Community Chat

[goldensrbest]

Losing those you love,is extremely hard,  for myself my son by far is worst, then my husband, my dad died in 1991,61 yrs.old ,my mom is 85 ,failing health, you can not prepare.

[Spurt]

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@Laura14 wrote:

This past weekend, we laid my uncle to rest after years with Parkinson's. 

My mom (his sister) has been making comments in the past year or so about not being here much longer.   I get the train of thought.  She is about 5-7 years from when her parents and now sibling passed. 

She keeps up with her doctor's appointments and just had her annuals and, apparently came through with flying colors so nothing is imminent.

She said yesterday she has a lot to get done before she dies in fixing up the house where I live so that it's saleable for us when she goes and she's been at it for two weeks now.  It really hit me hard and I broke down a bit last night. 

How do or did you guys handle actually being alone in the world without your mom or dad?  I know it's coming at some point and everyone goes through it but the anxiety is really getting to me. 

I am kind of in a unique position in that I never married or had kids so my whole world is going to change forever in literally every way from not having my home anymore to possibly having to leave my job so I can move elsewhere to losing touch with my sisters who have their own families.

Just wondering if you guys have any advice for preparing for "that day" or if you just have to put it out of your mind and deal the best you can with it when it happens?

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@Laura14 

You can never prepare for it........

Slowly it just happened to our family (and you know how Italian sides of the family are).....first we lost grandparents, great aunts/great uncles, then uncles and and an aunt, and even a cousin), my parents divorced late in life, and my dad moved out of state, we found out through the grapevine when he passed. .....My mom had heart problems, but after her bypass surgery the doctor said she was doing well although he predicted about a 10 year additional life span....well 4 months later she passed away...😥😥😥  ...Its also worse when other close living relatives, live out of state, (in my case a brother/SIL/nephews and a neice)---No way am I moving to one of the most expensive places in the U.S, and a place I detest at that, so we stay in touch via phone and social media....

What was really sad....is my aunt was the only one left of her sister and brothers and it was tough and very lonely for her.....so my sis and I made sure to include her in a lot of fun excusions and events...

So today---instead of big family gatherings its just my sister, and another brother, and a few cousins who get together...We do like to recall and talk about special childhood and other special memories, and enjoy looking at old photos. ....  But we still miss them----its just not the same for the holidays and weekend gatherings, and special occasions...😥😥😥😥😥  We've added other "orphan" friends to our group on holidays.

I will tell you one thing....as my aunt said....it does help the survivors a LOT to take care of all the legal stuff, and have all the final arrangements made, and have the financial things in order because its really tough to go through all the emotional stuff and then have to deal with other financial and legal stuff.... which is a royal pain!

[Laura14]

Thanks @Spurt .  You'll appreciate this. 

My uncle was a character and one of the stories told at his funeral was how, in the end stages of parkinsons which totally debilitates you, my uncle still managed to make an obscene gesture toward his kids who sped past his car on the road while we were all traveling to a party last year.  

So now, in tribute, any time we say hi or goodbye to that side of the family, we throw the "up yours" Italian style in memory of him.  You should have seen the faces of the other funeral parties as they were solemnly saying goodbye to their loved ones in the adjoining rooms and we Italians are howling in laughter throwing obscene hand and arm gestures at each other. 

Just can't take us Italians anywhere, even in death.   

[Spurt]

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@Laura14 wrote:

Thanks @Spurt .  You'll appreciate this. 

My uncle was a character and one of the stories told at his funeral was how, in the end stages of parkinsons which totally debilitates you, my uncle still managed to make an obscene gesture toward his kids who sped past his car on the road while we were all traveling to a party last year.  

So now, in tribute, any time we say hi or goodbye to that side of the family, we throw the "up yours" Italian style in memory of him.  You should have seen the faces of the other funeral parties as they were solemnly saying goodbye to their loved ones in the adjoining rooms and we Italians are howling in laughter throwing obscene hand and arm gestures at each other. 

