gone, and she didn't actively torment me (well, only infrequently), but I didn't mean much to her growing up except as a burden. I think she saw the light in her last years, but how much she really loved me vs just saying the words - who knows. I now that her definition of the word isn't the same as mine. She was trying, and I acknowledge that and appreciate it, but when "damage" is done at the childhood level, it's damage you will always carry with you. Nothing to do with "letting go" or not hanging on to/living in the past - it affects you, however well you learn to live with it.

Good luck 😕