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[SunValley]

The 25-year history you noted of broken promises, procrastination, and apparent dismissal of the inconvenience created is indicative of a man who sees no need to compromise on this issue. nor does he seem bothered by your years of disappointment. Your husband will never give in and at this rate of deterioration, you will be living in rubble if you remain determined to stay. If neighbors are complaining that your home is negatively affecting property values, I assume the outside is not in a showcase state either. At this point, I would choose being comfortable, safe, and living with working appliances and utilities over staying in a decaying home to make a point. I don’t see a win-win situation here.

Me...I’d sell, take my half of the proceeds, and buy myself a home sans husband. But that is another topic.

[jannabelle1]

As someone else said, you have a real dilemma on your hands. It sounds like you have two choices: stand your ground and get things fixed in your home on your own by hiring someone to do it. A broken water faucet is not something that anyone should put up with. On the other hand, I think that you are living in a home with the neighborhood around you that has moved on. The same thing has happened to many areas in similar cities.

Your home is deteriorating and without upgrades, it won't be pleasant to continue to live there. Will a new home offer the same things you are used to? Probably not, but there comes a time when we get older that we have to recognize that we can't possibly live the lifestyle that we did when we were younger. Your husband is being stubborn, but I think you are too.

It's time to find some common ground and move forward. Sell your property and get top dollar for it. Let your hubby know that you want some specific amenities if you agree to sell. Will you find the exact same things you've always had? Of course not - our lives change and evolve as we get older. Insisting on promises made 25 years ago isn't applicable at this point - you're way past that time period. There just comes a time that when we can no longer maintain what we have - we need to move on to the next phase. I wish you luck.

[software]

So glad I don't have to do anything by committee.

[ZoetheCat]

I really think that all these comments about the poster’s marriage are unwarranted.  The fact is that all couples have disagreements, different priorities, etc.  Nowhere in the original post did she suggest that she wanted a divorce.  Are the disagreements real?  Certainly.  Could they be indicative of a bigger problem?  Maybe.  But I would venture to say that most of us, myself included, have faced problems in our marriages that seemed insurmountable.  Yet, somehow, we’ve worked through them.  Sometimes when I read these boards, I get the impression that people live in a perfect world, with no problems whatsoever.  That’s not my reality.

As to the dilemma at hand, I think I would insist on a few updates.  For example, you mention your floors and kitchen.  Perhaps you could contract to have some of the floors replaced, which wouldn’t necessarily break the bank.  In terms of your kitchen, maybe you could have your kitchen cabinets repainted or resurfaced rather than doing a full remodel.  You could also replace countertops and/or back splash which doesn’t have to cost a fortune.  I guess what I’m saying is that there could well be a compromise between gutting the whole space and doing nothing.  That is where I would start.

[godi]

My DH begged, pleaded and guilted me into moving 3 years ago. I loved my other house and I morn daily for it. I know I’m crazy. But this house new modern and beautiful but my old creaky house was just as beautiful to me. I wish I would have never moved. Please whatever you do be sure you want it. 

[AuntG]

There's a lot I'd like to say about a husband who neglects making repairs to his home because the new owners won't keep it anyways. How about making it efficient and nice for your wife since she lives there too? If it's to the point of bringing down property values, fix up the exterior at the very least!

[faeriemoon]

In addition to what others have said about your situation, I would just add that if the condition of your home is so bad that the neighbors are complaining, it must be pretty bad.  Residents in a neighborhood have an obligation to keep the property at least in and acceptable condition.  And that would be bare minimum.  My guess is that if the outside is bad, the inside must be similar, and that is not fair to YOU.

I have no solution for you; just something to think about.

[Effie54]

Men are notorious for not wanting to put money into their homes. My brother in law is the same way. He will barely pay for a repair, only when it needs it. Why? He feels their home is "just fine" the way it is and the next person who buys it will fix it up and customize it. The truth is, you won't get close to market value for a home that is in disrepair or that isn't turnkey. Buyers want a home that has been maintained. They don't want "hidden surprises". I wouldn't let anyone (husband or otherwise) force me out of my home. If he wants to go - tell him you will miss him. I think there is an issue here that is much bigger than moving. 

[Effie54]

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@RetRN wrote:

I'm not sure why you have stayed in the marriage. Sounds horrible to me, it sounds like you are miserable everyday. I would have changed that a long time ago. You deserve to be happy and need to stand up for yourself. 

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It does sound like he calls the shots here. Marriage dynamics are so complex. Personally, I would have enough gumption to speak my mind and not let anyone rule my life. I feel for you. 

[Sweetbay magnolia]

Perhaps a consultation with a realtor would be helpful, to get a better sense of the market for your house.

I live in a somewhat similar type area; my house is modest compared to what is planned nearby, but the type of neighborhood I'm in is hard to find anymore (small, no HOA, modest homes on generous lots).  We do keep it "tuned up" but it's far from fancy.  I adore living here, and I could care less about new stuff but things are in repair, for the most part.

If I were you I'd take a hard look at the finances and make a decision  weighted heavily that way.