Community Chat

[shoekitty]

When you forgive someone, you really do it for yourself. You don't have to even like the person you forgive or associate with them. And you don't have to forget. But forgiving to me, sets me free. It helps in time so I do not obsess on the matter, and let it eat away at my soul. It frees my soul a bit so I can live my life with more comfort. Sometimes forgiveness is what the other person needs as well to change the course of their life forever, (for the better). Everyone is different, and forgiveness has to come from their heart. So I cannot judge their pain or tell them how to feel.

I do know a couple people who have allowed bitterness to gnaw away at them so much it has consumed their life and those around them. So badly, that they loose friends, spouses, etc, because it is so negative and depressing being around them. They never move forward out of the moment they were hurt or maligned.

It is up to each person to decide what they want to do.` I have had to do this twice in my life. It is not easy.

[NC Bandwagon]

I honestly don't see where happy housewife judged anyone. Sorry, I just don't.

As for forgiving, it takes some people time to move on from things. Certainly one shouldn't hold a grudge if they can help. It's not really good for your health and the person who did the hurting really isn't losing any sleep at night over their wrongdoing. Not saying to be best chums and pals with them. Just try to do the best you can to not let it rule you, because then it kind of gives the person who did the hurting more power.

Just my opinion.

@HAPPY housewife, I'm am deeply sorry that you lost your husband. Did his attacker at least get arrested? (sorry if I'm prying too deep)

[AngelPuppy1]

happyhousewife --- Boy, you sure hit the nail on the head! And thank you for posting this and at such an appropriate time. The holidays can be very difficult when family members gather and not everyone really gets along.

It is very hard to put past hurts behind you. Probably one of the most difficult things ever.

I certainly don't see eye to eye with many things that some family members do and say. I love them but can't always get along with them. At times I feel like no matter how hard I try to make peace, there's just no pleasing them.

Not forgiving, puts a led weight around your heart which becomes heavier and heavier to lug around. When you don't forgive, it harms you, more than the person you have not forgiven.

[Marianne1]

On 11/23/2014 NC Bandwagon said:

I honestly don't see where happy housewife judged anyone. Sorry, I just don't.

As for forgiving, it takes some people time to move on from things. Certainly one shouldn't hold a grudge if they can help. It's not really good for your health and the person who did the hurting really isn't losing any sleep at night over their wrongdoing. Not saying to be best chums and pals with them. Just try to do the best you can to not let it rule you, because then it kind of gives the person who did the hurting more power.

Just my opinion.

@happy housewife, I'm am deeply sorry that you lost your husband. Did his attacker at least get arrested? (sorry if I'm prying too deep)

Did you miss these statements?

"But some families wallow in it and other ones forgive and forget - and that is the only difference between the happy families and the dysfunctional ones."

"Some people choose to wallow in their painful memories - yes they do - as someone else said , they hold onto it like it is gold. It then destroys their lives."

"You confuse them when you use reason and common sense."

Sounds kind of judgmental to me. We all deal with things in our lives differently, but the OP seems to want to tell us that if we do not "forgive" in the manner she prescribes, then we are wallowing, destroying our lives, and creating a dysfunctional family.

[NC Bandwagon]

On 11/23/2014 Complicated said:

On 11/23/2014 NC Bandwagon said:

I honestly don't see where happy housewife judged anyone. Sorry, I just don't.

As for forgiving, it takes some people time to move on from things. Certainly one shouldn't hold a grudge if they can help. It's not really good for your health and the person who did the hurting really isn't losing any sleep at night over their wrongdoing. Not saying to be best chums and pals with them. Just try to do the best you can to not let it rule you, because then it kind of gives the person who did the hurting more power.

Just my opinion.

@happy housewife, I'm am deeply sorry that you lost your husband. Did his attacker at least get arrested? (sorry if I'm prying too deep)

Did you miss these statements?

"But some families wallow in it and other ones forgive and forget - and that is the only difference between the happy families and the dysfunctional ones."

"Some people choose to wallow in their painful memories - yes they do - as someone else said , they hold onto it like it is gold. It then destroys their lives."

"You confuse them when you use reason and common sense."

Sounds kind of judgmental to me. We all deal with things in our lives differently, but the OP seems to want to tell us that if we do not "forgive" in the manner she prescribes, then we are wallowing, destroying our lives, and creating a dysfunctional family.

Hello, Complicated.

Yes, I saw her posts and (please don't get angry at me for posting what I'm about to post).....in a way, she's right. Forgiveness doesn't mean inviting the person back into your life and wanting to have dinner with them. It means not letting the bad things that happened to you control you. Some people do let it control them.

Like it or not, unforgiveness may cause stress, which might lead to health problems. Aside from that, unforgiveness may cause a person to lash out at innocent people in their lives, not intentionally of course, but it can happen.

So, in my opinion, forgiveness doesn't mean being all friendly to the person who hurt you. On the contrary, staying away from someone like that would be better for one's health. Nothing would give the person who hurt you more joy than to know that they still have a hold of power over you, even if they're not their to do it. Not telling anyone what to do or how to do it, but forgiveness is literally important for the person who got hurt because they need it to heal both mentally and physically. A person would be literally sentencing themselves through a slow, torturous process that may end up hurting both themselves and their loved ones. And the person who did the hurting won't lose a wink of sleep and may even be happy knowing that they "conquered another one."

With that said, almost everyone forgives differently and in their own time.

[Marianne1]

done

[newziesuzie]

On 11/19/2014 free-spirit said:

I keep the following taped up next to my PC.

From Forgive for Good by Dr Fred Luskin:

What Forgiveness Is:

Forgiveness is for you and not the offender.

Forgiveness is taking back your power.

Forgiveness is taking responsibility for how you feel.

Forgiveness is about your healing and not about the people who hurt you.

Forgiveness helps you get control over your feelings.

Forgiveness can improve your mental and physical health.

Forgiveness is becoming a hero instead of a victim.

Forgiveness is a choice.

Everyone can learn to forgive.

What Forgiveness Is Not:

Forgiveness is not condoning unkindness.

Forgiveness is not forgetting that something painful happened.

Forgiveness is not excusing poor behavior.

Forgiveness is not denying or minimizing your hurt.

Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the offender.

Forgiveness does not mean you have to give up having feelings.

Very nice.