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Honored Contributor
Posts: 29,790
Registered: ‎08-23-2010

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

While I'm unclear as to the connection with the OP and her "friend",  each person has to set the appropriate boundaries in any given situation.

 

There are people who are just "energy vampires" and will take all they can from you .....  if you're so inclined to give that to them, well, fine.    

 

However, there ARE qualified professionals ....  priests, ministers, therapists, even support groups ....  that people can be referred to, and you'd be doing them a favor.   

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,153
Registered: ‎05-22-2012

Re: I have a question and need advice please!


@Tinkrbl44 wrote:

While I'm unclear as to the connection with the OP and her "friend",  each person has to set the appropriate boundaries in any given situation.

 

There are people who are just "energy vampires" and will take all they can from you .....  if you're so inclined to give that to them, well, fine.    

 

However, there ARE qualified professionals ....  priests, ministers, therapists, even support groups ....  that people can be referred to, and you'd be doing them a favor.   


 

Energy vampires has always been the term I've used for them, too.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,493
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

If this is only happening at work, I think the solution is easy.  Just tell her it sounds like things haven't improved since you last talked and you hope life smooths out for her but you have work to do and move on.  

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,877
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

[ Edited ]

@NycVixen wrote:

@IamMrsG wrote:

NycVixen wrote, in part: "I would tell her that I've been suffering from chronic migraines or headaches for the last few days and that you have to lie down. Each time I saw her I would stick to the story that I was not feeling well and be on my way...."

She might indeed be lonely or unhappy.  Either way, I'd never advise someone to lie.    


I see your point but your advice to keep telling the person that you are busy and must run I find to be insensitive. My whole angle is not to make the person feel worse when they are already lonely, stressed and have no one to talk to. I'm sure every time the OP tells her she has to run is not completely honest either. I find telling someone that wants to talk to me that I am always busy harsh.


I think that depends on the way you do it.  I really truly am often in a rush, but I'm pretty good at quickly greeting people as I go on my way.  I've never had anyone get upset, or stop speaking to me, or anything like that.  As long as I see a welcoming smile when they see me, I know that I'm doing it right.  And really, it's not that hard. Chat briefly, be nice, and keep a smile on your face.  Touch their arm, give a compliment, whatever feels right, as you keep it short and then go on your way.  I go by my instincts, and they haven't let me down yet!

 

 When I'm out & about, I usually AM busy and in a hurry, so I don't really see it as much of a lie.  

 

I would far rather have someone stretch the truth a bit by saying they were in a hurry ("Sorry, I'm running late!") than telling me an outright lie ("I have chronic migraines and have to lie down.")  I think that's far more hurtful because people can often see through lies like that.  And one lie leads to another, and the whole thing can become overly-complicated.  I think it's really disrespectful to do something like that.  JMO.

 

eta:  I just wanted to add that I have sometimes told people, "Sorry, it's not a good time for me", and that has worked well too.  As long as you're nice, you don't have to over-explain or really explain at all.

 

 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,146
Registered: ‎06-15-2015

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

Thank you so much everyone. Great advice that I am going to take. Be polite and in a hurry. Like a few posters said she does dump her problems on me. She is in her 30's and not lonely. She loves drama I don't I'm to old for that. I listened in the past and she knew I would so now I must draw boundaries. Keep posting I enjoy your thoughts on this. I know I now can work through this. 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,833
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

"How are you?"    "Well, I'll know as soon as I see the doctor.  Have an appointment in 15 minutes, so I have to run.  Nice to see you again".

Honored Contributor
Posts: 36,671
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

There's a nice old guy on my block.... who feels compelled to know what everyone is doing.  Despite the way I run my mouth in this community, I'm really quiet and don't want to know anyone's business.  I've lived in my house almost 14 years and don't know many of the neighbor's by name.  I'm a waver and a hello-er as I pass by :-)

 

In May, I put a couch to the curb.  Old guy (he has a wife and family) comes up to my door, bangs on the door and asks me about the couch.  I told him he could have it.  I think he wondered if I was moving because I had freecycled quite a few furniture pieces the day before.  He just had to talk about the sofa.

 

I just had a long weekend - Friday and Monday off.  He saw me cut the grass on Friday.  Ysterday I come home from the store and park the car in the driveway.  I go in the house, grab a roll of paper towel and some glass cleaner.  I have Ed Sheeran not quite blaring on the car stereo and all the doors and the back hatch open so I have air flow because the glass cleaner is stinky. 

 

I'm minding my own business and he comes up and says, so are you on vacation or just having a couple of days off?  Man did that ever tick me off.  I took a deep breath and smiled and said, well I'm cleaning the car windows right now.  At this time I have to turn Ed off because the old guy ain't leaving and Ed drops the F bomb in one of the songs :-)

 

So we start talking about the construction underway on the street.  I mention in passing that the local school won't allow any of us to park in their lot and that I think it's rude and will remember that next time there's a millage (lol).

 

So the old guy says, I'll talk to the mayor at his next open hour (when citizens can meet with the mayor).  I tell him, no worries, I already have a place to plop the car when they get to my side of the street.  He insists on talking to the mayor for me.  I insist there is no need.  He insists he will.

What could have been a pleasant task ended up annoying me.

 

As far as the lady who complains to you about her issues - honestly, if it were me, I would tell her that it makes me uncomfortable that she shares such private things with me.

 

 

 

There are many elements: wind, fire, water
But none quite like the element of surprise
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Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,847
Registered: ‎08-29-2010

Re: I have a question and need advice please!


NycVixen wrote, in part: "IamMrsG - LOL.... This is NOT this serious really OMG. Seriously, no need to use my quote against me, this is not a court of law by any means. You advised the OP to always say she is busy and has to run. No absolute is always true so that is a lie too..."  

 

NycVixen, I wasn't trying to use anything against you.  I do find it a disconnect to advise someone to 'white' lie, then to claim to live with intention.  Sorry, the two do not mesh for me.

 

Another point of disagreement between us is as to how serious 'white' lies are.  I have an abiding respect for truth and honesty.  It is very important to me.  If you cannot give me truth, you have nothing to offer.  And, for what it's worth, 'white' lies are lies.  

 

In no way would I suggest being harsh, disrespectful or rude to this woman the OP asked us about.  Conversely, I would respect her enough to give her truth by saying I am too busy to stop and talk--which is my right.  After all, it is my time, and I alone get to determine how to use it.   In return, I should expect her to respect my time. 

 

 

Strive for respect instead of attention. It lasts longer.
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,580
Registered: ‎06-15-2015

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

 

 

I read Post #5 by "tinkerbell(wrong spelling)" and saw nothing about lying". Oh well, not a big deal to me. There isn't a person around here that ain't told a "little white one", is there"?


@IamMrsG wrote:

hckynutjohn wrote:  
I didn't hear or read anyone say they were lying. Myself?  I just say what I mean and it is the truth.


Page 1, post 5, John.


 

 

 

 

hckynut(john)
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,542
Registered: ‎05-13-2010

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

John--I agree--that is why they are called white.