Among Friends

[KarenQVC]

The last few comments made me think about how unusual the guy's backstory is.  It seems all set up to make sure he never has to commit to any woman.  How convenient for him if he just wants to hang around and "contribute" to the budget.

Is he lying?  I just know his story borders on the incredible--to me.

[elated]

You titled this as a "Relationship"!!!! You are in a caregiver environment. I think when women allow themselves to be treated less than, you might be dealing with self esteem issues. Your boarder has not raised his sons properly so he has given them no reason to respect or to treat you properly. He is allowing this to go on for three years and is comfortable leaving you behind. 

I don't know why some women allow themselves to be disrespected and consider it to be flaws in their so called relationship. Hopefully, you will find happiness but it may take a different approach.

[SunSprite]

@Calcgirl   Your partner is unlikely to verbalize that his children come first and you are second tier, but he has shown you repeatedly by his actions. It is now your decision whether you can live with and accept that or not. 

I would caution you about how/when you bring this up, and urge you to do a little research for your state first. The fact that he has been living there three years and helping to pay bills may give him some rights on not being just asked to move out immediately. If he won't volutarily go you may have to follow standard roommate eviction proceedings. Something to consider. 

Conversations such as this should have occurred before he ever moved in, but you can count that as one of those lessons learned. For now you need to have a tough conversation with yourself regarding your expectations and what you can live with. 

I see no problem with your partner placing his family first by the way. Completely his choice and one I made myself a while ago. However, he should have made that known from the very beginning.....then there would have been no surprises. Communication is key, and preferrably in the early dating stage. Certainly before cohabitating. 

Best of luck to you

[Imaoldhippie]

Im sad to say your partner is weak and he will never stand up for you with anyone, let alone his kids.  For whatever reason his kids will most likely never accept anyone in his life.

You choice is to continue to put up with it or not.  But dont ever expect more from him or his kids.

[ninjawife]

My aunt is in a simialar situation but with an entirely different outcome.  My aunt has been with her boyfriend for approximately 4 years and they live together in a house that my aunt bought with the down payment but her BF pays the morgage and they split the household bills.  My aunt's BF's wife had only been dead less than a year when they got together and his two boys did not like it.  My aunt's BF has COPD and needed a lung transplant.  My aunt took care of him though the transplant as well as his household as they were not living together at the time as his boys could not handle the responsibility.  Despite all she has done for her BF and his boys they are very distant.  In fact the oldest refuses to talk or visit his dad.  He also has been isolated from this son's children.  His second son barely makes time for him.  He has a two and half year old son who his father has seen less than a dozen times.  My aunt's BF is fed up with his children and has written them off.  My aunt is the beneficary of his life insurance and since the house is in her name it will be hers if he dies.  Her BF wants to marry my aunt and leave whatever he has to her (which is not much, although his boys think it is much more and my aunt is taking it all).

[jubilant]

  I have friends, relatives, and neighbors that I love or am very fond of who are (or have been) in similar situations.  What you are saying does not surprise me.  Not too long ago one of them shared a very similar situation with me about "the kids" and her significant other. She is not the first one I have seen this happen to.  From what I hear,  many men are pretty much like your man is.  Kids come first and always will.  That doesn't mean he is a "bad" person but it does show where his priorities are.

I am the type of a person who would want the man to love me enough to make a total commitment until death do us part. I want to be honest and say that part of that comes from my religious beliefs but part of what I say also comes from seeing what happens to the woman (or man) in situations like this. They seem pretty miserable to me but then, I haven't walked a mile in their shoes. For me, it would not be a very satisfying way to live out the years I had left.

[drizzellla]

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@manny2 wrote:

You should share your feelings with your partner. A relationship is about honesty too bad if it upsets him.  Tell him what you said here, you wont lose sleep over it, but its rude and hurtful.

I think there are a few things going on here with his family, and the main one with adult children is finance. Adult children do not want to share any potential inheritance with another partner.

I had a very good friend many years older then me. When she rekindled with an old flame before she died, her two sons made it clear to her, and him that they were very happy for them as long as she didn't change the will.

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Just yesterday we spent well over an hour talking about that very subject with the widower across the street.

He is upset that the children from his blended marriage want to change how the inheritance is divided. Before his wife died their will stated that all money would be divided equally among both sets of children.

His wife had 2 kids and he had 4 kids. Now since his wife died his children want to cut the wife's children out of inheriting any money. And he wants to keep it like originally planned.

Wonder if your partner's children think that they are going to get less of a share of their Dad's money, now that you are in the picture? And you might end up with all of his assets?

[4kitties]

@Calcgirl 

I think your relationship does bother you, or you would not be posting about it.  I know that I would never be truly happy with the situation that you have described.  I think your partner seems to have all the advantages since your family is accepting of him.  

Why does he think you deserve less?

Why do you think you deserve less?

Only you can decide if this situation is what you are willing to accept.

[Leggett28]

@Calcgirl  Do you know for sure your partner has let his children know you are in a relationship? Maybe he’s lead them to believe your just roommates.

[Calcgirl]

Thank you all for your comments and suggestons.  There are many questions posed, so I will do my best to answer them here. 

First, he moved in with me, at my suggestion because of his surgery for cancer and the treatment ne was going to need. I felt sorry for him and because his son who lives in the same state is gone alot for work I knew he was going to be on his own.  He contributes financially and never has to be reminded about chores that need to be done, he just does them.  He is actually a sweet and thoughtful man, but he loves his children very much and most likely more than he may love me which is okay with me since I feel the same about my children. I would not choose another man over my kids!

Besides, his love for his kids is not the problem and his kids not wanting to have a closer relationship with me is also not the problem.  As I stated in my original post, they are polite and friendly when I have seen them. The son who lives here is quite friendly towards me. 

I guess I was hurt a bit about the dinner because I felt like the girl on the outside looking in.  I was married for 45 years,  to the love of my life when he was taken from me suddenly. We had a fairy tale life where life was uncomplicated, our children were ours, etc.  This new life as a widow and alone was and  is complicated. Sometimes I feel bad because I miss the life and hubby I had.  If you havent had to experience this, good for you because it is hell at times and hurts deeply. 

NO, I do not want to get married and NO we do not have eachother in our wills, etc. His money is his and mine is mine. Neither of us are rich, but thankful for what we have. His kids are not worried about their dads money when he dies since he doesnt have  alot and what he does have is in a trust to his only grandchild. 

I wrote this here because my sister thought what happened about dinner was horrible and I then wanted to share it with all of you to see how you all felt. Some of you agree with what I think and that is to leave it alone, be thankful they live out of state and accept the companionship we both share.  I am not deeply in love with him, I think our love is one of dear friends since I don't know how else to describe it, as many widows and widowers are when they meet someone else, even if they get married, It isnt the same as the love you lost.  Too bad we ladies were not sitting together over coffee or wine and I could explain it much better than I can here. 

Again, thank you all and Bless you. If you are fortuante enough to be with the love of your life, give him or her a hug and say a little prayer of thanks. You are Blessed.