Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/fami... - Page 5

NycVixen · ‎10-15-2010

@Laura14wrote:
@NycVixen Wow, thank you so, so much. You really nailed a lot of insight into what's going on here. Much appreciated and I will try and take your words to me to heart.

@Laura14 I'm really glad I can shed some light. I've been dealing with something similar for over 30 years.

Another thing you should know is all the discord between you and your sisters is most likely being sown by your mother. I realized too late that my mom would say things that I had said to her about my sibling and vice versa our whole lives so we never got along. If she was with or talking to me, she would praise my sibling or say things that would ruin our relationship. She wanted control over everything in our lives including our relationship.

Creating drama that she was being victimized by either me or my sibling gave her the attention and control she needs to thrive. For years, it was a vicious cycle of finger pointing and periods of me not talking to my mother, my sibling and vice versa.

Your mother is the puppet master and you and your siblings are just caught in the web she has spun.

Through research after the blindfold fell, I realized my mother most likely suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Your sister who can't overcome the anger of what your mother has done needs therapy asap. My sibling never received it and now also suffers from mental illness. Over the years, anger became loathing and then dysfunction. It's not healthy to carry so much resentment. The fact that she can't feel much empathy for your mother after surgery is not a good sign.

Deal with the present situation and then take time to analyze what is really going on. This is not about your mother having surgery per se but about a family dynamic that has been going on for many years. Don't harbor negative feelings toward your mother upon these revelations; learn how to deal with her and/or distance yourself as needed for your sake. These issues are very difficult to solve if they ever fully resolve. You just need to learn how to cope with everyone in a way that is drama free.

Good luck. You will be ok. Knowledge is power.

~Live with Intention~

missy1 · ‎03-10-2010

Did your mom have the old way or the laparoscopy way?

Rarely, do I hear anyone I know have complications with this surgery and it doesn't interrupt the household to this degree.

Something else must be going on?

@Laura14

Laura14 · ‎06-09-2014

@NycVixen To be honest, my mother is an extremely insecure person for a lot of reasons, some legitimate and some illegitimate.

She married a man (3rd one) who, in my opinion, is very selfish and controlling and domineering and has done things no woman should ever stay with after that. But her life, her decision.

I alluded to that with the two texts I sent my baby sister that our mother is living a life with a man who I don't think is respecting her priorities and wishes and just doing what he wants when he wants to do it and she can either come along or not. That rejection from him is being put on us because we're easier to yell at when we don't fall in line to her expectations.

I think that's a big part of this dynamic and his bailing is yet another nail in the coffin for me although I get my mother being so ugly that you just need to get the heck away from her too.

I'm sorry you've dealt with some similar issues. I know everyone has their things but it's nice to hear someone else's perspective and how they've dealt with it. Thank you!

Laura14 · ‎06-09-2014

@missy1wrote:
Did your mom have the old way or the laparoscopy way?

Rarely, do I hear anyone I know have complications with this surgery and it doesn't interrupt the household to this degree.

Something else must be going on?

@Laura14

@missy1 She had the robot. She's been up and around and feeling great. My sister is the first I've heard that she's had any major pain or physical issues with getting out of bed and bathroom stuff. She's been throwing parties and going around with my sister so this is kind of out of the blue.

Coquille · ‎07-20-2011

@Laura14wrote:
@NycVixen To be honest, my mother is an extremely insecure person for a lot of reasons, some legitimate and some illegitimate.

She married a man (3rd one) who, in my opinion, is very selfish and controlling and domineering and has done things no woman should ever stay with after that. But her life, her decision.

I alluded to that with the two texts I sent my baby sister that our mother is living a life with a man who I don't think is respecting her priorities and wishes and just doing what he wants when he wants to do it and she can either come along or not. That rejection from him is being put on us because we're easier to yell at when we don't fall in line to her expectations.

I think that's a big part of this dynamic and his bailing is yet another nail in the coffin for me although I get my mother being so ugly that you just need to get the heck away from her too.

I'm sorry you've dealt with some similar issues. I know everyone has their things but it's nice to hear someone else's perspective and how they've dealt with it. Thank you!