Just can't take us Italians anywhere, even in death.   

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@Laura14 

My side aches from laughing about that story you shared about your uncle ......🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 so so typical and relatable....

And the "up yours" and other special hand signals, are some of the most fond cherished memories with our family too...  

[germanshepherdlove]

@Laura14 I keep busy but I can tell you quite frankly that when I lay my head down to sleep a lot of different emotions enter my brain quite unexpectedly.  It's not easy getting over loss and it continues even after many years go by.  If you don't have a boyfriend, I urge you to put yourself out there and find a good one.  You will be so glad you did.  

[shoptilyadropagain]

Hugs and prayers to you and your mom!

I lost my dad 4 years ago.  He was pretty sick the last 1.5 years of his life,  He spent about 4 months in a couple of hospitals and had 5 surgeries. when he was home, there were countless doctor's visits, etc.  Without a doubt, he suffered some but it could have been a whole lot worse.  As a Christian, I was truly happy for him when he passed.  He no longer had limitations and was free from all the sickness and disease he went through the last year and a half of his life.  It's still hard and I miss him terribly but knowing he is in a better place helped me tremendously in coping with it all.  

[SXMGirl]

@Laura14  I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I do think that it is normal for your mother to feel like she may not be here very long after losing her brother.  As people get older and realize how many years are behind them, it is easy to fall into thinking about their own longevity.

For me, the only constant person in my life since I was 11 is DH.  He is the one person who I can depend on.  When he was diagnosed with cancer many years ago, I started making a definite plan for myself.  I would encourage you to do the same.  It is not always easy to get started, but once you have a plan, you will feel more positive about it.

People cannot always depend on their children, their relatives, or their friends.  Decide where you would ultimately want to live.  Determine if you will have the necessary funds.  If not, start saving now.  If you have a financial advisor, let the advisor in on your plans to make sure that you can finance them.  If you do not have outside interests, get some to widen your circle of friends.  Usually there is someone who can step in and help, if necessary.  None of us know what the future will bring for any of us.  If you have a religious advisor, speak to him/her.  The more you do for youself, the better you will feel.

I would also encourage you to speak with your mother about her comments.  She may not realize how distressed you are. Find out the real reason for her comments.  Growing up, I knew someone who always told his kids that he would die soon and they were very worried, always expecting the worse.  He was very old when he died.  Get it out in the open so that you both can put it behind you.

[Laura14]

@SXMGirl   Thank you!  Already doing some of this and will try to start to do the rest.  

[SunSprite]

Burt Reynolds and Goldie Hawn were in a movie together years ago; I think it was called "Best Friends".

I don't remember anything about that movie, except for one scene where Goldie was explaining to Burt that sometimes when she was alone she would pretend that her parents had died......so she could start preparing for that feeling when it did happen.

I'm hoping that Burt gave Goldie the same advice you've been given here; that even when you try to prepare you still aren't going to be ready emotionally. Both of my parents are still living, and I have to actively try NOT to dwell on losing them. I want to feel genuine happiness and joy when we're all together (hurry up and get over with Covid!) and I don't want premature grief taking up any of that room that laughter should be in. 

I think my advice to you would be live (really live) in the current moment. Sure you need to be prepared financially......but the rest of it? Let it wait. Enjoy your relationship now, without the burden of what might be coming down the road. 

For some reason I picture you and your Mom having some really good laughs together---maybe it's all the little anecdotes you've shared regarding your Mom.

Get as many of those shared laughs and smiles in as you can; they will bring you so much comfort later.  

[ThinkingOutLoud]

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@Laura14 wrote:

@ThinkingOutLoud   I'd love that.  I actually have a lot of groups on Facebook based on a couple of my hobbies but if you know of some other good ones, I am all eyes.  

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Here's an option: 

https://www.facebook

DOT

com/pg/womenover50makingnewfriends/groups/?referrer=pages_groups_card_cta

There are links to 4 different groups for you to choose what works best for you.