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Frequent Contributor
Posts: 89
Registered: ‎07-24-2010

Re: Children are all moving away

I feel for you, I really do.  My husband & I are all alone in PA.   Son is in CO.  Daughter is in CA. It's almost impossible for us to travel.  My husband has multiple health issues & is in a wheelchair.  Both son & daughter come here to visit only once a year (separately).  Holidays are awful.  Just the 2 of us.  We make reservations & go out to dinner, but it's soooo depressing looking at the families enjoying each other.  And, of course, basically nothing is open on Christmas.  Before COVID hit, we went to the movies on Christmas Day just to kill a few hours.  The movie was very good... but, it felt so STRANGE to be spending Christmas in such a way.  I guess this is the reason that I really don't like the Christmas in July shows.  It's a reminder of what we don't have!  But, at least we have each other. .... for now.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,936
Registered: ‎05-09-2014

Re: Children are all moving away

You make it sound like these kids and the grands won't miss you and their dad. They're changing their whole lives and leaving behind their most beloved family. It will be a worry for them, too.

 

They will make time to reach out and stay close in heart. Technology has provided Zoom and FaceTime. Learn these tools before the kids take off. You can see them face to face, if not in person. You can "show & tell" anything new you want to share.  You can all get together on one screen or call each family one to one. 

 

Perhaps they'll have to miss this year's big holidays because they will just be settling in and need time for their kids to make new friends. And traveling back is expensive. But your children will miss you very much and the grandkids will be extra excited with every video call. 

It's a big jolt to see your strong, independent, capable adult children become physically distant. That is a sad prospect of loneliness for you and your husband without the fun of family. You'll find a few activities to stimulate you in new ways. You'll set something up to be able to "meet" with all of them or any of them regularly.

 

Change is hard, but it's hard on all of you.  If you see them as happy to move and indifferent to its effect on you and on themselves, you need to look outward about this and be receptive to helping them through their own bumps ahead. 

If this is a dark time, find a way to light your path and when you can't be with the ones you love, love the ones or one you're with. Chin up. Stay strong. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,132
Registered: ‎05-24-2010

Re: Children are all moving away

@DuckncoverI feel for you. It is so hard to let go of our children. I know you are proud of them,and thankfully with technology you will be able to see them in real time, but it isn't the same. The only comfort is once you develop a new normal it won't hurt as much.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 30,241
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: Children are all moving away

I'm guessing but probably as many as 8 or 9 out of 10 parents experience this.

 

Here's my story.  My middle daughter moved to Florida with her (then) husband and her 3 daughters.  It's been difficult because she went thru a horrendous divorce.  All I could do is help her out monetarily.  I'm still paying for the lawyer(s) and her rent, etc.  Not complying, happy to help.

 

About the same time my youngest daughter moved to Colorado.  She wanted to do more outdoor things and was tired of the Arlington Virginia nightlife.  She lives an amazing life.  Never married.  She travels everywhere with her male friend and her dog.  Colorado loves dogs and they can go places where they can't in other states.

 

But I do have my oldest daughter living about 1/2 hour from me.  She has 4 wonderful children.  The oldest is 19, 18, 15 and 10 years old.  She just started working a few hours a week for something to do.

 

She manages my investments, keeps track of taxes etc.  The youngest makes sure my few bills are automatically withdrawn, etc.  She comes and stays a few months with me here and there.

 

OK so you need to realize your children have been growing and separating from you for many years.  You were just too busy to realize it.

 

This next sentence(s) deserves it's own paragraph.  Right now pat yourself on your back and say...are you doing it?  OK...say, "I've done a good job.  I did what I set out to do.  I've raised humans who are self-confident and are ready to live their 'best life'."

 

Now look at all your electronics and realize what you an do with them.  In the amount of time it takes to dial their number, you can see and hear them.  The only thing you can't do is hug them.  You can do that another time.

 

What you need to do is to call them a few times a week.  Talk about what's going on in the family with you and their siblings.  Don't leave a lot out.  I'll tell you why in a minute.  Talk about what TV show you like or don't.   Talk as if they were sitting next to you.  Let them talk...listen and remember.

 

Now..the reason.  It's so that when you do meet face to face you won't feel like two people who spent time apart.

 

You can touch and hug.  It is very important that you stay connected with son's wife.  She is the life line to him.  Most married males leave it up to their wife to keep in touch with family.

 

Now..if you only take one or two suggestions...that works too.

 

My goodness.  You've come to the right place.  These women here offer wonderful advice.  There have been many times I've come here and found a way to help me through something.

 

Go now...Start reading.  No anguish, no tears.  You've got this.  

After all you are female and God gave us the gift of being problem solvers.

 

Hugs to you...Annabelle ❤️

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,372
Registered: ‎05-01-2010

Re: Children are all moving away

We don't have kids but 35 years ago my sister, her baby and husband moved to Australia. Her and the baby have come back to visit just about every year since then. That was hard for all of us at the time, but it worked out.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,254
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Children are all moving away

We give our children roots and we have to give them wings. The wings are the hardest thing to give them. It is a difficult position to be in as we want them to follow their dreams and be all that they can be and most of all happy. It would be great if we could keep them all right with us but sometimes life just doesn't play out that way. You will get lots of calls and yes they will come home for visits. It will be wonderful when they come and you can always do Christmas and Thanksgiving celebrations when they can be there. You might even start writing letters to each other and discover how much you enjoy that. I feel for you and I understand how you feel like you will be missing so much but you just have to concentrate on what wonderful times and memories you will make when you can be together.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,518
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Children are all moving away

@Duckncover 

 

I "used" to be sad about not having my children & gd close but then realized "they are grownups, have their own lives, etc. BUT more importantly, they are much better than we were no guilt like my mother did to us.  Plus, I certainly wouldn't deny them their happiness for mine.

 

Times have changed in all aspects and change isn't easy.

 

Sure it's upsetting at times and yes the holidays are hard but Skype (and technology) has allowed me to enjoy them everyday🙂.  

 

Please don't dwell on your sadness with their decisions it's life and not healthy for anyone. (Just trying to save you $$$$ this is what I learned from therapy -- our lives aren't those Norman Rockwell commercials or Lifetime movies😉)

 

Wish them well and of course, I pray good health for your spouse.💐

 

homedecor1

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,216
Registered: ‎08-02-2010

Re: Children are all moving away

@Duckncover  Why can;t you go to them and stretch out all holidays such as Easter, 4th July, Thansgiving, etc.  You might find you enjoy the change

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,073
Registered: ‎05-01-2020

Re: Children are all moving away

I'm sure this is disappointing. My thoughts:

 - have Thanksgiving/Christmas before they go (it doesn't have to be on that specific day)

 - stay positive for them (change is challenging for everyone)

 - focus on gratitude for the time they've been in the vicinity (some never/rarely have that)

 - be glad they're able to make they're own way in life

 - as long as they're safe, be glad for that

 - be thankful we have the various tech options to stay in touch unlike past generations

 - use the various tech options available

 - send snail mail to surprise the kids every so often (depending on age include stickers, uplifting/motivational quotes, bookmarks, pop rocks, etc)

 - remember that this will be a way for everyone to have greater appreciation for the time spent in person

<3

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,837
Registered: ‎10-01-2013

Re: Children are all moving away

[ Edited ]

If they are happy and healthy you have much to be thankful for. And, if they have good jobs/careers and good families you were a wonderful mom and should be proud of yourself and them. I think it is unrealistic to expect our children to stay near us forever.