@Laura14 I think are mothers are related and have made the same mistakes. Her second husband was the same. My mother also would always take everything out on me but nothing on my brother. He is God yet she wants the air I breathe and treats me like ......... It took me 50 years to wake up and now I don't take it anymore. So, my brother deals with her now, not me. I speak to her 2 times a week and he does everything else, for the first time in his 56 years. Unfortunately, your mother is staying with you but bide your time, take deep breathes and know you are the better person, if that helps you at all. Although, do not let yourself be a doormat either. You obviously have a big heart but don't let them take advantage of that or you! As far as her husband, there's nothing you can do there! He is who he is and don't expect him to behave in any way different than he has in the past. I learned, if you don't expect anything, then you can't be disappointed! I give of myself because I choose to and it makes me feel good and I expect nothing in return. That's what works for me! I hope this situation rectifies itself quicker rather than later. I use to do breathing exercises to cope better. 7 breathes through your nose, hold for 7 counts. Then let it out through your mouth. Keep doing it until you blood pressure slows down. That might help your headaches, even a little bit. It did mine, not always but sometimes. My heart goes out to you!

Happiness is not a destination, it is a way of life.

Alison Wonderland · ‎02-05-2018

@sannwrote:
Contact her physican to let him or her know what is going on.

I agree. Your mom may need treatment, such as hormone replacements, or may need to see a counselor.

If she won't see a counselor, I'd recommend that you and your sisters do so that you have tools to deal with stress and anxiety. I'd encourage the husband to go see the counselor, too. Running away isn't an acceptable solution to the problem.

CelticCrafter · ‎03-09-2010

Well, if baby sister doesn't like the way you and your other sister are handling things, tell her to put her backside in the car and come deal with it otherwise she needs to S.T.H.U., butt out and mind her own business.

drizzellla · ‎03-14-2010

@NycVixenwrote:
@Laura14wrote:
@NycVixen Wow, thank you so, so much. You really nailed a lot of insight into what's going on here. Much appreciated and I will try and take your words to me to heart.
@Laura14 I'm really glad I can shed some light. I've been dealing with something similar for over 30 years.

Another thing you should know is all the discord between you and your sisters is most likely being sown by your mother. I realized too late that my mom would say things that I had said to her about my sibling and vice versa our whole lives so we never got along. If she was with or talking to me, she would praise my sibling or say things that would ruin our relationship. She wanted control over everything in our lives including our relationship.

Creating drama that she was being victimized by either me or my sibling gave her the attention and control she needs to thrive. For years, it was a vicious cycle of finger pointing and periods of me not talking to my mother, my sibling and vice versa.

Your mother is the puppet master and you and your siblings are just caught in the web she has spun.

Through research after the blindfold fell, I realized my mother most likely suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Your sister who can't overcome the anger of what your mother has done needs therapy asap. My sibling never received it and now also suffers from mental illness. Over the years, anger became loathing and then dysfunction. It's not healthy to carry so much resentment. The fact that she can't feel much empathy for your mother after surgery is not a good sign.

Deal with the present situation and then take time to analyze what is really going on. This is not about your mother having surgery per se but about a family dynamic that has been going on for many years. Don't harbor negative feelings toward your mother upon these revelations; learn how to deal with her and/or distance yourself as needed for your sake. These issues are very difficult to solve if they ever fully resolve. You just need to learn how to cope with everyone in a way that is drama free.

Good luck. You will be ok. Knowledge is power.

Laura - I wish you weren't going through this But since you are, please follow NycVixen's advice. I felt like she was writing about my Mom. And I learned too late how to deal with my Mom. And the situation will only get worse because the drama will be compounded. I should have distanced myself from my Mom's drama. Just dealt with taking care of what needed to be taken care of and moved on.

Laura14 · ‎06-09-2014

@Coquille Thanks so much! The exercise thread peeps have given me some destressing ideas too. I am taking it all in as I can use all the tools I can get.

Laura14 · ‎06-09-2014

@drizzellla I am headed that way. Every single time I try and get away and live my own life, a parent and their needs get in the way. It's my turn now.

I've been trying to study for my certification exam so I can finally fly away but you can imagine how difficult it is with all of this nonsense. I am very grateful for her advice and yours.

Hopefully this is over in a few weeks if not sooner and I can finally be on my own.