Wellness

[Sooner]

I thought I could start this and maybe posters could add experiences and things learned that could benefit others.  This topic comes up a lot, so I thought it might be useful for folks to ask questions, share experiences or give some comfort.  It isn't legal or medical advice, don't take it as such, it is experiences and "for what it's worth" only.

What I have learned:

You can't make elderly people do something if they are competent without a court or DHS on board.

Social Security doesn't (at least they didn't a few years ago) take a Power of Attorney.  The Representative Payee status has to be signed off on by the person getting SS, or you have to have doctor's statements they are incompetent. 

You really have to have end-of-life directives signed.

You need to think about finances five years in advance.

No matter what the person wants, you may not be capable of keeping them at home, and it may not be the best solution anyway in all instances.  It is simply a fact. 

In some cases, taking care of an elderly person can be compared to having an infant or toddler that weight 90 pounds and has a mind of its own.  According to a doctor I know. 

Keep records, know the laws in your state, and ask for help. 

[Eileen in Virginia]

I'd add that, if they're in a nursing home, it's best if the nursing home staff know that friends and family will drop in for a visit whenever they're in the area - I.e., they never know when someone will be there. This goes a long way towards ensuring good quality of care for your loved one. 

[BabyDaisy]

I'm going through this now. I was power of attorney for my 82 year old uncle. He asked my sister to take him to the hospital. He was diagnosed with dimenta and diabetes. The doctors felt he should go into a nursing home and couldn't make decisions for himself.  During the week, he said he wanted to go home. Then one night I get a call from the hospital saying they can't find my uncle. Then they found him in ER trying to get money out of ATM and call a taxi to go home. The hospital said they couldn't stop him, but would not help him leave. He was calling 911 saying his guns were gone. Police had to call hospital to have him stop calling 911. I get a call from the police saying he left the hospital. A week earlier a family member called the police saying his house was empty and my uncle was going into a nursing home. The police wanted to take all the guns out of his house for safe keeping and all meds out in case his house was broken into- they didn't want the guns in the wrong hands. Nine guns, 300 rounds of amo, 54 bottles of very strong meds taken to police dept.  Now uncle is home against doctors orders and wants his guns !I'm getting threatening emails, phone calls saying I stole his guns and give them back, Police say I did nothing wrong since the police removed these. More threats getting worse. I end up with a severe sathma attack after reading the last email aand my husband had to call 911. Police told uncle  he contacts me again they will arrest him. He continues to call police on me. Now I'm being told his attorney will contact me and I'm going to court. My nerves are a mess along with my stomach. I can't eat and am down to 103 pounds today. Still waiting for attorney letter to arrive in mail. If it comes, I can have him arrested.

My advice is never agree tp power of attorney!!

Sorry this was so long- I'm so stressed.

[chrystaltree]

True....all of it.   As we found out from our attorney relative to my sister, people have the right to make terrible decisions and making terrible decisions does not mean a person is incompetent.  

[Mz iMac]

@BabyDaisy  Why don't you put your uncle in a nursing home or an assistant living facility?

[Carmie]

@Mz iMac   You can't just put people into a nursing home or assistant living facility.  Medicare does not cover this and it is expensive.

If a person refuses to go there, you can't make them.  You would have to go through proper channels which isn't easy.  If they have no POA it is even more difficult.

Today, a parent can't even make a child age 13 and older go for mental health visits and they can't make them stay in a psych hospital.  These kids can also refuse toallow their parents access to their mental health visits and records.

[Laura14]

The most eye opening thing to me when we had our uncle in nursing home care was that if he needed to be in the hospital for a few days, you not Medicare had to personally pay the nursing home for the bed he wasn't sleeping in or they had the right to give it to someone else before he was released and it wasn't cheap.

I have no idea what families do without those kind of financial resources. How do you just take home a chronically ill patient to your house with no way to care for them because the nursing home took the bed away? He wasn't even mobile towards the end and not many people could move him to a car let alone take him home.

It's insane that we tolerate this as end of life care. I swear my dog was treated better at the end of hers.     

[Mz iMac]

@Carmie  Thanks.....

I just figured since the OP uncle is a danger to himself & to those around him (guns), what is going to stop him from purchasing more guns?

The OP also stated her uncle has demsia plus she has POA.  She can't take him to court since as witnesses-hosipital records confirming diagnosis & the police confiscating the many guns they had to remove from the house?

[patbz]

I was executors for both my parents, who were very elderly and lived in their own home in MD ( at time I lived in CA) for over 13 years. I agree with everything OP said and will add that what saved me and them was having a family trust that was well constructed and therefore iron clad. At various times I consulted certified financial planner, lawyer and senior care consultant ( correct name for this escapes me but she was the invaluable for setting up final arrangements and also assessing my home care arrangements to ensure they were comprehensive). My parents had a comprehensive financial plan, great pensions, other great insurance and social security/ medicare coverage; they were exceptions to what most people had them and certainly even fewer have adequate support systems in place now. DH and I are among the minority who seem to have covered all possibilities that might happen during a long retirement. In addition to what my parents planned, we have had long term care insurance for 18 years to date.

[BabyDaisy]

An update-

I didn't mention that my uncle has told the police that he is taking POA away from me and giving it to his 82 year old friend who happens to be the one helping him write these threatening emails. The emails are signed by both men. That is fine with me. My uncle cant see but drives,. The police are requesting an eye test to see if he can drive saftely. He admitted to driving down the wrong side of the street- once going on the wrong ramp on expressway. The hospital and my sister and I were in the process of doing paperwork for a nursing home when he left the hospital. Even with demintia , the hospital couldn't make him stay- which is wrong. I took pictures of the filth, he lives in. Sent photos to his social worker. There is a huge risk of falling with all the papers on the floor back to 1980's! He has said last Summer that he killed a mouse in the kitchen sink, and another one was caught in the electric burner on his stove. I offered many times to clean, or at least do the dishes which are stacked a mile high. My uncle refuses. He had always been strange, but is so much worse now. He went to a funeral for someone he didn't like and told the deceased family that he didn't like the (dead) man and wanted to be sure he was dead. In the 1970"s his uncle died and he had POA etc. He had the man creamated and put the remains in the trunk of his car. Drove all over going on roller coasters with the roller coaster club. My mother insisted that he give the man a proper bariel, so he went to a cementary and dug a hole and buried him somewhere. Just not a  nice person.