Among Friends

[Cakers3]

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@Mom2Dogs wrote:

@x Hedge , she does just that, bucket of water and brush but more than irked that we don't do it as well.....and she said 'people' have told her how bad it looks which is an out and out lie...the cemetery is maintained...and our small community would never let the cemetery go uncared for....she just likes telling us what to do....parents have been gone over 20+ years....and she is just now bringing it up....

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@Mom2Dogs   If your sister is just bringing this up after 20+ years then this is not about maintaining the headstones; something else is going on with her.

I cannot speak to your relationship with your sister; whether or not she is a "bully".

If you don't want to do this, then don't.  It's very simple-you pick your battles and either accept her for who she is  or continue to get upset.

It doesn't matter what anybody else does at the graves of their loved ones;  because if posters say they do clean or trim above and beyond what the cemetery provides then that will not fit with your narrative.

If posters do not clean and trim, then you have back-up for your complaint.

In the end, neither way is right nor wrong.

[GraceLady]

For many, it is considered a blessing to visit the deceased.  Cemeteries are usually peaceful and often beautiful places; park-like.  While my family is buried where there is perpetual care, grave markers can be cleaned and polished, and the lawn can be searched for weeds.  I think of it as all I can do for my loved ones now that they are gone. 

We have celebrated a special birthday for my father at the cemetery.  My mom, all of us kids and grandkids were there.  We sent up balloons with messages and ate cupcakes.  My kids and I also have a tradition of going to the cemetery on Halloween night so my deceased husband will have his jack-o-lantern.  Halloween was always his favorite holiday.  I think the cemetery becomes what you want it to be.    

Everyone has different feelings about visiting graves.  When my grandma died, 27 years after my grandpa, my a couple of my cousins commented that they had never been to the cemetery before.  Our jaws dropped.  Our aunt had never once visited her own father's grave.  One of my cousins said, "My parents are heathens."  They only live 30 minutes away.  Who knows what my aunt was thinking, but my cousins felt their parents had been wrong.  We are all different.  To my knowledge, my aunt has never been back.  We also don't care what she does.  We all do our own thing.  My family gets comfort from visiting every few months.  None of us would ever dream of harassing her.  

As an aside for those that make a yearly visit on Memorial Day, is it just a convenient day to go or do you have family killed in action?  I know lines get blurred more and more these days, but Memorial Day is to honor the members of the military killed serving our country.   https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memorial_Day

[gidgetgh]

My parents are buried 900 miles away (which makes me very, very sad) and I've only been back to visit once, in 2017.

The graves and the cemetery were in great shape.  If I remember correctly, I broke off two blades of grass that were leaning against the headstone.  I don't think it really needed to be done.  I just felt like I "needed" to do something.  Other than sob.

But when we DID go in 2017, we stopped ahead of our visit to the cemetery and I bought flowers for the gazillions of relatives that are buried there and we put flowers on all of the graves.  It was very, very hard.

My husband's family is buried locally.  He/we never go to the cemetery to visit their graves.  No particular reason, he just doesn't feel the need to go.  But that cemetery is very well maintained.

[Pook]

I see graves as just a way to dispose of a body.  My mother is in my heart and I visit her in my mind daily.  I feel the same way about all the hupla of funerals and viewing.  My mother always said if you ignore me and don't care to see me or treat me poorly when I am alive then why bother coming to my funeral or visiting a grave where my body is.  She requested no viewing and I notice more and more others doing this.

[Mom2Dogs]

@Cakers3 you are correct, this is just one of many issues that she is angry about....she has always had a difficult personality, I used to take her anger personally, not anymore.

I asked the question because I was wondering how other people dealt with cemetery clean up....she does not upset me...I know her to well, once she has stirred the pot on this issue, there will be something else.

I cut ties with her years ago but my other sibling hears from her on a rare occasion.....that is where this issue came up..out of the blue....he always TRIES to get along with her...but is finding it to be fruitless.

[Financialgrl]

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@kitty60 wrote:

When I lived in the area of my parents, grandparents, great grandparents and mother in law I would always take a trip to the cemetery before Memorial Day where I would clean up around the stones and plant some fresh flowers for the summer.  Since we moved south I am no longer able to do so although my father in laws grave is near us.  That cemetery does not allow plantings and all  the upkeep is done by the cemetery.  There is a vase for artificial arrangements on the top of each recessed grave marker and we change those a couple of times a year.

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Cemetery where parents are is the same.  You can have real flowers during the summer but once the flowers start turning bc of the sun they take them away.  We can have artificial arrangements in the vases but if you don't take them away at the end of fall, they toss those as well.  Bc the grave has perpetual care, we can't have any plantings either.

When my mother died in the mid 1970s the closest cemetery was 30 miles away so in those early years we'd put a wreath out during the summer and when I was battling cancer, my chemo treatments were a mile from the cemetery and I visited before every chemo session.  Now I live much farther away - but as others have said, they are always in my heart.

[software]

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@1Snickers wrote:

@software   I go to the cemetery and put seasonal flowers down.

There are two large marble headstones in the family plot and many small ones. It’s perpetually cared for but they don’t clean the stones. I really must find someone who will do it properly. 

(Once I’m gone it will never get done!)

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You could ask in the office if they know someone.    I would suggest you do it yourself but it's difficult to drag everything you need to the site.   Have you ever heard of the Wet and Forget for showers?    There's a formula for headstones and it's supposed to be safe for the surrounding grass.

[FrostyBabe1]

Fortunately, neither of my parents are in cemetaries. They didn't want that (nor do I). They had specific wishes regarding the disposition of their ashes and we were fortunate to be able to honor them. 

I've gone with my aunt to clean the headstones of my paternal grandparents at a cemetary in Florida and it's a losing battle. After a few weeks they look awful again.  

[ID2]

All of my immediate family have been cremated and their ashes have been scattered where they wanted. No visited any cemeteries for me. 

[RedTop]

@Kachina624,

You are exactly right.  

Here in southern WV, we form Cemetery Associations to look after our family cemeteries.  These groups are made up of family members who have loved ones buried in the cemetery, who agree to donate money yearly for basic summer maintenance.   

I have been involved in a group like this for many years; my husband and I support 3 of them.