Sensitive Topic Regarding Mom's Burial - Page 3

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

I had just turned 14 when my paternal grandmother died. I never saw my grandmother wear anything but print house dresses and aprons, but my aunts chose a pale blue shroud for her to be buried in. It just didn't seem right to dress Grandma up in something fancy at the end of her life, when she didn't get to enjoy anything fancy before she died, but mom assured me "this was the way things were done".

My maternal uncle, and both grandpas were our next losses, and all were decked out in suits in their caskets. None of them had ever worn a suit before, didn't even own a suit at the time they died, but they were buried in one. I'd never seen my paternal grandpa in anything but overalls and white t-shirts, and I thought that is what he should've been dressed in for burial. I was not happy with how any of them looked, but again I was assured "this is the way things are done".

In 1984 I lost another uncle, who made it very clear he was not to be buried in a suit. My aunt had him dressed in the outfit he always wore to church; jeans and a casual button up shirt. Finally, a relative who looked natural in death.

My mom never even thought about putting my dad in a suit. He was dressed in the same dress clothing he wore when he worked as a furniture salesman, and we all knew that would've been what he wanted.

Based on seeing and hearing "this is the way things are done" way too many times, I have lived my life looking at things differently, and doing what feels right.

I totally support your decision @house_cat. My deepest sympathy in your loss.

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

@house_cat, I'd say your choice (1st one) is just fine. Sorry for your loss.

mima · ‎03-14-2010

I'm sorry for your loss. Your choice sounds perfect.

When my dad was buried back in 1980 my mom told the mortuary that she wanted the tie removed from dad before he was buried. He also hated ties. It dawned on her after the burial that they never returned the tie. It bothered her after that and she wishes she would have reminded them. She didn't know if they took it off and forgot to give it back or if they didn't take it off.

When My SIL was buried, she was buried in her pajamas. She made her wishes known that she wanted to be comfy! I'm not joking.

My brother was buried in his favorite shirt which was very casual. He wore it all the time and it kind of became his signature shirt. Everyone loved it!

I sure don't want to be buried in a dress. I hate them. I want a nice top and jeans on. For real!

Nightowlz · ‎03-11-2010

Sorry for the loss of your parents. What you picked out sounds really nice. If she did not leave you her wishes all you can do is what you think is best.

I know my dad bought a suit & had it tailored so it would fit him.

My oldest brother was buried wearing an Hawaiian shirt & shorts. He loved Hawaii the beach the flowers etc. Flowers from Hawaii were flown in for his funeral. They served Margaritta's at the graveside service.

Firefly3 · ‎03-10-2010

I think you are giving her a beautiful outfit to wear. I am sorry but please take care of yourself and take time to think gentle thoughts!

I always missed my Mom so much and still do!

151949 · ‎03-09-2010

My parents had preplanned their own funerals and my Mom chose to be laid out in a pretty peach , fancy nightgown type thing. Ok with me - she picked it so I guess it was what she wanted.

goldensrbest · ‎03-10-2010

What you picked out sounds nice, i knew some one that was buried in a new night gown,and robe set, it really does not matter.

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

@house_cat, so very sorry for your loss.

If your mother did not express exactly what clothing or what type of clothing she wished to be buried in, then I think the decision is up to you and you should go with what you think will look appropriate, and not allow yourself to second guess or feel guilty in any way.

The way I see it, we have a lifetime to make our final wishes known, and when people don't leave explicit directions about things, it just wasn't that important to them.

I think your questioning is coming from the way she laid others to rest. What you have to ask yourself is was she doing it because those people requested it or expected it to be done that way, and she was simply fulfilling their wishes, or was she doing it because she thought that is what society (or family) expected her to do?

In general, most things these days are much more casual than in the past, up to and including laying someone to rest. I think the clothing you chose is a very nice compromise between well dressed and comfortable and familiar. If it makes more sense to you that she look natural and like herself, then you have chosen correctly.

Vickiv · ‎06-15-2015

I am so sorry for your loss. When my mother passed away I dressed her in a very pretty lavender dress with satin slippers. Lavender was her favorite color. Not something she would wear every day. I also had lavender roses for her. This is something I wanted to do for my mother. Through the years she sacrificed and gave me so much she never cared what she wore. So this was my time to make her beautiful. She gave me so much beauty and love in life. It was my desire to make her pretty for her eternal rest and I always felt I did the right thing. So do what's in your heart.