Community Chat

[Moonchilde]

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@reiki604 wrote:

@Moonchilde I relate to your post in more ways than one. I came to certain realizations about my mom and our relationship that were difficult to deal with. Just know that there is support and compassion out here for your past experiences. It is part of your story but not your definition.

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That's exactly it, @reiki604 - part of me but not defining me. Thank you.

[Moonchilde]

That's so sad, @mistriTsquirrel. I'm sorry for you and your family.

"Understanding" was our tricky part. Sometimes I coud mention something to her from the past and she would agree that it was an unhappy thing and she shouldn't have done it and was sorry, and apologize for it. Another time (or half an hour later) she'd go ballistic at the mere menton of anything she did "wrong." (And no, she had no dementia.) I think she knew very well all the times and areas where she behaved badly, and she didn't want or need anyone to remind her. And I was never sure whether her apologies were sincere and heartfelt or just to placate me/pat me on the head because she didn't want to alienate me at that point.

[Moonchilde]

Thank you, @Drythe. Yeah, a lot of your experience was me too. Much of my resentment comes not from her abuse (emotional) but that she enabled my stepfather to emotionally abuse me and totally went along with it because he was far more important to her than my sister and I were. She told us that once.

[Moonchilde]

@CatsyCline, I didn't come to understand until I was probably in my 40s that my grandmother probably never wanted my mother, and that my mother never especially wanted me or my sister - but in my mother's generation, being married and having babies was what women did. Same for my grandmother.  But she never had another child after my mother. And my mother never felt loved either - nor was she, that I could ever tell from the few years I was around my grandmother. Oy...!

My mom was never motherly, never lovey except perhaps when I was a toddler. Her kids were a responsibility, not something she would ever consider putting above her own needs and wants. And yes, she was very self-centered and creature comfort oriented.

I'm glad that therapy has helped you. Talking to myself for many hours and days has been my therapy.

[mistriTsquirrel]

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@Moonchilde wrote:

That's so sad, @mistriTsquirrel. I'm sorry for you and your family.

"Understanding" was our tricky part. Sometimes I coud mention something to her from the past and she would agree that it was an unhappy thing and she shouldn't have done it and was sorry, and apologize for it. Another time (or half an hour later) she'd go ballistic at the mere menton of anything she did "wrong." (And no, she had no dementia.) I think she knew very well all the times and areas where she behaved badly, and she didn't want or need anyone to remind her. And I was never sure whether her apologies were sincere and heartfelt or just to placate me/pat me on the head because she didn't want to alienate me at that point.

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@Moonchilde 

Sounds similar to my mom.  Except for the fact that my mother has demanded that I never bring up things she has done wrong as a mother ever again.  I told her I would agree to that if she would agree to stop telling me about things her mother did that hurt her.  She was appalled and accused me of trying to get back at her.  I told her I wasn't going to listen to her complain about Grandma when she acted the same way as a mother that Grandma did.  Pretty sure she hung up on me at that point. 

I love her, but there are certain things about her that are...just too much.

[software]

The book Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend changed my life.   Growing up in Sunday School you learn to honor your mother & father.   It's a Commandment, with a capital C.  But having Boundaries taught me you don't allow anyone to abuse you, even as you honor your parents.   It breaks my heart to see grown men & women cruelly manipulated by their parents thinking they are obeying God's word.

In many cases, the old saying, the truth hurts, is actually very true.   But reality will eventually ease the pain of truth.   It was easier for me because I had no siblings to perpetuate the fantasy.

When I finally had THAT talk with my mother, telling her she could no longer tell me what to do then criticize me for doing it, she feined a heart attack.   My dad wouldn't speak to me for weeks.   But she did get over it and for me, we had a better relationship.   It didn't change her, but it changed my perspective and she could no longer pierce my heart with her nonsense.   And she quit trying so much.

The best news in all this is I think I broke the chain.    I was not a perfect mother but I allowed my kids more freedom than I had.    I disciplined with love and not a paddle.   There was no drama in the house.    My kids are great and now that they are grown we have a wonderful ADULT relationship.   And they are wonderful parents also.

[LTT1]

@software

You were very smart to have "the '[straight] talk" with your mom.

I wish I had done this. We never established an adult relationship in many regards. It can make a positive difference in my opinion.

The fact that you have successfully raised your kids into shining adults is an excellent testimony to the way you raised them based on changing patterns in your adult relationship with your mom.❤️

[Harpa]

I just lost my mother yesterday, but it was a long good-bye, since she was no longer able to communicate with me for many months.

I'm a realist, so I know the faults as well as the virtues. Whenever we come to terms with truth, it is healing.

However, just like in my relationship w/ my husband or other family members, I do not dwell on past mistakes or faults. Would I like it if they dwelt on mine, and never saw any good points?

But to stagnate on any particular thing (good or bad) may not be beneficial, I find. You just be honest, recognize, learn and then move on.

[LTT1]

@Moonchilde

Ditto nearly everything you wrote.

In my 30's, life slowed down a bit. As a SAHM, I started to grapple with understanding my relationship with my mom.

I saw a psych to ask for perspective on this because it was eating away at me.  I felt I needed help and I needed it FAST.  I can only speculate that I sought help so as to not inflict damage on our daughter.

I was told that she was narcissistic.  My brother was her "golden child."  Once, she questioned me about my behavior toward her and I told her "You know why." THUD no response.

To be honest,  I do think dementia for her started early.

Generationally speaking,  she was the typical,  stifled 50's housewife.  Drinking cocktails each night (to excess) and depressed.  Not "mom" material.  And NOT my friend!

To her credit,  she knew I was strong,  a "survivor"  as she was proud to say.  And she was wise in this regard and RIGHT.

[Laura14]

@Harpa  I am sorry to hear that.  Hugs to you.  

@Moonchilde  I have no idea if my father is alive or not.  He was the definition of how to not to treat a child but I really do believe that people do the best they know how to at the time they do or don't do.  My kind of forgiveness which absolutely doesn't excuse his behavior but allows me to let it all go and move on.  

I think it is very insightful to recognize that parents are human too with their own set of mental health and emotional challenges.  I also have a very difficult relationship with my mother.  I know she loves me but she doesn't understand me or my choices and I finally grew tired in my 40s of always being her rock and not being at the very least respected like my siblings are.  The challenges with her continue.  

You are entitled to your feelings and good for you for being honest with them and yourself.  I'm proud of you if that means anything from a stranger and you've already seen throughout this post how much you are admired by myself and others.  You are a beautiful spirit and a testament that your mom did something very right even if it was just showing how not to be in this world with your child.