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09-08-2020 04:11 PM
My partner and I are widow and widower and have been living together for the past three years. I nursed him back to health from Prostrate cancer and surgeries. We share expenses and get along quite well. Marriage is out of the picture mainly I believe because of his three grown children, none of them have ever been married either. Although his late wife,God rest her soul has been gone from htis earth for 14 years they act as if she just died and apparently havent moved on beyond grief. Loving my late husband as I do and did I understand.
My children and grandchildren have always treated my partner as part of the family. When they call they always ask how he is doing and to tell him hello, when they are present, they laugh and talk to him in a warm fashion. We both got Covid, I surprisingly had a worse case which was touch and go at times. His children called him daily to see how he was doing, but never asked about me or have never said to tell me hello. Again I brushed it off since they are men.
When my partner travels to where they live out of state ( except for one who lives near by) I am never asked to go with. I probably would have declined anyway so again it doesn't really bother me anymore.
To the present: Son came out for a quick visit, sons told my partner they wanted to take him out to a high end restaurant to celabrate his birthday, Fathers day and getting well, but they wanted it to be just the three of them and did not want me to go with because it was a boys night out. I never did see the son who came out by the way. Thsi for some reason hurt my feelings. None of them came here to care for their dad and as sick as I was I also took care of him. Of course he also took care of me. I could tell he was uncomfortable telling me about their dinner plans but i kept quiet. My sister thinks I should share my hurt feelings with him, but I am hesitant to do so because he will get defensive for his sons and say it was a night out with his sons. Now I know why I am not invited to their family out of town get togethers. The son who lives near by and I get along, maybe it is because the other son and sister live out of state and resent that their dad is in a relationship with me, I dont know. I do know for certain that he would never confront his kids because he felt due to being gone alot with his business and work he wasnt a good husband or dad.
09-08-2020 04:21 PM
@Calcgirl His kids don't and never will accept you. You can tell the partner your feelings are hurt but what can he do about it?
Neither you nor he can force a connection between you and his kids. Likely won't change.
IMO it does you no good to dwell on this situation. You know what it is. You need to just accept it and realize it likely won't change. But I think you know that, right?
No surprise they didn't ask about you. They don't accept you, as you have stated.
There's really nothing you can do and likely the dad wants to keep a good relationship with his sons so he's not gonna rock the boat, either.
09-08-2020 04:34 PM
@Love my grandkids wrote:@Calcgirl His kids don't and never will accept you. You can tell the partner your feelings are hurt but what can he do about it?
Neither you nor he can force a connection between you and his kids. Likely won't change.
IMO it does you no good to dwell on this situation. You know what it is. You need to just accept it and realize it likely won't change. But I think you know that, right?
No surprise they didn't ask about you. They don't accept you, as you have stated.
There's really nothing you can do and likely the dad wants to keep a good relationship with his sons so he's not gonna rock the boat, either.
I agree with everything you have stated. As I said, it has never bothered me before because they are very self=centered and their dad shared when we met, their mom spoiled them and the two who live out of state were against him dating again. I think it may have hurt me this time because I still feel under the weather and feel emotional. YUK . Like everyone else this has been a tough year, I spent my birthday (72) sick and isolated.
09-08-2020 04:36 PM
Next time he gets sick, I should text them to come out and care for their father.
09-08-2020 04:39 PM
It sounds like your partner is probably not going to try to facilitate the relationship between you and his kids but knowing me, I probably would mention how it bothers me in a nonconfrontational way just so he knows. And then assuming it doesn’t change I would have to decide if I want to accept it as it is or if it bothers me too much.
09-08-2020 04:43 PM
Just leave it alone, it is what it is. Don't bring it up with your husband, he knows how they treat you. He knows they haven't accepted you and they never will but he can't do anything about it. If he tries to defend them, that will hurt you create stress between you and your husband. Leave things as they are. I have seen this type of situation in my own circle, the adult children disrespect, ignore, exclude their parent's spouse. I understand that it hurts but they just are not decent people. Lucky for you, they are the out of state ones.
09-08-2020 04:47 PM
09-08-2020 04:52 PM - edited 09-08-2020 05:03 PM
Are you the one who previously posted your partner visits his family members without you during Christmas?
"Marriage is out of the picture mainly I believe because of his three grown children."
There are other widows and widowers who get married despite some of the kids don't approve. If he loved you he would marry you.
You said, "We get along." Is he thinking this relationship is one of convenience rather than love?
"I am hesitant to do so because he will get defensive for his sons and say it was a night out with his sons."
Did he move in with you or you move in with him? If he moved in with you, he has a place to live, a caretaker, cook, and housekeeper. If that's the case, I'd kick him out.
If you moved in with him...well I'd never do that. Either we'd get married and find another place to live, or he'd never see me again.
I wouldn't put up with this.
I
09-08-2020 05:02 PM - edited 09-08-2020 05:05 PM
Speaking for myself, that situation would never fly. I would make it clear to my partner that my epectations from him were love and loyalty. I would consider it extremely disloyal for him to not insist you be included in a fancy dinner out....that you are never asked about when they call is rude and unacceptable behavior. It's not like this is a fly-by-night affair....you have a long history with this man.
As I said, I am only speaking for myself, and I would insist that my partner put me in a higher place on his pecking order. I would not just be a companion and nursemaid....I would expect to be treated with the respect and concern a man should give the woman he loves.
You will have to do what works for you. Know that unless you insist on a change, he is not going to do anything any differently. Maybe you are willing to accept that. We are all different, and have our own needs and expectations from a serious relationship.
Good luck to you, and I hope you get feeling completely well very soon. You've been through a lot of illness and stress.
09-08-2020 05:02 PM - edited 09-08-2020 05:41 PM
@Calcgirl First of all, the sons and your partner are all very rude. You can't re-rear the sons, but you can let him know how you feel. He enables their behavior, and in doing so endorses, the sons. If he is fully vested in your relationship, I don't know why he doesn't.
I would certainly tell your partner and remove the smoke from your relationship.
A very good move would be for the two of you to go to a family counselor. They are trained on family dynamics.
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