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Super Contributor
Posts: 252
Registered: ‎05-28-2015

I guess I wouldn't worry too much about the kids who live out of town. You probably won't see much of them and it would be difficult to build a good relationship with them now from a distance, even if your partner wanted to help. What I would do though is make sure that both of you have wills or trusts set up and everyone (his children and yours) know what they say. Even with good relationships you are in a complicated situation, and with poor relationships, it could be very difficult when one of you passes away. By the way, congratulations to you for raising kind, polite children. Your children sound like wonderful people.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,162
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Oh, Calcgirl - I'm sorry to hear this. I feel as if I'm at breakfast with friends. I've heard this story so often with divorced / widowed friends who find a life partner - a companion - travel buddy - but grown children disturbed their peace. Mainly -- it's about the fear of a parent marrying again and the kids losing $$$$ out of the deal. It's generally not about a love for dear old mom or dad. It's the $$$$ and the parent's new partner is a threat. My dear friend recently married her friend from middle school. He's a widower and she's divorced. They reconnected at a reunion. His three grown children were viscious. Long story short - dad and his kids are now estranged. Kids made him choose -- new wife or them. He was so disgusted with his children, he chose his new wife and changed his will. Kudos to my friend's new husband -- but ask yourself, if children asked your friend to choose -- what would he do? Take care of yourself. Maybe you two can go to counselor? Counseling opens the door to real conversations in a controlled environment.     

"I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees." Henry David Thoreau
Super Contributor
Posts: 479
Registered: ‎12-03-2010

@alicedee  Well said!

Valued Contributor
Posts: 792
Registered: ‎08-24-2011

I agree with others here that his children will never accept you. It is not an indictment of you, but rather it shows you THEIR character. If they were generous, loving children they would want their father's happiness and would learn to accept and embrace you. But rarely, if ever, do step children like their mother's replacement. Its just a fact of life, and nothing you can do will change it. Don't waste your time trying to change them. That is an effort in futility, and will only harm your relationship with their father. If you confront your partner about your feelings you are going to put him in a bind, where he feels he has to make a choice as to his loyalties. Enjoy your man, skip the ingrates, and be proud that your children didn't turn out like his.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,654
Registered: ‎05-13-2010

@Calcgirl Do you want to get married?  If you do, you deserve to know why he "can't" marry you.  For me, the kids would not be a good enuf excuse.

 

I don't believe in these rent-a-wife situations.  I believe a woman deserves her lover's loyalty.  I would want to be his primary interest and recipient of an appropriately respectful part of his estate.  I would not discuss his will with his kids.  It is none of their business.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,632
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

It seems you two have a solid relationship so I'd tell him to go with his kids and have a good time.  However, I'd also point out how your family includes him whereas his kids primarily ignore you. If anything, he may take notice and say something to them. Even if nothing changes, you should focus on the positive aspects of your life with him.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,246
Registered: ‎03-19-2016

@Calcgirl   When asked if she would marry again an older friend replied " All old men want is a nurse or a purse!" 
  I remembered that when a friend called and asked if he could come over several years after my husband died.
  He had several grown sons and never asked me out even for coffee.  I knew what the situation was. 
  I was watching T V with my dog. I told him it would disturb the dog! 
  

Frequent Contributor
Posts: 132
Registered: ‎10-02-2010

As others have said, your biggest problem sounds like the roommate with whom you say you have a relationship not his adult brats. He very CLEARLY condones the way you're being treated. You're left out at Christmas? Come on.

 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,259
Registered: ‎11-15-2011

I have learned that "we want to have dinner, just the 3 of us" does not necessarily mean "we don't want to have dinner with you, it just means "we want to have dinner, just the 3 of us!"

 

When guys don't know exactly how to handle a situation they just cop out the easy way!  

 

If you are happy with this man, forget it.  You are not in a relationship with his family, you are in a relationship with him.

 

Money is another story.  Don't lump it all together and muddy the water.

 

Happiness is scarce in life.  Enjoy what you can, when you can!

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,000
Registered: ‎12-17-2011

@Country Roses  I totally agree, he condones the way his adult children are treating her. She should be his top priority. It seems he’s okay with this situation. He has the best of both worlds.