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Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,405
Registered: ‎03-29-2020

would you be suspicious

[ Edited ]

Recently dh and I received an invitation to the Bat Mitvah of his niece's  daughter.

We were pretty surprised because we haven't heard from them in at least 10 years. I wouldn't say that we're exactly estranged but it's more that they've gone their way and we've gone ours. I suspect that it has a lot to do with my refusal to convert (dh is Jewish) despite many "discussions" and not-so-subtle hints by my sister-in-law.

BTW, dh is fine with my not converting.

Anyway, we've tried, from time to time, to get in touch with them and kind of restore family ties, but they haven't responded and after a while I gave up. I can only slam my head against a brick wall so long until I realize I'm wasting my time.

So all of a sudden we received an invitation to the Bat Miztvah the other day. I was stupedfied with surprise and so was my husband. 

I am, by nature, a somewhat suspicious/skeptical person (life has made me that way), and I'm looking at this situation with a jaundiced eye. My instincts say "gift grab". 

What to do? We talked it over and decided we'll send a card and no gift. I don't know what else to do without being needlessly rude. It's not the kid's fault her grandparents have treated us like we don't exist but also, we don't know this kid from a hole in the wall, and I don't know if she even knows that we exist.

Families sure can be complicated.

ETA: We considered gifting her with a fountain pen and a lot of Jewish people will get the joke. We decided that would be mean and not to do it.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 874
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Don't overthink it!  This happens all the time during graduation season to me.  Grandchildren of people I know (not close friends) who don't even live in the area sned "announcments."  I drop a card in the mail and wish them well.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,295
Registered: ‎03-27-2010

Re: would you be suspicious

[ Edited ]

You followed your instinct and your husband agreed.  I would not put any more energy into your decision.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 16,578
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

No it's not a gift grab

my poliicy is to default to invite,

because the other way is more likely to incite hard feelings

 

all you need do is to decline and sent a card, you could include $18 for chai and be a mensch 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,892
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

After this last year many people have evaluated family relationships.  Could very well be an olive branch.

Someday, when scientists discover the center of the Universe....some people will be disappointed it is not them.
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,405
Registered: ‎03-29-2020

@jackthebear wrote:

No it's not a gift grab

my poliicy is to default to invite,

because the other way is more likely to incite hard feelings

 

 

here's a thought: we haven't heard from them in 10+ years. if they don't invite us, how could it incite hard feelings? it's like not being invited to a party you didn't know was happening


 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,776
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Sometimes for occasions invites. are sent out to everyone. I think what you are doing is the right thing.

When I lose the TV controller, it's always in some remote destination.
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,405
Registered: ‎03-29-2020

@CrazyDaisy wrote:

After this last year many people have evaluated family relationships.  Could very well be an olive branch.


 

That's a nice thought and I hope it's true but in this case, I'm not optimistic.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,245
Registered: ‎03-15-2010

Yup, your instincts are correct, it's a gift grab. 

 

Personally, I would go to the event out of curiosity and see if the niece has had a change of heart.  Miracles do happen and the pandemic may have opened your niece's eyes to the fragility of life.  Or not, lol.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,258
Registered: ‎06-08-2011

Because you don't know these people, you don't know if they're greedy and the invitation is a gift grab.  I've seen that often, but it's not everyone. In fact, I've met young people who take a portion of their monetary gifts and donate them to charity.  Do whatever you and your husband are comfortable with and then let it go. Some people have to send a gift, but that's your call.  Maybe you need to ask yourselves if you'll ever have contact with these people after this event.  If the answer is no, then ignore the invitation or just send a card.