Community Chat

[Jordan2]

So I was watching This Is Us and Law & Order True Crime last night. Jack knew his father was dying and didn't cut his camping trip short, and Leslie Abramson's mother was dying, she didn't go to see her (due to the case), her mother died before she got the chance to be with her.It got me thinking, how much do we owe our parents, biological or adoptive? Now I know many people have had parents whose parental skills were lacking, maybe abusive, real or maybe perceived by the child. I don't think I could ignore a dying parent, for my own piece of mind, I would try to reconcile with them.

[threecees]

@Jordan2I would too try to reconcile or as little as visit to let them know I still care even if we didn't always get along, as I would not be able to live with that on my conscience. I posted on the This is Us forum about the show on Tues. night how really nobody cared about Jack's dad.

I can understand this but I personally would not ignore a family member at their time of need. It's just not me.

[SeaMaiden]

I didn't. 

[grandma petes]

When my mother passed away, I was blessed to hold her when she took her last breath, as she held me when I took my first breath. My mother was amazing and I miss her everyday.

My mother divorced my father when I was 18 months old. He was an abusive alcoholic. She never remarried. I went to visit him when I was 13....nothing much had changed with him, so I never saw him again. He was like a stranger to me. I know he passed away in the 1980’s, but I never felt I owed him anything. I did miss having a dad growing up, but my mom made my life great, so I really didn’t miss out.

[NickNack]

I record This Is Us but having watched it yet.  Jack's father was terrible to him so I can understand his feelings somewhat.  I would think Lesley Abramson would have tried to get some kind of leave or something to see her mother.  Maybe that's not possible.

I was with my mother when she died in 2000.  She was in hospice, and my sister and I spent the night in her room.  We both woke up when she took her last breath.  I am so glad I was there.  She was way too young at 69 years old.  My father is 89, and I hope I'll be with him when he dies.  I know that's unlikely.  He does live in the same town tough.

[NicksmomESQ]

   That’s a complicated question.It depends on the kind of parents they are & how you feel about them.

    In my case I had wonderful parents.They passed away years ago.My Dad went first.I did everything I could to help mom care for Dad.When mom got sick I cared for her until she passed away.I miss my parents every single day!! They taught me the meaning of unconditional love ❤️!!

    There was nothing DH & I wouldn’t have done for my parents or my MIL.

      I understand though that there are people who did not have good relationships with their parents. As a result they chose to step back & not offer any love or assistance.

     I also know of people who felt an obligation to their parents because of DNA not love.

     Everyone deals with the situation differently. I can’t make any judgements.Everyone has to do what they feel comfortable with.At the end of the day you have to live with yourself & the decisions you make!!

[SahmIam]

Nothing.

[Moonchilde]

My father? Zip. He was a physically abusive alcoholic who left my life at age 9-10.

My stepfather? Zip. He was an emotionally abusive sexual abuse-attempter who died of Alzheimers (thank you karma).

My mother? Not the best mother, not the worst. I would have been with her if I could (and had always anticipated I would be) but her death was very sudden/instantaneous (the way we wish all our loved ones and ourselves would go) and I was 350 miles away.

Using the word “owe” indicates to me an obligation or duty, not a willing participation out of love. And how/why one might feel they were obligated to attend a parent’s death/funeral depends on how the parent treated the child.  

There are children who were not abused who just never “got”, or “got with” a parent and vice versa, and that’s sad and no ‘fault’ with the parent or the chld. I do not feel that children of cruel, abusive parents “owe” the parent anything. If they decide to reconcile on a deathbed that’s great, but I don’t think they should be made to feel bad if they don’t. No one knows what another may have suffered at the hand of a parent and no one else has a right to judge.

[Dusty1]

I wish someone here had a real answer.

My parents were "custodial" parents. Not bad. They made sure that we had a house & food & clothing, but not loving, caring, "I love you" parents. No kissing. No hugging. No emotional support.

They divorced & Dad moved several hours away. Mainly so he would not have to be involved in any sort of family bother. He would drive home to see friends of his & stop at a small grocery that he liked that is 5 miles from my house. He wouldn't stop to see me or my children. 

As he got older he started the game "I wish you would come to visit more" BS.

I talked to him on the phone from time to time & we were friendly. He died in February & luckily I had made the trip a couple of weeks before that & we had a nice visit.

I'm ok with that.

My Mom is in a Memory Care facility. It is tearing me apart. The guilt. The anger. The helplessness/hopelessness. 

Mom lived near me & we talked daily & spent a lot of time together. But, it was always more of my effort than hers. I always felt it was the right thing to do being the good daughter & people pleaser that I was/am. 

My sister made very little effort towards any of the family. My brothers were always the favored children. It was no secret to them, us, or anyone else. They could do no wrong. The list I could make of things that my older brother has done would make your hair stand on end, but Mom always stood up for him & was always there for him.

My younger brother was partners in business with Mom's husband & made a lot of money. Mom always did all of the book work, secretarial work & they did well for themselves.

Neither brother has seen her for years. Her husband died 3 years, ago. No visits. No calls. No cards.

Mom lives 7 miles from my sister & she does visit & help care for Mom. But, she & her boyfriend travel quite a bit & she works part time.

So it is mostly me. It's a 50 minute drive to see Mom. So 2 hrs for there & back+the time I spend with Mom, takes the best part of any day & leaves me raggedy.

It's pretty brutal & as much as my husband & kids are there for me/us, it's still so much for me. It's just brutal. 

I can't do less. I feel I should do more.....

[suzyQ3]

This is a very personal and potentially painful question. I'll just say that I am glad that I did the best I could for my dying mother. But reconciliation? Remorse? A final explanation?

No such luck. That's for the movies.