Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

Moonchilde · ‎05-23-2010

Another thread, about grieving, started me thinking about this. It was stated several times in that thread that it's natural, usual, common, understandable, etc for the adult child of a parent who dies to objectify them, see no wrong, defend them, see them only in a kind, loving light, etc.

I have had the opposite experience, and I wonder how common or uncommon it is. During her lifetime, my mother could do no wrong AFAIC. I loved her dearly - at least, I needed her presence in my life, and went through abuse (not physical) to maintain it. I would have done almost anything for her - and did do things I shouldn't have had to do in order to "stay loved."

I have found that since she died (3-1/2 years ago), there are literally almost no "happy" loving memories. She was not a touchy-feely person. She had a cold upbringing by a mother who disregarded her feelings, and she did the same to me - except when she needed something.

I had only one "how wonderful that my mom did that for me because she loves me" moment in my entire life. No happy holiday memories in a house full of warmth. No unselfish actions. No special gifts (not necessarily monetary) with love. Just, basically, self-interest and selfishness.

Since she died, all the anger I'd felt my whole life, I guess, has come bubbling up. My memories are all things where I was ignored, devalued, hurt, dismissed - nothing actually happy, because there wasn't any happy, it was all mere toleration. All the ways she screwed me up, really.

I didn't/don't hate my mother. I didn't have a ghastly, horrible childhood. She wasn't a horrible person. I guess I have "permission" in some way to actually feel like I have always felt without being able to give voice to it - and never realized it was all in me waiting to come out.

Those tempted to tell me how loving and perfect your family was - what's the point? This thread relates to parents who might easily have, but yet didn't, support their children emotionally.

I understand the many reasons probably why she was the way she was - but understanding doesn't help. Yes, there are reasons and in one sense it wasn't her "fault", but she also could have chosen to break away from her own history - and didn't. Because she didn't care enough. I had an older sister, and this all applies to her upbringing too - it's just that it didn't bother her, just me; different personalities.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has felt angry at their parent (and I don't mean for dying) after their death instead of ready to excuse them for anything now that they're gone.

Life without Mexican food is no life at all

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

@Moonchilde, I have no advice, just want to say I am sorry your childhood years were not the carefree, loving time you should have had.

alicedee · ‎07-25-2010

My parents made some mistakes....what parent doesn't? I haven't forgotten the things that were wrong.....but realize that they did the best they knew how with the tools they had....and I choose to "let them off the hook" for any negatives, and focus on the positives, which were many.

Obviously your hurt from past treatment runs deep. Perhaps you'd feel better if you talked to a therapist or clergy person.....it sounds like your mother inflicted a lot of pain through the years, and it might be helpful to you to work through that with a trained person.

I wish you well.

software · ‎06-08-2016

I could write a similar story but I had my epiphany at about age 30, my parents passed when I was 54. She wasn't bad but she was a drama queen. Had to be the center of attention, resented any success I achieved and dwelled on and reminded me of any failures I experienced.

I always felt she mistreated my dad with all her crazy demands and drama. When she and I were at odds, he would always take her side, like a good husband, even if she was wrong. I am an only child and I always felt, even as a child that I was an annoyance to her. I know she "loved" me, she cared for me but she was ridiculously strict and I was over-disciplined. Even her friends and relatives tried to appeal to her but she wouldn't budge.

I grew up angry and I'm still angry but not as bad as I was. I've learned to understand and control all my emotions.

As a child I thought my parents were flawless, wonderful people. By the time I was an adult, I learned otherwise.

Don't feel guilty about accepting the truth. No one's parent is perfect. My mother was raised in a big family by alcoholics. While I wish I had a different experience growing up, I've forgiven her. It wasn't easy but staying angry wasn't doing me any good.

@Moonchilde

hopi · ‎03-09-2010

You summed up a lifetime in a short post and if reading correctly your sister perceives her experiences differently. This post seems so unlike your nature to share your inner thoughts. It seems as we age we review our lives constantly and add judgement.

When our parents die our mortality becomes extremely apparent, Reviewing life brings negative/positive aspects or both all the time. At best just stay with positive thoughts about everything or anything and let the past go.

Lapdog · ‎12-18-2012

I keep returning to your letter @Moonchilde. I also have no insight other than to offer you my hand and my shoulder.

I believe talking about this to anyone that you care to, will help you. My best friend had to deal with childhod trauma later in life and talking to someone helps. She had flashbacks from it.

I go to therapy myself to deal with anxiety from trauma.

Please hold your head high and just know that you did nothing wrong and you absolutely did not deserve any of it.

You were an innocent precious child and inside you still are.

Noel7 · ‎03-09-2010

"Let the past go"... easier said than done. Suppression doesn't do anyone any good.

SunValley · ‎04-19-2010

@Moonchilde I understand completely; in my case it was my father. Sadly, I imagine there a number of posters who can relate.

hopi · ‎03-09-2010

@Noel7 wrote:
"Let the past go"... easier said than done. Suppression doesn't do anyone any good.

Dwelling on the past or negative thoughts can destroy health and overwhelm life. No one said to suppress.

september · ‎03-09-2010

@Moonchilde I appreciate your honesty, and I do get where you're coming from. Sometimes, we see things in hindsight, that weren't apparent to us in the moment.

That said...I come from a large family, and my siblings and I all have different impressions of our childhoods. It seems like some of us "clicked" with our parents, while others didn't.

Having been a parent myself (as well as a stepparent), the same thing happened with the next generation. One out of six children, chose to have no relationship with his dad....while the others were quite close.

I feel like most parents do the best they can.