Among Friends

[pattypeep]

@MacDUFF Thank you so much for your thoughts. I honestly don't know what I would do if he came to me and admitted his wrongdoings with remorse. A few times throughout the years I wondered why he didn't. I doubt it would change anything from my perspective, but maybe I would be thankful to know that he still has a soul. I firmly believe in God and the afterlife, so I have turned it over to Him for his final judgment.

[Mom2Dogs]

I  am on the 'outs' with two sisters....it's kinda funny because I was the sister both those girls went to to complain about each other...borrow money, help when asked, loved their children.

I do miss knowing my sisters but once my parents died, they changed....there is a lot of drama...one sister is NEVER WRONG  and can remember every thing ever said to her...I'm done,  but I am very close with one sister's daughter and the other sister's daughter...we keep in touch on occasion. 

I would love to have family...my husband's brothers are all gone and his parents have been gone for years, I never met them......sigh

[qualitygal]

No, I'd say. But to totally be done with him, you need to forgive. To not forgive still ties him to you through you holding onto your dislike of him. Forgive him and totally be done w/him. I learned that, so thought I'd pass it on for what it's worth. **

I personally believe, even if you don't see justice in this for him in your life here, he will be dealt with severly.

[occasionalrain]

There shouldn't be forgiveness without atonement. To allow someone forgiveness who is undeserving makes no sense and all this placing of guilt on those with a legitimate grievance is wrong. I forgive easily if and when the misdeed has been avenged.

[hckynut]

@pattypeep

Your brother is obviously a terrible human being, and I use that term very loosely. My story is much different, and much less traumatizing. Partly because that could have never happened to my mother. I lived every day of my life in the same residences as my mother until the day she died.

I knew every detail of what she planned or was planning to do. There is no way anyone could take advantage of her, as your brother did to your mother. We had a very close and loving relationship and we discussed every important detail of her life, especially so, as she grew older.

My mother raised my 3 older sisters and myself by herself, nothing from my father or the government. Unless you want to say Public Housing Projects are helping. All 4 of us grew up as independent individuals knowing how to make it on our own. My mother had nothing to leave behind but her possessions, and yes her home.

The title of the home was put in my name, why? Because her total income was $90 per month and the house payment was $95. To claim "Head of the Household" I had to prove I paid over 50% of what it cost her to live, and to the IRS that was impossible without being the one providing her housing. I know this because instead of a refund I ended up paying over a couple thousand $$$ before we changed the title.

Belongings I cared little about because material things never mattered to me, and to this day, still do not. My sisters chose the things that wanted for their homes and it was up to them who got what item. This was a very amicable sharing of the few things my mother worked so hard to own. No fighting/no hatred, just sorrow at the loss of our mother.

My youngest sister called my mother every single day, even though she worked and was raising her 5 children. My older 2 sisters? Pretty much when it fit their, oh so busy schedules. We all lived in the same city, with my youngest sister living the furthest from our home? The other 2, less than a 5 minute drive, and one sister had 3 children(she did not work outside the home), my other sister 2 children, and she worked in real estate.

One thing for sure, nobody could take advantage of my mother without my knowledge, and this is before, not after the fact. As I said, I was involved in every important detail of her life in her later years, and while not "book smart", I was/am very "street/life smart"".

It's a shame things like this happen to some families. However, in some cases, major things might have been prevented. I have heard these types of stories from many people in my life when their last living parent died. Sad stories, but several of them possibly could have been prevented had those that felt hurt would have been more involved in the important details of an aging parents life.

Had my mother had anything valuable other than a home, that still had over 20 years left on a mortgage, I would have made sure nobody, family included, would ever pull the wool over her eyes. Had she raised us differently, not taught us the value of every penny, and how to earn our own way in life? She didn't, and the things that happened during her most vulnerable years, were protected by a person overlooking her thoughts and important decisions. That person was me.

After, I believe you said 22 years, whatever happened that long ago, would be pretty much buried in the deep caverns of my brain cells. If my life were to be lived with a major negative, it would be from something "I" actively did, not something done by any of my siblings.

hckynut(john)

[stevieb]

Twenty two years was a long time ago... Without knowing what his transgressions actually were and more about the situation, it's not possible for me to know whether or not they're 'forgive-able'... Merely calling me an ugly name... even a very ugly name, is the kind of thing I might not forget, but could forgive... 

@pattypeep

[pattypeep]

@hckynut  Thank you, John, for sharing your story. Your mother sounds like she was a wonderful woman and she obviously raised a stand up son !! My mother was in the stages of dymensia (sp?) and we all knew it, so my brother played that to his advantage. What I found out a few years after he took the house was that he lied to her and told her that he told me and I was fine with it, so she had no reason (in her mind) to tell me what was going on. At any rate, it's water under the bridge and my conscience has always been clear. Thanks again, John.

[lulu2]

There are some acts that I find unforgivable.  While God made forgive them  I, a mere mortal, cannot.

[chrystaltree]

You are not hard hearted.  Some things are just not forgivable.  And you can't forgive something like that unless the person has apologized and asked for forgiveness. 

[Mominohio]

The topic of forgiveness comes up here occasionally, and there is often heated debate. Here is the way I see it (and I've not read the replies here).

To be forgiven, one has to do several things. First they must ask for it and earnestly. Second they must repent and not continue to do what they are asking forgiveness for. 

People mistakenly offer up 'forgiveness' to those that have done evil, when there has been no asking for it nor any repentance. I think people do that to make themselves feel better, and I'm not saying it is wrong to do if that makes you feel better, to think you have forgiven someone, but in reality, it is something else (closure, moving on, whatever) but it isn't forgiveness.